Ministry of the Heart

Ezer Kenego-or

2009-04-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

Eve is given to Adam as his ezer kenegdo—or as many translations have it, his “help meet” or “helper.” Doesn’t sound like much, does it? It makes me think of Hamburger Helper. But Robert Alter says this is “a notoriously difficult word to translate.” It means something far more powerful than just “helper”; it means “lifesaver.” The phrase is only used elsewhere of God, when you need him to come through for you desperately. “There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help you” (Deut. 33:26). Eve is a life giver; she is Adam’s ally. It is to both of them that the charter for adventure is given. It will take both of them to sustain life. And they will both need to fight together.

Eve is deceived . . . and rather easily, as my friend Jan Meyers points out. In The Allure of Hope, Jan says, “Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her.” Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God’s heart is good. “When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness.” Now every daughter of Eve wants to “control her surroundings, her relationships, her God.” No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty, she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. “In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate both ourselves and our role in the story. We manipulate our surroundings so we don’t feel so defenseless.” Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.

New Site

2009-03-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

I created a new site to center around the book I want to write. It'll be tuned more toward the theme of Finding our dreams. I wanted to create a blog/site that was more professional looking so that I can eventually sell my ebook! =) Do look out for it! Haha.

You can find it at Dreams of Your Heart. Do visit it; I'll update it more often than this blog, and with more quality content la. Sorry for making navigation so difficult. Ha.

I think I'll take about 6 months for ebook to be finally out. You can never rush a writer. Heh.

Personality Test

2009-03-11T20:07:00.001-07:00

Do test at http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Book Outline

2009-03-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

Here's a more detailed outline of what i wanna write. Do give comments! =

Objectives of Each Chapter (What do I want to tell people?)

1. Your Dreams
a. Help people understand that God made everyone with a destiny for their lives
b. Our dreams are our God-given call; it’s not a feel good thing, but a question of obedience that we follow
c. That dreams are the only journey you will really take; the rest are just detours

2. The God who believes in you
a. God wants to be involved in you achieving your dreams
b. He wants the best for your life; he wants you to have abundant life
c. He knows what you are capable of; He sees your potential
d. That whatever you truly desire, God wants to give it to you

3. The Holy Spirit who guides you
a. The Holy Spirit is our partner in life
b. He is the one that can give us our true dreams
c. We need to fellowship and listen to the Holy Spirit for our call

4. The Culture of this World
a. That there is a lot of noise in this world
b. These is intense pressure to conform
c. The culture of any place is the strongest hindrance to our call

5. Entering into True Desire
a. Desire is the Christian way of living
b. The danger of Pharsical Christianity
c. Addictions are caused by our hearts not recognizing true desire
d. It’s only when we are close to God will we understand what we truly want

6. Your Time of Solitude
a. You need to be alone with God to discover your call
b. Your time of solitude helps you find clarity in your vision
c. You need to take solitude breaks once in a while

7. The Fellowships of the heart
a. You need intimate allies to go with you on this journey
b. You need friends to know you deep and friends who can fight for you
c. You cannot achieve your dreams alone

8. Keeping Heart till the End
a. We need to preserve till the very end
b. We will meet obstacles, distractions along the way
c. We must discipline ourselves to ‘set our face like a flint’

9. At the Very End
a. When we stand before God, our rewards will be based on what we did in accordance to God’s call
b. We must be fruitful for the right things, because at the end, 80% of the things we do may be counted for nothing.

I wanna write a book.

2009-03-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to start writing a Christian book about following your heart and seeking God for our call in life.

I've come up with some chapters which I can start with; I noticed I write alot about similar topics, so I might as well go write a book about it.

I seem to be called to writing somehow; considering the no. of things I do that concern writing.

1. Blog
2. Uni-Y Newsletters
3. website http://www.leadership-with-you.com

and I think alot.

Did I mention one of my goals was to write a Christian book by 30? Maybe I'll do by this year! =)

But book projects; at least good ones take really long. But I shall stop trying to be perfect and start anyway.

I wrote out a possible chapters for the books:
1. Your dreams
2. The God who believes in you
3. The Holy Spirit that guides you
4. The culture of this world
5. Entering into true desire
6. Your time of solitude
7. The fellowships of the heart
8. Keeping heart till the end
9. At the very end (when we stand before God)

9 chapters. =) Let's go!

Life as it was meant to be.

2009-03-04T17:41:00.001-08:00

And we're so far from it.

I hate it when I miss my prayer time in the morning/night.

Every so often in SMU, I walk up to a person and want to talk to the person; but pretty often its:" Sorry, I've gotta go do something" or "I've got some work to do."

We miss that vital connection that all of us long for. The only thing we can say about our lives is "busy."

We're busy.

We're so far from what life was meant to be. A life defined by rich, deep, meaningful relationships.

But one day, we will know each other as it had always meant to be. Our yearning to be known will be met.

The biggest battle of all.

2009-03-01T06:15:00.000-08:00

The most monumental battle looms in the distance.

Above all the battles men have fought; crossing the North Altantic, scaling Mount Everest, charging the beaches of Normandy, there's one above all of them.

I must die. Death isn't an option.

The more I hold on to the fear, the more I will fail.

There is a time in every man's life that this battle comes along; we can choose to preserve ourselves, or have our lives spilled out in spectacular sacrifice.

Many choose the easy way, by not fighting this battle, to preserve themselves, that they never have to face the deepest question of their heart : Do I have what it takes?

Yet, I don't want the easy way. God help me. I want to die to myself.

I want to die that I may live.

God help me to fight this one; above all the battles I fought, this is the biggest one ever. And it might stay the biggest one ever.

What do you do if something you wanted so badly was taken from you?

2009-02-19T19:43:00.000-08:00

Sad loh.

I had replied the people in charge of the Switzerland Exchange about confirmation, but only yesterday after the person in charge replied me that I realized that I had confirmed with the wrong person.

Now she just took me away from the placement and replaced it with somebody else.

I had wanted to go really badly.

Really badly.

Now what?

I had really looked forward to it; but I guess I'll have to trust God on this. In a way, it was really my muddled headed-ness, but I'm sure that God has something in store me that season that He doesn't want me to leave Singapore.

There's always a reason. And I'll hold on to that in anticipation. God must be preparing something better in store than the Switzerland trip. Wow. I wonder what can be better. Haha.

Well, I'll just have to wait and see.

=)

God is good.

Wow. God is good!

2009-02-15T17:16:00.000-08:00

When I started my Technology Entrepreneurship course, I had a desire to one day be mentored under my prof. She's Pamela Lim, a...

Top 10 Singapore Woman Entrepreneur 1999
Singapore’s Most Promising Woman Entrepreneur of the Year 2000
Singapore’s Netrepreneur of the Year 2001
Technical Achievement Award 2000

and guess what, God just opened a door for me!!

I had found out that she was using the same website program as me, Sitesell.com for my website www.leadership-with-you.com. But when I told her, she told me she OWNED the franchise to teach SiteSell in Singapore!!

And she asked me if I was getting a job post grad, and if I was interested to teach Sitesell! (Btw it's a superb web program and worth investing in and to teach even!)

Would I??!?!?!

WOW! To integrate a job and my website business, and work with a multi-millionaire and learn from her!??!?

OF COURSE!! Haha

This is almost like God opening a giant door in my face and saying "THIS WAY!"

Haha. Okay la, I still must pray over it. But I have a feeling it's a big GOGOGO!

Although I'm in class now, I feel like jumping all over the place! Haha.

Distractions of the World

2009-02-14T02:55:00.000-08:00

The distractions of the world are what really stops us from entering into the presence of God.

I was really the last chapter of the book Desire I realized that it's what we're really going through in our lives. Like the Israelites, even though God has done so many great things in our lives, it takes us about a few days to totally forget about it. We're distracted.

TV; Newspapers, other things that come along, make us forget.

So John Eldredge suggests that we journal. I find that superb.

When I think about it, if we cut all the distracting nonsense in our lives, TV, newspapers, all the projects we didn't really have to embark on. We have more than enough time for self-reflection, using the PEN to write(instead of blogging).

God spoke to me recently, Yihan, what you really want in your life? If there was one thing in your life you wanted to become, what would it be? Write it down. So that he may run with it; says the Bible.

JOURNAL TIME!

It's the distractions of this world that cause us to desensitize ourselves from the Holy Spirit.

Everything from the TV, our friends, the newspaper, the internet constantly bombards us with messages that affect the way we think and act. So we think we want this and that. But I ask: Really?

Do you really want to learn how to trade stocks? Really? Which part of that appeals to your soul?

Is your greatest passion to 'work in a bank'?

When Chew Yan preached yesterday that men who kiss their wives everyday had some benefits here and there, they are happier, they tend not to have affairs,but it was at the 'men who do that earn 20% more salary than men who dont' that everyone raised their eyebrows and some went 'woooo'.

My first instinct was to scream out, Who is your God?!?

That's why I loved it when Meiqi starting sharing that our giving is not ultimately a trust that God will return the money, but it is an outpouring of a heart that wants to give thanks to God of all His goodness. It's a subtle difference; and it is also truth that God will return it in multiples.

But that's where the heart comes in; are you giving because Money stands above God in your priority? Or are you giving because God stands above it?

The reason why money is such a damnable thing is because it is the closest thing to God in terms of provision. Money can buy alot of things. ALOT.

Really if we ask enough whys about our desires, sometimes we'll find that money is at the end of it. "Because I'll make alot of money."

But of course, no one says that because it's not the correct answer anymore. The correct answer is Because I love it and I find it challenging.

LOL.

Do you REALLY want to work in a bank? Is your soul worth $6,000/mth?
Do you REALLY want to learn to trade options? Is staring at a computer screen watching numbers go up and down your ULTIMATE goal in life? Now I'm not saying that it couldn't be. It could be.

But to have 10% of the school have the same passion? Trading? Banks? Sounds more like cultural influence to me.

And I do not say it because I've got it all figured out too. I find myself struggling in this area too which is the reason I often bring it up.

And it's sad; because I do preach to people to listen to their hearts but today I realized one thing; most people have stopped listening to God in their hearts; they've been so bombarded by all the noise that's out there in the world that they don't even recognize the voice of God anymore.

You can be a Christian and proclaimed to be led by the Holy Spirit, say that you've prayed about it. But are you sure that's God's voice?

The saints of old have learnt to isolate themselves from the world. Jesus went into the desert for 40 days, John the Baptist went into the desert too,... it's there where the noise of the world quietens where the still small voice of God will be heard.

And I'm going Switzerland for 30 days! I have friends that are there already, but deep down inside, I go Switzerland to take myself away from the world, and into a plac where I can find God; so seriously I rather not have any friends there. It would have been easier than having to reject their invitations now.

God, I will find You. No matter how loud the world is. I will learn to quieten my heart and listen.

Why you should read John Eldredge

2009-02-08T01:45:00.000-08:00

John Eldredge was an author that revolutionized my life in 2008; and is continually doing so. I have a library of over 100 books, with about 60 Christian books and I consider him the best author, not in terms of expounding the truth, but in terms of the fruit his books produces. It's amazing.

Here are some things I learnt from reading his books. Through his books, I:

1. Learnt how to pray with true fervency. There's a difference between the religious prayer that we usually just let out of our mouth and prayer with true desire. John teaches how the true prayer arises from our heart's desires and how we can truly pray like how the saints of old prayed. And not the cut flower prayers we usually pray.

2. Understood the root of all religious behavior. What John Eldredge calls the practical agnosticism. With our mouths we proclaim Jesus as Lord, but with our lives and our hearts, we live like He isn't there. Learnt that most preaching specifically aimed at behavior dones nothing. To believe that by behaving a certain way makes God more pleased with us is in fact, the beginning of religion. It's our hearts that matter ( yes, heart can produce behavior, but by aiming at behavior we miss the point)

3. Understood the root of all sin. Sin begins when man seeks to fulfil his desires apart from God's plan. Desire is not wrong, but it is the object that we use to fulfil our desires that determines if it is sin or not.

4. Learnt the first sin that was committed by Adam and Eve is still being committed today. Doubting God's heart. Devil tempted Jesus in wilderness. The man who knew God to be a hard man -> sent to the place of weeping and gnashing of teeth.

5. Came into deeper understanding of the way I had related to girls I liked and how it was a question of my identity. And that our identity, or our lack of it is often a source of many problems because we seek to find that identity through earthly things. For guys with absentee fatherhood, mostly women.

6. found a deeper identity in God, and hence became MUCH more secure in who I was. Learnt in my heart never needing to justify my actions to anyone else as a way to show that i'm 'right'.

7. Understood the importance of the role of fatherhood and motherhood in our lives. And how the way they related to you and treated you could shape you for life, and for the negative things like putting you down and stuff, only way out is Jesus. No one else can give me that healing.

8. see the need to grieve for past wounds. Whatever hurts and wounds that were inflicted in our youth needs to be brought out before healing can take place. It means revisiting the incidents that happened that caused these wounds.

9. have finally understood the ache when i saw breathtaking scenery, mountains, trees and lakes. From my youth, I had always experienced this ache, this sweet pain when I saw beautiful sights; never understood why. I finally understand why, we came from Paradise, and we're homesick. These things are mere reminders of the glory to come.

10. developed a heart for poetry. By learning to fully embrace the beauty that was set in nature, i was somehow able to start writing a little poetry; I'm not a master, but I think I do okay at it. Anything's better than nothing. Haha.

11. developed a flair for writing. John Eldredge's got a lovely writing style. He understands that the heart learns through stories and visuals; not through your principle 1,2,3. Those are great, but to produce an true effect in our lives, we have to learn through stories. And through reading his books many times, I kind of developed that flair.

12. become more sensitive to the Holy Spirit as a result. When we appreciate beauty, poetry, stories, life in its fullness, we become sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I have become a person that can tear and get touched very easily. I can watch a movie with a simple point like love, hope, strength.. things like that, and tear.

I watched Forrest Gump and teared like crazy. Haha. It's such a beautiful movie.

It's not about being a crybaby. It's about become in touch with your heart, and with God as a result.

13. finally understood how the saints of old can cry out to God like that and know him as Lover. Go read Madame A Guyon, A W Tozer, Thomas A Kempis, George Macdonald, St John of the Cross to know what I'm talking about. John Wesley too.

14. developed a much more richer, deeper, meaningful, fulfilling relationship with God. I was telling a friend, the point of the Bible is for us to find our way back to God. He was concerned about the 100% accuracy of every thing we were reading, the Greek and the Hebrew; sure, that's important, but the Bible is meant for God to lead us to back to Him. He is the point. The relationship is the point. The Bible is the 6000 year old romance story about how God wants to win our heart back.

SOOOOO.. the point is the heart. NOT the story. (Some people never get it.)

----

Okay, there's more but I'm kinda tired writing all that. Haha enough reason for you to read it.

His books are:

1. Wild at Heart (Read to understand MEN!)
2. Captivating (Read to understand WOMEN!)
3. Desire ( MY FAV!)
4. Scared Romance (First of the many)
5. Waking the Dead
6. The Way of the Wild Heart ( Sequel to Wild at Heart)
7. Walking With God
8. Epic

But seriously, just read all of them. Change your life.

Seriously. Transforms your LIFE!!

What's your Life Strategy?

2009-02-04T07:38:00.000-08:00

Interesting question Xinhong told us by Sophia Shing. Amidst all the talk on time management, I think this is what hit me.

What strategy do we have in our lives to achieve the goals in our hearts? How will we play the game in the light of not just the end of our lives, but the life that is to come.

Cos, yes seriously unless we really know what we want in our lives, we can't formulate any strategy or think about how we're going to get through it.

Life, events, happenings don't have meaning unless we understand where is the end. Unless we understand God's general will for all people, and specific will for our lives, everything is really just meaningless around us.

What strategy?

Hmmm, its a little late to think now; maybe tmr! Haha.

Why haven't I blogged for so long?

2009-02-03T05:50:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I really don't know.

It's kinda of a seasonal thing. It happens to alot of people; I see alot of my friend's blogs rise and fall in inverse proportion to the time in their hands.

We might really think it's alright, but sometimes blogging is a sign that we are indeed reflecting on our lives constantly. If we've been blogging for a while, and suddenly stop, is it because we want privacy, or have we really lost that time where we did use to reflect?

I was reading Rachel Ma's (www.clamchowderbistro.blogspot.com) blog and I really love her style of writing. I really learnt alot about her during our long trips on the bus in Beijing; just talking about everything under the sun, well, and mostly above. (God. Haha) She's got a really poetic heart and is something I would love to get too.

Poets are spiritual people. To see beauty in life and to put it out in words; that's wonderful. Honestly I don't see much poetic people around. People who can write beautifully; well of course language plays a part; I kinda suck at English (C5) so my poems can't match Rachel's for nuts. But of course, I make an attempt anyway. Haha.

Anyway I digress.

I realized that the reason for not blogging is really a kinda of a dis-orientation. Ever since I got back from Beijing; I just didn't feel like blogging. I do write for my weekly newsletter in Uni-Y: weekly reflections of sorts, but not really the personal kind.

And indeed, it's not that I haven't pondered for a long time; I have. I take walks about 3-4 times at night; just a round around my estate just to enjoy the night breeze and talk to God.

Rachel made a post about a comment I made to her in Beijing, which I thought great to talk more on; How we view God will determine the way we approach Him. Yes indeed, it's beyond prayer, and it's beyond the head knowledge.

Yeah, we all know God is our provider, our shelter, refuge, holy, righteous, loving and all that. But has it gotten into our hearts? When we're in trouble, is our first reaction running to God? Or is our first instinct to another source, alcohol, TV, computer games, someone else?

If it's not God, no, don't blame yourself for taking the wrong action. It's the right thing to do, yes, but you must ask yourself this," How do I see God in my life?"

How we view God will determine the way we approach Him.

Sometimes we don't approach Him because we don't really believe in our hearts that He cares. Now that's important for us to spot. This is called practical agnosticism. We claim to know the loving God, but our hearts think otherwise.

Sometimes it's because we've been hurt from young by apathetic parents; especially in Asian countries. We grew up having our hearts neglected; Results! As and Bs are more important. Face is more important. It's more important that you do well than your overachieving cousin than what you like. What you like don't matter.

These are the kinds of messages we get from young that hinder our approach to God. We subconsciously believe God is like our earthly Father, and that's why we only apporach Him for the 'important' things.

No friends, your heart is the most important thing. Your heart is important to Him.

It's not a matter of right and wrong, but more a question of how we really see God. That's why we need to be true to our hearts. We really need to know this. If we only know how to do the 'right' thing, then we will never see that about ourselves.

Ask God to reveal Himself as Loving Father to you. Ask Him to show you He cares.

You don't become more spiritual by becoming more religiously correct. Or by knowing the Greek and the Hebrew of every word in the Bible. We become more spiritual and when become more in tune with our hearts; we're able to discern the voice of God much better than otherwise.

God loves you. And me. And you betta believe it! He cares. (I'm beginning to question myself, do I really think He cares.)

The closest place to Heaven

2009-01-28T18:10:00.000-08:00

"It was so beautiful, you didn't know where earth ended and heaven began." - Forrest Gump

I might be going to Switzerland for Summer Exchange! Woohoo! I was looking through some of the pictures of Switzerland as the Information Session was going on.

I was telling people," I might probably fall in love with the place that I don't ever want to come home anymore."

Phil 1:21-24
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.

Why do you think people love to travel, love beautiful places like Switzerland. It's the closest thing to Heaven on earth.

I don't think I want to go. I might fall in love with the place. Yet there's still a battle to fight here. I can't leave. God will find me and get me back.

Paradise

2009-01-21T19:33:00.000-08:00

From a really young age, I've been dreaming of heaven, even before I was a Christian. And from time to time the ache comes back. The homesick ache.

Ecc 3:11
He has set eternity in our hearts

I'm heading to Switzerland this summer, I hope. Close to heaven. Close, but never there. It will always evade us until we find the true Source.

I typed Paradise on my Google and went on Wiki to check it out.

Wiki:
Paradise is an idealized place in which existence is positive, harmonious and timeless. It is conceptually a counter-image of the miseries of human civilization, and in paradise there is only peace, prosperity, and happiness. Paradise is a place of contentment, but it is not necessarily a land of luxury and idleness.

Paradisaical notions are cross-cultural, often laden with pastoral imagery, and may be cosmogonical or eschatological or both.

In eschatological contexts, paradise is imagined as an abode of the virtuous dead.

In Christian and Islamic understanding heaven is a paradisaical relief, evident for example in the Gospel of Luke when Jesus tells a penitent criminal crucified alongside him that they will be together in paradise that day.

In Native American beliefs, the other-world ia an eternal hunting ground.

In old Egyptian beliefs, the other-world is Aaru, the reed-fields of ideal hunting and fishing grounds where the dead lived after judgment. For the Celts, it was the Fortunate Isle of Mag Mell.

For the classical Greeks, the Elysian fields was a paradisaical land of plenty where the heroic and righteous dead hoped to spend eternity.

The Vedic Indians held that the physical body was destroyed by fire but recreated and reunited in the Third Heaven in a state of bliss.

In the Zoroastrian Avesta, the "Best Existence" and the "House of Song" are places of the righteous dead. On the other hand, in cosmological contexts 'paradise' describes the world before it was tainted by evil.

So for example, the Abrahamic faiths associate paradise with the Garden of Eden, that is, the perfect state of the world prior to the fall from grace.

The concept is a topos' in art and literature, particularly of the pre-Enlightenment era, a well-known representative of which is John Milton's Paradise Lost.

He has truly set eternity in our hearts.

No culture, no man can run from that longing.

The Greatest Dignity of All

2009-01-16T17:38:00.001-08:00

He enables us to love. He gives us the greatest treasure in all creation: a heart. For he intends that we should be his intimate allies, to borrow Dan Allender’s phrase, who join in the Sacred Circle of intimacy that is the core of the universe, to share in this great Romance.

Just as we have lost our wonder at the world around us, we have forgotten what a treasure the human heart is. All of the happiness we have ever known and all of the happiness we hope to find is unreachable without a heart. You could not live or love or laugh or cry had God not given you a heart.

And with that heart comes something that just staggers me.

God gives us the freedom to reject him.

He gives to each of us a will of our own.

Good grief, why? He knows what free-willed creatures can do. He has already suffered one massive betrayal in the rebellion of the angels. He knows how we will use our freedom, what misery and suffering, what hell will be unleashed on earth because of our choices. Why? Is he out of his mind?

The answer is as simple and staggering as this: if you want a world where love is real, you must allow each person the freedom to choose.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-03T05:01:00.000-08:00

Hmm.

Happy New Year! =)

Man, I cannot find the motivation to write cos like I write once a week already for my Uni-Y Newsletter. Haha.

Anyways school's starting soon, but I'm really looking forward to a glorious 2009 ahead! =)

Christmas!

2008-12-25T03:35:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the year again.

Once again, been a while since I blogged, but I've really been busy since my Beijing trip. After my Beijing Trip I had to prepare for my presentation on the 20 Dec; it's a great module but it took away 20 days of my winter break.

But I guess the trip made it worthwhile.

Anyways. I think I really love my cell group. Though my new cell group didn't really open up to me immediately when I joined them, but I can see the cell group is really very close knit. They meet up like 3 or 4 times a week, either for svc, cg, movies, exercise and what not.

Amazing.

On that note, my cell group people are really very physically active; they go soccer, running, cycling, and everything. Haha. It's great cos it helps me start exercising more! Woohoo.

And we're all going for the sundown Marathon in May next year so we're really going to train hard for it. I couldn't say no cos my female cell members are going! Haha.

We just had an Xmas countdown the night before, causing me to be late for service today. Haha. Thank God for the car. Took me 45 mins from getting awake to sitting in the service, while fetching a friend from Eunos.

And speaking of which, I've been driving alot nowadays. Just passed about 1 month back, but I've driven so much, almost everyday that I think I'm getting alot of good practice, tho breaking lots of traffic rules on the way. So yeah.

Now I'm available for suppers! Woohoo! Anywhere!

And yeap, it's almost time for a new beginning in 2009. 2008 has been quite a year for me. I think most important, a year of finding myself. My identity in God as His child. Knowing more and more that He loves me; and living in that security.

Looking at the start, it began in the year with a simple talk with a friend about r'ships. That time both of us being confused and a little uncertain. Things have really changed. =)

2009 will be even better =)

I love this song!

2008-12-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

It's v touching. Love it

Renounce the Agreements You've Made

2008-12-08T09:15:00.001-08:00

Your wounds brought messages with them. Lots of messages. Somehow they all usually land in the same place. They had a similar theme. “You’re worthless.” “You’re not a woman.” “You’re too much…and not enough.” “You’re a disappointment.” “You are repulsive.” On and on they go. Because they were delivered with such pain, they felt true. They pierced our hearts, and they seemed so true. So we accepted the message as fact. We embraced it as the verdict on us.

The vows we made as children act like a deep-seated agreement with the message of our wounds. They act like an agreement with the verdict on us. “Fine. If that’s how it is, then that’s how it is. I’ll live my life in the following way….” The vows we made acted like a kind of covenant with them. Those childhood vows are very dangerous things. We must renounce them. Before we are entirely convinced that they aren’t true, we reject the message of our wounds. It’s a way of unlocking the door to Jesus. Agreements lock the door from the inside. Renouncing the agreements unlocks the door to him.

(Captivating , 100-101)

Fatherless

2008-12-05T04:30:00.001-08:00

You are the son of a kind, strong, and engaged Father, a Father wise enough to guide you in the Way, generous enough to provide for your journey, offering to walk with you every step.

This is perhaps the hardest thing for us to believe—really believe, down deep in our hearts, so that it changes us forever, changes the way we approach each day.

I believe this is the core issue of our shared dilemma. We just don’t believe it. Our core assumptions about the world boil down to this: We are on our own to make life work. We are not watched over. We are not cared for. When we are hit with a problem, we have to figure it out ourselves, or just take the hit. If anything good is going to come our way, we’re the ones who are going to have to arrange for it. Many of us have called upon God as Father, but, frankly, he doesn’t seem to have heard. We’re not sure why. Maybe we didn’t do it right. Maybe he’s about more important matters. Whatever the reason, our experience of this world has framed our approach to life. We believe we are fatherless.

Whatever life has taught us, and though we may not have put it into these exact words, we feel that we are alone. Simply look at the way men live. If I were to give an honest assessment of my life for the past thirty years, I’d have to confess the bulk of it as Striving and Indulging. Pushing myself hard to excel, taking on the battles that come to me with determination but also with a fear-based drivenness, believing deep down inside that there is no one I can trust to come through for me. Striving. And then, arranging for little pleasures along the way to help ease the pain of the drivenness and loneliness. Dinners out, adventure gear. Indulging. A fatherless way to live.

(The Way of The Wild Heart , 22-24)

Return to Paradise

2008-11-30T05:20:00.000-08:00

"Paradise."

My heart spoke as I observed the trees of the winter as the plane touched down in Beijing.

Not a very 'paradise' place, no doubt, but yet there's just this feeling 'you might find it here.' when you travel to a totally new locations alien to your home.

We spend our lives searching for Paradise. That's why some people travel so much; and never want to come back to work. Not that they found paradise, but they found something looking like it.

It's the tinge of the immense beauty of True Paradise.

Good news is that, there is a Paradise. I think one thing CS Lewis pointed out really well was that, our heart often gives us an answer.

If a man was hungry for food i.e. he desired for food, we can automatically conclude that food actually exists. That man was in a state where he wasn't hungry before.

Like in the movie Water World, the whole earth was covered by waters; but there was a man who kept searching and searching for land. He knew that the feet was never made for swimming, and therefore concluded that land did exist. And he spent his life searching for that precious piece of land. (turns out the whole earth was flooded and a large part of earth was covered by water)

Where is the evidence of Paradise? In our heart of hearts.

I was watching the Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor this afternoon. Characters good and bad both searching for eternal life at Shangri-La.

It seems to permeate all cultures and religions; there's always a notion of a Shangri-La, of heaven.

The truth is: we're homesick. Since Adam and Eve were banished from their Paradise in Eden, our hearts have been aching to go back since.

When we observe a beautiful sunset, majestic mountains, beautiful trees of the forest, our hearts ache. It aches because deep down in our hearts, we know we had left our true Home a long long time ago, and all that glimpses of eternity is reminding us of that.

You know its there, not because someone proved it with a scientific formula. It's because your heart tells you so.

Bad news? It doesn't exist on earth, not today. There's no hidden evergreen valley called Shangri-La in the deep mountains of Himalayas. We will only find it when our Father calls us Home.

As A Bridegroom Rejoices Over His Bride

2008-11-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

This week is exam week so really have little time to blog. Here's some good reads! =))

------

The Scriptures employ a wide scale of metaphors to capture the many facets of our relationship with God. If you consider them in a sort of ascending order, there is a noticeable and breathtaking progression. Down near the bottom of the totem pole we are the clay and he the Potter.

Moving up a notch, we are the sheep and he the Shepherd, which is a little better position on the food chain but hardly flattering; sheep don’t have a reputation as the most graceful and intelligent creatures in the world. Moving upward, we are the servants of the Master, which at least lets us into the house, even if we have to wipe our feet, watch our manners, and not talk too much.

Most Christians never get past this point, but the ladder of metaphors is about to make a swift ascent. God also calls us his children and himself our heavenly Father, which brings us into the possibility of real intimacy—love is not one of the things a vase and its cr aftsman share together, nor does a sheep truly know the heart of the shepherd, though it may enjoy the fruits of his kindness.

Still, there is something missing even in the best parent-child relationship. Friendship levels the playing field in a way family never can, at least not until the kids have grown and left the house. Friendship opens a level of communion that a five-year-old doesn’t know with his mother and father. And “friends” are what he calls us.

But there is still a higher and deeper level of intimacy and partnership awaiting us at the top of this metaphorical ascent. We are lovers. The courtship that began with a honeymoon in the Garden culminates in the wedding feast of the Lamb. “I will take delight in you,” he says to us, “as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will I rejoice over you.”

(The Sacred Romance , 96, 97)

I'm on TV!

2008-11-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

Haha not really. This video was shown in the National Volunteerism and Philanthropy Awards; YMCA won the Best Non-Profit Organisation award and they asked me for a short interview and sharing of my experiences. Haha.

Okay only like 20 seconds.

NTU Convocation Address by Adrian Tan

2008-11-12T23:57:00.001-08:00

Life and How to Survive It

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You're done learning.

You've probably been told the big lie that "Learning is a lifelong process" and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong.

The bad news is that you don't need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet their life expectancy.

I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term "Karoshi", which means death from overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are "making a living". No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction ?C probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don't, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truthr. I now say this to you: be hated.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say "be loved". That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work ?C the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You're going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there's no life expectancy.

When I grow up...

2008-11-10T16:39:00.000-08:00

This is a newsletter post I wrote for my Uni-Y members; seeing that I don't have much time to blog long and good posts; here goes:

I was checking out one of my friend's facebook photo albums this week; and the title of that album was "When I grow up". It was a Halloween party theme where everyone was supposed to dress up as somebody that they wanted to be 'when they grow up.'

Well, as with me who thinks alot; I started wondering, like how many of us actually do think about what we want to be 'when we grow up'?

Do we still dream?

I remember that someone once told me that the size of our dreams are inversely proportional to our age. As we get older, our dreams start getting smaller and smaller.

We give up our heart's desires in a race to become 'marketable' people. People that are 'useful' to the economy. So pretty soon in all the hustle and bustle of life, our dreams begin to get relegated into the deep recesses of our hearts.

"Never mind what I love, I just need my A, just need to make enough for me and my future family."

We'd like to give it all up for the sake of security, and maybe for some, career success.

But it's important to know what we want; we love to hear stories of people that overcome all odds to walk the road they want to; be it dancing, singing, writing, sports in a society where everyone just values academic success. But we only love to hear them because deep in our hearts, we wish our lives would be the same amazing story.

And it can be.

It's always a choice that we make. But it's a tough choice. It means giving up the security that comes with walking to conventional roads. It means taking life off the beaten track. Uncertainity, possibility of failure; stuff like that.

But Hellen Keller once said,
"Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing."

and William Wallace from Braveheart said,
" I'm not afraid of death. Every man dies. But it is not every man who lives."

There's only one way to really live; and that's to go after our heart's desires and our dreams with all we've got.
What do you love to do? What can you do for the rest of your life for free?

Like for me, I only recently realized that despite getting C5 for my General Paper in JC, I can actually... write!.

But some part of me wanted to cover that up; I'm thinking, " Nah, it's not marketable, how can I make money from writing. Maybe I have a talent somewhere.. how about marketing? Maybe I'm good at marketing though I suck at accounting."

But now more and more, I'm beginning to appreciate what I have in my hands and I'm really considering how I can use these God-given gifts to their fullest potential. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe I'll do copywriting for companies. I don't know.

Amidst all the busy-ness of school, remember that no one will take care of your dreams; only you will. You are the only one who will know your dreams, and you are the only one who can protect it.

Life isn't kind to those who want to be different; but it's the price of living out your dreams. You have to fight for it. No one else will fight for you.

So you know, don't stop dreaming. Take time to think about your dreams; let your imagination run!

And let me end off this section with this beautiful song I've heard over 8 years ago; but still filled with meaning nonethless: Don't get lost in the crowd by Ashley Ballard at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1F_6pXY6GZ0 and the lyrics at http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ashleyballard/dontgetlostinthecrowd.html
(forget the video, just listen to the audio. Haha I can't find the audio elsewhere)

Yihan

We Are Not What We Were Meant To Be

2008-11-02T06:12:00.000-08:00

John Eldredge is great. Haha. I love his daily readings.

The Evil One lied to us about where true life was found . . . and we believed him.

God gave us the wondrous world as our playground, and he told us to enjoy it fully and freely. Yet despite his extravagant generosity, we had to reach for the one forbidden thing.

And at that moment something in our hearts shifted. We reached, and in our reaching we fell from grace.

So Helen betrayed Menelaus and her native Greece, and ran off to Troy with her lover. So Edmund betrayed his brothers and sisters, and all Narnia, and joined sides with the White Witch. So Cypher betrayed Neo and Morpheus and the last of the free world. So Cora fell into the hands of Magua. So Boromir betrayed the fellowship. So the Titanic struck an iceberg.

Our glory faded, as Milton said, “faded so soon.”

Something has gone wrong with the human race, and we know it. Better said, something has gone wrong within the human race. It doesn’t take a theologian or a psychologist to tell you that. Read a newspaper. Spend a weekend with your relatives. Pay attention to the movements of your own heart in a single day. Most of the misery we suffer on this planet is the fruit of the human heart gone bad. This glorious treasure has been stained, marred, infected. Sin enters the story and spreads like a computer virus.

By the sixth chapter of Genesis, our downward spiral had reached the point where God himself couldn’t bear it any longer.

The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. (Genesis 6:5–6)

Any honest person knows this. We know we are not what we were meant to be.

- John Eldredge,(Epic, 55-57)

What Would You Do?

2008-11-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

So, let me ask again: How would you live differently, if you believed your heart was the treasure of the kingdom?

What does your heart need? In some sense it’s a personal question, unique to our make-up, and what brings us life. For some its music, for others its reading, for others they must garden. Our friend Lori loves the city; I can’t wait to get out of one. Bart reads articles on flying; Cherie loves a good novel. Bethann loves horses and Gary needs time working in the woodshop. You know what makes your heart refreshed, the things that make you come alive. I don’t get the thing with women and baths, but I know that Stasi loves them and finds a little retreat in a fifteen minute tub. “He leads me to soak in still, bubbly waters.” For me and the boys its the dirtier, the happier.

Yet there are some things all hearts need in common. We need beauty; that’s clear enough from the fact that God has filled the world with it, as he has given us sun and rain,

Wine that gladdens the heart of man,
Oil to make his face shine,
And bread that sustains his heart. (Psalm 104:15)

We need to drink in beauty wherever we can get it – in music, in nature, in art, in a great meal shared. These are all gifts to us from God’s generous heart. Friends, those things are not decorations to a life; they are what brings us life.

The skies of blue
The fields of green
Are all for you

The silver moon
The shining sea
All for you

For you, the wind blows
For you, the river flows

And everything you dream about
Even the love you dream of, too,
Is all for you. (John Smith & Lisa Aschman, “All for You”)

I don’t think I could have finished this book if it weren’t for the walks I take each day in the woods. My soul is tired, bone tired. The battle has been long and hard. Last night it began to snow. It is still snowing now. It, too, is a gift to my heart.

-Waking the Dead, John Eldredge

Beauty

2008-10-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

I'm terribly afraid of beauty;

What it does to my heart.

You know I was thinking as I was heading to my BSM class today, why do people expect so much from their life partners.

Anyway to bring it in context; a church with huge no. of singles and with no seeming intention to get attached.

I remember speaking to a leader about the kind of guy she's looking for, about a year ago. The kind of criteria she gave was .. well.. almost unattainable. She pointed to a pastor that was like 30 plus years old, married with kids.

I was thinking: wow, if you want a husband like that, you might as well wait another 10 years or so; you might just find one.

The thing is, while they like to 'peg their standards' to someone that's a role model in church, they can't expect guys their age to act, behave and be as strong spiritually as their pastors. Totally unreasonable ya, but well, that's the kind of pressure guys can face when wanting to date a church leader.

The kind of unspoken," Why can't you be more like this and this leader. Or this and this pastor?" pressure that's on a guy; any guy.

If you ask me, or any guy for that matter, are we looking for someone to pressure us how we should be better? That's our idea of the 'other half?' Is that our 'dream' beauty that our hearts are looking for?

Anyway, I digress.

Beauty.

Scarey thing God placed on earth yeah.

Sometimes I just wished my heart was dead to such things.

Simone Weil once said," There are only two things that pierce the human heart - beauty and affliction."

And God uses them both to get to our hearts.

Sometimes, to shut ourselves out, we kill our hearts, we kill that thing in our hearts that recognizes beauty when it sees it. Some of us call it holiness. But God made our hearts to recognize, be captured by beauty. It's not holiness to simply shut our hearts down.

But how tempting it is to do so. To be come a superb efficiency and productivity machine that doesn't stop going and going. Society views such people in high regard. Just forget your heart, go for productivity. Conform!

Speaking of which, this is how I feel now with all the work coming in. I'm not one to conform. I make alot of noise when I'm forced to do something I don't want to do it. No it's not called discipline.

While I believe that my discipline level can be worked on, but it's not discipline to force yourself to like and do something you totally have no feel, calling,

Discipline is what helps you achieve your dreams but cutting out unnecessary and useless activities; Discipline is NOT cutting out what you love to do and forcing yourself to like something you hate or feel nothing for.

When you love playing the piano and want to become a noted musician in the world; it's discipline to make yourself practice 5 times a week.

It's not discipline to tell yourself that you should just spend your time getting your As and getting acquianted with accounting.

Perhaps it was my mistake to have chosen accounting in the first place. But with all due respect to accountants and people who love accounting(like Xinhong), I totally hate it. Ha..

I find reading numbers to be a bore. Takes me about 3 minutes to lose my focus.

What a pity it is that most people believe that becoming 'marketeable' is the highest aim of any body.

"Where you going?"

"Finance/Banks."

"Why, cos of money ah."

"Ehhh.. no, because I like numbers."
"No, because I like challenging myself."

I find that hard to believe. Ha. With due respect to those who really love the subject of finance, ultimately its really about getting a good pay-> $$ -> security.

And for the Christian:

Good pay -> $$ -> security in life -> Be 'set' for life -> Less need to lean on God

How about:

Heart -> Passion -> Uncertain $$ -> No natural security -> Uncertain future -> Need to lean on God

Sometimes we think that we're 'trusting' God. And most people live a life thinking that they've been trusting God ( God, Banks or Big 4? lead me as to which one you want me to go)

What do you want?

I want to go bank.

Nono, what do you really want?

I er...

You know sometimes we limit God don't we. And because we think in God's eyes there are only two kinds of jobs: Banks or What not that we neglect our heart's desires.

What if you really loved to write? to dance? to sing? to connect with people? preach?

How about becoming a dancer? a writer? a singer? a counsellor? a pastor? missionary?

No lah. So low pay. Not marketeable. Don't think God will ask me to do something like that. Don't know if will succeed or not( don't know if I can feed myself)

Culture has made us believe that good jobs are those in the financial institutions, but have you ever remembered that God created such a diversity of talents and abilities that no one industry can accomodate all?

Esp in SMU la. Bank bank bank. Finance finance finance. I'm getting sick of listening to it man.

Continue thinking like that, sure. Cover your own backside. You will never walk into God's destiny for your life. You'll never find your promised land if you continue to decide that you want to arrange life for yourself.

Allow God to arrange life for you.

At its root its called practical agnosticsm. With our mouths we proclaim God the Lord of our lives, with our actions we proclaim that we are the Lord over our lives.

Oh man, digressed again.

Anyway back to the subject topic.

Sometimes I still wish God can shut that heart down. I'm absolutely petrified by beauty. PETRIFIED.

Check this blog post by John Eldredge. He's the best man. Ha.

Simone Weil was absolutely right—beauty and affliction are the only two things that can pierce our hearts. Because this is so true, we must have a measure of beauty in our lives proportionate to our affliction. No, more. Much more. Is this not God’s prescription for us? Just take a look around. The sights and sounds, the aromas and sensations—the world is overflowing with beauty. God seems to be rather enamored with it. Gloriously wasteful. Apparently, he feels that there ought to be plenty of it in our lives.

I am at a loss to say what I want to say regarding beauty. Somehow, that is as it ought to be. Our experience of beauty transcends our ability to speak about it, for its magic lies beyond the power of words.

I want to speak of beauty’s healing power, of how it comforts and soothes, yet also how it stirs us, how it moves and inspires. All that sounds ridiculous. You know your own experiences of beauty. Let me call upon them then. Think of your favorite music, or tapestry, or landscape. “We have had a couple of inspiring sunsets this week.” A dear friend sent this in an e-mail: “It was as if the seams of our atmosphere split for a bit of heaven to plunge into the sea. I stood and applauded . . . simultaneously I wanted to kneel and weep.” Yes—that’s it. All I want to do is validate those irreplaceable moments, lift any obstacle you may have to filling your life with greater and greater amounts of beauty.

We need not fear indulging here. The experience of beauty is unique to all the other pleasures in this: there is no possessive quality to it. Just because you love the landscape doesn’t mean you have to acquire the real estate. Simply to behold the flower is enough; there is nothing in me that wants to consume it. Beauty is the closest thing we have to fullness without possessing on this side of eternity. It heralds the Great Restoration. Perhaps that is why it is so healing—beauty is pure gift. It helps us in our letting go.

Source:http://www.xanga.com/solderchecker/662322194/item.html

Leadership Movies

2008-10-19T01:10:00.000-07:00

The previous post is a long overdue post which I left in my draft because I didn't have the time to finish it.

Anyway I'm currently busy with schoolwork( tell me something new!) and, okay here's the more interesting thing I guess: building my website. Maybe in time when it looks more decent I'll place the link here.

I'm doing a section in the website called Leadership Movies. I'm actually looking for good leadership movies that I can place for recommendation on my website. So if you know any movies that teach a good leadership lesson; do let me know in the comment box?!?! Haha.

In the next two weeks I have 7 projects/quizzes/reports due, so I mean, it's like a broken record when you are talking to SMU students now. It's the same story for everyone and like, sometimes I wonder if it even goes to the brain of the person I'm telling.

Haha.

"Been busy?"

"Yeah. So tired."

"Why?"

" I have (insert blanks) due in the next week."

As I'm saying that, I sometimes just cut myself off. I find making that statement to be drawing no compassion from people; not because they don't care, but because its the same old story every term, and the same story for 1000 other people.

Maybe one day I'll reply differently.

" Life's good. God is with me. I screwed up my quizzes and report but I don't care."

Ha. Take that, SMU. =P

Anyway, I really DO have alot to do now, so till next time I'm less 'drowned',

Here comes Eve, beware!

2008-10-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

As I was walking with my friend yesterday to lunch, there were like some guys just taking a second look at her.. the first thought that came to my mine," Here comes Eve, beware."

But recently, I've been really thinking about the kinda risk God actually took in creating Eve.

I remember reading this in Wild at Heart and I thought it was such a revelation! God created the world from simple to complex. From the sky and earth, to the sun, stars. Then in increasing complexity, the mountains, then the flowers, then the animals, and finally man.

So man is supposed to be like the most complex being amongst all of God's creation. He had something that all the other created things did not have: a soul.

But wait. There was one more created thing after man; a far more complex being, far greater in beauty: women.

Ah, now you know why women are so complex. Haha. They're supposed to be the most complex!

But why was it a risk?

Eve was closer to in God-likeness than anything else in creation. This meant that man apart from God, would very most likely worship the next thing closest to Him: woman.

And I tell you, many guys, myself in my earlier days included, have placed woman in a position in our hearts that only God is supposed to occupy. Many guys have put the woman in worship.

I mean, look at the kind of music these days. Pst Kong said that the pop music of today reflects the culture of today. I mean, the daughters of Eve are almost worshiped, if not already worshiped.

These are two things closest to God in the natural world, which is what makes them objects of worship for alot of people who don't know God: Women and Money.

Ah. That sounds totally familiar doesn't it. Haha.

So anyway, to my female readers; it's really a compliment when it is said, you are closer to God in likeness, in complexity, in beauty.

You are in a position where guys might put you on that dreaded pedestle of worship. Watch out for the signs. =))

Compromise.

2008-10-13T04:03:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I did something that I never done before in my life: I blasted my Exco for their ill-discipline.

I just felt that I had allowed the standards to drop to such a level that it was just simply unacceptable.

Writing that email to reprimand the Exco was not something I wanted to do, nor something I felt equipped to. I just knew that when I sent that email, I'll become a very unpopular figure in my team.

The guy that speaks the bad news into the happy family.

I just hope that they will take it with a good attitude.

Sometimes as a leader to our peers, we must get a breakthrough in this area. The move from being a people pleaser to a God pleaser. I knew that the reason I didn't want to send that mail because after that, the line becomes clear.

You will either hate me or you would listen and stand with me.

I guess that's how we just have to be as a leader. Be the bearer of bad news. Be the disciplinarian.

It's easy when you are clearly superior in position and age and seniority, but it isn't easy when the people you're scolding are your friends. It's these times that you wish they weren't.

I don't feel I did the wrong thing by giving 'it' to them. I just can't compromise on these standards any longer.

The ministry is more important than my 'face' or me being a nice happy guy.

And speaking of which, today I'm expelled from Mr Christian Nice Guy school. lol.

Budgeting

2008-10-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

Today Pastor Kong talked about budgeting our finances.

I think it was something that really spoke to me because I realized I haven't been budgetting my finances for a long time ever since my computer crashed.

Budgeting is basically planned spending. And as a leader, we need to know how to plan our lives before we plan others' lives.

Self-leadership is one of the toughest things to do, but seriously, if you don't have self-leadership in your life, how can you have leadership in your organization or your team.

Budgeting does not mean that you cut down on every area of your spending, but it means you plan for it, and then keep within that budget.

I am motivated to start creating a budgeting template for myself, for my daily income and expenditure as well as a monthly summary, which I did the last time.

I think it's a great way to keep ourselves from debt and from overspending. Good stewardship with our money is important because it shows the level of self-leadership in our lives.

We want to plan for an organization's budget well. First we got to do our personal budget well.

--------------------------

On a side note, life's been pretty low recently for me. I'm going through quite alot in my heart now.

Alot of past wounds are resurfacing again.

Alot of hurts.

Sometimes I'm tempted to bury all that, and become a hard-driven, independent person who is an 'overachiever'. I could. I'm very tempted to. So that I will never need anyone again.

I'm faced with a decision everyday. I could choose to hide all the wounds and become an angry, hard person. Or I can bare my wounds in front of God, and let all that pain come in, and allow myself to grieve for the wounds.

It's going to hurt. But I guess it's the only way to the life God promised me.

When we kill our hearts along our journey in life in order to become 'stronger', in eseence we kill off our relationship with God, because in our hearts we're really resolving to say that," God, I don't need You in my life anymore. I can do life myself."

Sometimes when we choose we live from our hearts, allow our hearts to surface that we get hurt by people; by our team, by people we love. When we open our hearts like that, we open up ourselves to a risk. The risk of getting hurt and disappointed.

But then how, do we choose to kill our hearts because it hurts us, maybe for some of us, most of the time? Or do we choose to continue living from our hearts, because it is only with our hearts that we can do life well, with our whole body, soul and spirit.

Without our hearts, we cannot pray.

When we choose to kill our own desires, we cannot pray anymore. We don't need God when we don't have desire in our hearts. We don't need anything out of our control. We seek to control our environment by our own efforts. Whatever we cannot control, we kill or shut down.

Why then, we could get by much easier.

No more hurts, no more tears.

But we miss the point then.

The point of life is to experience its pain, hurt, love, joy in its fullness. To experience every emotion fully. The abundant life that Jesus promised in John 10:10.

Sigh.

I know very well what my heart is thinking and what decisions my heart is trying to make, but it doesn't make it any easier.

To self:

2008-09-30T00:38:00.000-07:00

Build your business.

Take care of yourself.

No one is going to take care of you.

Manage your time selfishly.

No one's going to fight for you to have time for yourself.

Communication in Leadership

2008-09-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

Communication in leadership is such an important thing. Recently I've really been getting alot of feedback and insights on communication in leadership from the people around me.

My friend Weixin was telling me about how he feels that an organization as a whole should continually articulating its mission statement to their staff, so that the staff does not keep just doing admin and lose heart after a while, because the things they do are mundane.

Same thing with any group and with Uni-Y as well. I saw the importance of continually aligning the club in its core vision through sharing again and again with everyone.

That way everyone runs with a vision, and not instructions on things to do. How can a someone to be son to you, like how Timothy was a son to Paul? By you first sharing your heart's vision with them. If not they're just people who do mundane activities, and they're going to lose heart in time.

How many people do you know who actually love doing things without knowing its purpose? Don't blame your members for not running with you. Ask yourself when was the last time you actually shared the organizational vision with them?

Remember: A vision is NOT a number. There are some people who use numbers to articulate vision.

" We want to make $10,000 during the year 2009."

" We want to have 50 members in our group in a years' time."

That's a goal, not a vision. And not expect people to run with a goal. Goals are milestones. They are not vision.

Vision involves you painting a picture of what things can be. What things should be. That is sharing a vision. And people run after visions. People are motivated by visions. They aren't motivated by a number.

So continue to communicate. Remember that communication is the key to life. Communicate not at the speech level, but at the heart level. You'll see that people can flow with you much better =)

Leadership Icebreakers #2

2008-09-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

Here's another game on leadership icebreakers you can use to actually start off your crowd on the topic of leadership.

Leadership icebreakers #2: Taking the initiative

The speaker told everyone in the seminar to go around to exchange greetings with five other people in about 5 mins.

After 5 mins, he asked the crowd a few questions:

1. How many people actually did that for five other people? How many did less?
2. How many people did it for more than five people?
3. How many actually went the extra mile and starting asking others for namecards?

During this short exercise, the group was able to evaluate themselves on how they would behave on in a relationship: were they active people who would take the initiative to get to know others, or were they the type that were passive and waited for people to get to know them.

As a leader, we have to learn to take the initiative to get to know people. We are supposed to be the 'hosts' ( as opposed to guests) in a relationship. This means that we take initiative to direct, lead, make the other party feel welcome in your presence.

It means going the extra step in any relationship. Put it this way. People under you most likely won't be the ones coming to you and purposefully getting to know you. In Asian culture, it doesn't work that way.

It's always the superior that initiates the conversation and leads the direction of the conversation as well. So if you're in a position of leadership, you have to be the ones to befriend people, and not expect them to come to you for it.

On a side note: I'm writing this leadership icebreakers for a reason. Of which I'll tell you my friends if you ask me over MSN only. Haha.

Life's been pretty great. When us SMU-CHCers come together to pray in the morning, we can feel really energized and focused for the rest of the day to be productive, effective individuals.

Remember, that when we put Him first in our lives, says Matthew 6:33, that all the things that we need will be added unto us. =)

Leadership Icebreakers

2008-09-22T01:51:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a leadership workshop and these are some of the leadership icebreaker games that the trainer played.
Leadership Icebreakers #1:
Communication in Leadership
Needs: A group of people and a ring of rope.

#1: Everyone, with their 2 hands, holds a section of the ring of rope standing up.

#2: The instructor gives an instructions to form the rope into a particular shape, say a circle.

#3: The group attempts to coordinate their movements and then lay the rope down on the floor with the spoken shape.

#4: They are asked by the instructor if the shape is to their satisfaction. The instructor then asks for feedback from the group about their experience in performing the exercise.

#5: Repeat steps #1-#4 with a more complex shape( a dog, flower or what not), but this time round without speaking and only using hand gestures.

#6: Repeat steps #1-#4, this time round without even hand gestures.

This exercise can be used to illustrate the importance of communication in leadership. Sometimes as leaders we don't know the importance of communication our goals and objectives to our members. As such, we get people who give vague results. But you see, you can't blame them. Vague instructions begets vague results.

I've had this experience with Uni-Y, where I didn't know the importance of constant communication of the goals of the organization. I thought once was enough and if I said it too many times, people might find me a irritating. But the converse was true. Upon feedback, my leaders told me that I needed to let them know about where we're heading because everyone was lost about what's happening and all.

Thank God for feedback. Ever since, I've made weekly communication of activities and now I have to go to the next level: making shared decisions as a team regularly.

Communication is the key to life. It's the key to getting any organization moving.

As a leader, you just gotta learn to be sure and exactly sure about what you want. If you're not sure about what exactly you're trying to achieve and that un-sureness gets communicationed to the members, you're not going to get anything right done.

Identity

2008-09-17T01:16:00.000-07:00

Today I felt the down down feeling again.

The feeling of you-know-not-what, but you're just down all of a sudden.

But after several incidents like it, I sort of guessed what it was: A judgment on my identity.

You know like, sometimes when people say something bad about you, or criticize your actions; you find yourself reacting more than what is rational. Sometimes maybe just a simple comment about your talking style, your personality, your dress sense and the like actually gets to you more than it should.

Your mind doesn't understand why you feel down, but your heart just does.

It's one of those,"I feel crappy today, but I don't know why."

It's a judgment on your identity. You unconsciously take someone's comment on you as a evaluation or judgment of your identity or who you are.

It usually happens when a person is not clear about his/her identity in God. The person takes the comments of another (usually the ones closer hurt more because we usually draw our identity from our family or close friends) as who they really are.

" Your shirt doesn't match your pants." becomes
" I'm a lousy dresser."

" I don't think that's a good idea." becomes
" You're uncreative and have lousy ideas."

" I think the program needs improving." becomes
" You're such a lousy planner."

or the more vicious ones,

" You purposely want to destroying my plans. You're not helping me and you're against me." becomes
" You have a bad heart that wants to sabotage your friends."

That's how some harmless comments get turned into judgments that actually hurt you.

1) Insecure people make you feel insecure about yourself.
It is the nature of an insecure person to want to criticize, blame or pull down others because doing so actually makes them feel more secure. By having weaker or unconsciously trying to discredit those around them actually makes them feel kinda better.

And it's not their fault. They themselves were faced with insecure or abusive people in their youth, causing them to be insecure themselves.

2) Take your judgment to God only
Only allow God to be your judge. In the end, it is God who created you and therefore only He really knows who you are. You derive your spiritual identity through your spiritual Father.

So listen to Him and Him alone, because only He knows who you are really. And take no criticism from others that are not in line with the Word of God.

Remember, while we are imperfect people, our nature, when we were connected to God, was inherently good. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

And anyway, God doesn't judge you for what you've done wrong because there's already forgiveness in Jesus.

And remember that knowing this in our heads and knowing it in our hearts is two entirely different things. We can proclaim it all the time, but it is through knowing our Heavenly Father that we can truly derive this identity.

As a leader, our secure identity in God helps to be able to take criticism postively and move forward, and in days were we make mistakes, we're able to accept our imperfections and improve without feeling too lousy about ourselves. Because as a leader, it's natural that our faults are placed out there for the world to see because we are the ones making alot of decisions.

Our faults are magnified, and subject to alot of scrutiny and inevitably all the people who want to help you will give you ways to improve and all the people who don't like you talk behind your back about how screwed up you are.

Learn to take all these as comments, and only listen to God on matters of identity. Bring these comments and test them against the Word of God. Listen to those in line with the Word, and forget the rest.

But of course, it means alot more time with God. The question of identity is never in the head, but of the heart. When you really get to know your Heavenly Father, that's when your identity becomes as clear as crystal.

God first.

2008-09-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

You know recently the daily morning prayer meetings have really brought me a revelation about putting God first in our lives.

In our finances, we tithe because we want to put God first. So the first fruits of our finances go into the work of kingdom, with our heart to God.

And God promises that when we put Him first, all the things that we need will be added unto us.

So really, the morning prayer meetings we are doing now is a simple thing: To put God first in our day. Like the tithe, by praying the first thing in the morning, either corporately or personally, we are showing God that He is first in our lives, literally.

I mean, how many Christians have you heard telling you all about what it means to put God first in their lives? They come up with complex theories and behaviors that display what it means to put God first in our lives.

But really, putting Him first is about asking Him how you should go about the day, how you should make your decisions before you actually make them! I've seen countless Christians make their decisions and then ask God to prosper that decision!

But why would God prosper what He didn't ask you to do?

I think as a leader, you are put in that position where your decisions matter much more than otherwise. The results are even more obvious when you learn to put God first in your decision-making. Your organization or ministry is affected by that decision, be it from your flesh or from the Spirit of God.

Putting God first is at its heart, a surrender to God. And I always remember what Benny Hinn and Kathryn Kuhlman said: It's about surrender. It's about recognizing that everything you have in your hands; your job, your ministry, your organization really belongs to God, and it's about asking God what you should do with it.

I remmeber what Pastor Kong said about the employee that told him he was too busy with managing his cell groups to answer Pastor Kong's call into missions.

It's the same thing with God. We shouldn't be too busy with managing God's business that when God calls us, we're so caught up with what we believe is 'God's will' that we don't hear Him.

I'm always challenged in this area: Is Uni-Y really God's ministry, or am I secretly making it my own?

The answer can always be found in decision making. Is God the President of the organization, and hence you consult him before making a decision, or are you the president of your own organization/life and you make the decision before asking for His support?

Theories of Leadership

2008-09-11T04:56:00.000-07:00

Today we studied the contingency theories of leadership in AMA class.

Charismatic leadership, Transactional leadership, Servant leadership and the like.

One thing that the professor mentioned that really set me thinking about how untrue it is.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

I don't think power corrupts. Putting a person in a position of influence or leadership merely brings out a person's character. Leadership is like a magnifier of a person's values and beliefs.

If you don't know how to plan your life, you won't know how to plan the roadmap for an organization.

If you're quiet and don't communicate much, as a leader you will start getting miscommunications and misunderstandings within the organizations.

If deep in your heart, you're really a person who is insecure and needs affirmation from people around you, you'll do things when you're in leadership to glorify or find praise for yourself instead of serving the vision or organization.

Basically, the case of power corruption is really a reflection of our generation's lack of solid values in their lives.

God always brings a person through a period where his/her values are defined, refined, and created. Where he finds security and identity in His heavenly Father, and not having to find it elsewhere.

The problem comes when a person wants a position of leadership, wanting to lord over people to satisfy their insecure nature. That's when you see corruption.

Unrefined values before sending them for the test.

And leadership is a test of character, not so much a refiner of character. As a leader, what you are in your private life comes out and is put up on display for the whole world to see.

I never thought power corrupts, but rather it brings out the corruption of the human heart.

Changing my blog focus

2008-09-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

After reading Xinhong's blog and hearing some feedback from people, and after attending leadership contingency theory class fo AMA, I do think that it's better that my blog value adds to people who actually read it.

Rather than talking about what my life is and all, I think its better that I take a reflective and relevational approach to my blog. At least I can share with people my insights in my own leadership journey; through the reading, learning and applying it. =)

Seasons

2008-09-07T20:17:00.001-07:00

You know, like I'm beginning to recognize the times and seasons in my life. This season is really only a little reflection time, and like alot of time being out there, doing planning, speaking in front of people, negotiating. Like I've been thrown into battle suddenly.

During this period, it's the season where your character is revealed, as compared to the time of the 'cocoon', as one leadership trainer I met put it, where our character and values are being formed and refined.

Which is why I haven't been blogging. It's just not the season for me to blog. So bear with me la. I know it's not v interesting to hear about how sian I've been, or how long a day's been, or what not. Haha I'm basically repeating the story for thousands of other lives around me.

--------

Anyway I've just read Xinhong's blog over the past few days and I thought the thing he mentioned about people wanting to change you rather good to dwell on.

I think like people would really make a difference in this world; one thing is that they are in essence, different from the rest. I think that's one fact that will remain.

If we seek to be different from the world, then we must be different. Sounds painfully obvious. But how many people around you say that they want to be history makers or make a real difference in the world, and then, when the next person comes and tell them to get in line with the rest of the world, they do it.

They act the same, dress the same, believe the same. Like that how to change the world.

So we get people who tell other that they're too driven, too intellectual. I get people telling me I should adjust myself here and there to suit them. I should be less emo (reflective). Shoud be this, should be that.

Actually, it's really that somethings we do that make people uncomfortable, because like what Xinhong says; reveals their insecurity. A secure person doesn't mind someone around him to be stronger say, spiritually, intellectually, in strength of character wise, in motivation. In fact he enjoys the fact that there are people around him that he can learn from.

An insecure person however, deep in their heart, sees something like that as a threat. Of course no one admits it la. It happens at the heart level.

I mean of course there are those who just don't understand why people are different from them. Well, God made us all originals mah. I mean that's you hear and preach all the time.

I mean, if we really accept the premise that God did make us all different, why are we so surprised to see someone behaving, believing, liking different things from us?

In my role as a leader, my job is not to find people who are like me to be on the team. My job is to find people with diverse strengths to fill the roles that suit them the best. I'm weak at connecting to people at a group level; fine, I find someone who can to complement me.

When I put a team of 3 on a project, we need people from all 4 spectrums of the DISC personality. Need a D to drive it, an I to connect to the people on a larger manner, S-es for support and connecting one-to-one, as well as C-s to do the detailed planning.

When you're a leader, there's really no space for you to go and think about and complain that people are different from you. You start thinking about where the person fits best in the organism.

As the saying goes, a good team leverages on each other's strengths and cover each other's weaknesses.

You know, to really appreciate this difference, we must in our hearts know what God called us for. If we know what God called us for in our lives. What ministry and calling and stuff, we won't be going around feeling insecure, jealous and ignorant about others' calling.

We begin to understand that God has called us to strengths in different areas. It's almost like saying, I'm travelling path X, you're doing path Y. Who's faster? I don't know, we're not travelling on the same pathway, we have different obstacles, different valleys and peaks. There's totally no basis for comparison.

The fact that society does try to bring us into common ground through our GPAs to grade our lives, doesn't mean we have to listen to it.

We're unique; we walk different roads.

Don't walk another's.

=))

Hai

2008-09-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

Feeling that sad feeling again.

It like a constant struggle for my identity.

Anyway one interesting fact about my life now: The person I speak most to in MSN now; I only ever spoken one sentence to her in real life.

" Can I take a picture with you?"

Lol.

Apologies

2008-09-01T06:33:00.000-07:00

for not blogging for such a long time. Haha.

I think my life has come to a point where I have very little time to reflect because at almost any moment, my mind is on something to do. Not good.

Anyway I thank God that He's really doing a work in Uni-Y. Last Wednesday we had a breakthrough attendance of 120 people, which is like 3-4 times last year's attendance for a welcome tea.

The problem I'm facing now is really how to handle so many people.

Ah, that's where all the things I've learnt in church and in class comes in. Haha.

Systems.

Checks and balances.

Retention, follow-up.

The pressure is on me. I think this is the time where all the time I spent in my cocoon refining my values, my character is finally showing. Whether I did that time right or not, I think the next few months to a year will show. People looking to me for direction in the ministry.

But I must say it's interesting, tho tiring, to come up with modules to teach people HR management, leadership and how to manage volunteers. To teach people retention and follow up. I think I myself needs training in that area, considering that I'm a natural introvert.

Honestly if you ask me; I rather hide in some cave and blend into the background then go out and speak in front of the crowd. But bo pian. Haha. I'm forced to speak.
Well, thank God for these opportunities, which otherwise I would probably would never do it.

Uni-Y's growing and I'm getting busier with school work as well. But I really hope I still will have time to write those reflective blog posts and entries. Ha...

Maybe I should just cut and paste some from my weekly revelations to my cell group leader. Haha. I will. =)

Long time no blogzzz.

2008-08-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Ha. Hey all who still even catch up on my blog.

I haven't been updating ever since I came back from Hong Kong. I went there for a Uni-Y conference with the other Uni-Ys in the ASEAN region, from Hong Kong, Japan, Taiwan, South Korea, Philippines and so on.

Anyway most of the online action ever since I came back have been happening on my facebook. The HK people are really facebook addicts, so I'm catching up with them there. As well as on skype.

Realized only recently that skype is really great for chatting without using my hands. Lazy me. Haha.

Anyway it was an amazing time. The sharing of culture, the fellowship, the international meetings, the jokes, the interesting fling stories. Really love those guys. I guess for us maybe we've managed to interact with the nicer people. After all, they're all in Uni-Y to want to make a positive change in their society.

But it's great.

We're hosting the mini UN meeting next year in singapore. And we formed the coalition called University YMCA Asia Pacific. How cool is that. Haha.

Actually before this meeting I didn't have any idea how developed the Uni-Y overseas really were. They've generally been around longer than we were, but I must comment that the Singaporeans are probably the most competent in terms of like presentation skills and report writing and stuff.

Not to say its a good thing; these people from other countries I feel, live a more all rounded lifestyle than us. Who cares if they don't do it as well. They're happy people nonetheless.

Hmm, next year when they come Singapore must preach up a storm to inspire them to go back to their countries to make a real difference =)

Oh yeah, the singapore team got a chance to lead a devotion session. Kinda like a short short cell group. It was a great time for alot of people, including unbelievers, and one of them told me she felt like crying during the worship session and felt goosebumps. Praise the Lord ;) Holy Spirit was there.

You must understand these people don't get the kinda worship experience we get in CHC. More like the traditional kinda religious session. So I think it was refreshing for them for a more comtemporary style. =) Alot of them asked for the worship song 'still' after it. Really happy. Just a pity we couldn't take more of the sessions. Might have gotten a few saved tho. ( Must understand this is a community service conference. Haha. )

But it really opened up my heart alot. To see people from other countries and all. A refreshing change from just SMU and CHC. Not that either are bad. It's just great to know people from entirely different cultures ;)

Anyway, here are just some updates. The deeper issues, another time bah. ;)

FOC Pictures

2008-08-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

FOC pictures! Actually just my favorite;)

Haha.

Uni-Y FOC

2008-08-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

Well, the highlight event of the year for Uni-Y is finally over =)

There's so great things that happened, but not much time to write about it. Maybe I'll wait for pictures first =)

It's just so amazing where God has brought this ministry, and the people He has brought into it. =)

Tranquility

2008-07-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Here was a post I drafted but never posted it out 1 month over ago. Too close to the heart.

-------

Carry Me - Hillsongs

“Goodbye, I’m going to miss you.”

I said, as we reached the place where we had to seperate. She was flying off tomorrow.

I give her a pat on the shoulder.

“Really.”

She smiled.

As I turned to walk in the other direction, she raises her sweet yet firm voice above the sound of the afternoon.

“Be strong!”

I was pleasantly surprised; for it was an uncommon word from a gentle and quiet lady.

I turned.

I looked back at her one more time.

I smiled,

clenching my fist, I replied,

“I will!”

------

Two words more effect than a sermon.

They say two things that pierce the heart more than anything else does: Beauty and Affliction.

Beauty has pierced mine.

I would sit at my chair in my room, just sitting.

Just waiting.

Just longing.

For hours...

Suddenly, the TV doesn’t seem so interesting anymore.

Suddenly, the computer seems almost an hindrance...

Suddenly, I notice the beauty in my garden, the stillness of flowers under the moonlit night sky.

… the beauty of music, its power to capture emotion.

… the evening sky, lit by the setting sun.

I would wait.

Time would stand.

Beauty has stilled my heart.

They say, there comes a time in your walk with God, when it’s not about the battles anymore, when the Sacred Romance begins.

Suddenly, I notice.

Yes, You have awakened my heart to Beauty. Through her, You have.

They say, that only when a man begins to see, then he is ready.

---

“What is your address over there?”

“I’ll write.”

A smile. “Aww, that’s sweet.”

"I don’t know, I’ve only been there once in my life.”

Tomorrow’s battles don’t seem so hard. Yes, there is a certain quietness tonight. A stillness beyond time.

Tonight, time stands still.

-----

As I turned to walk in the other direction, she raises her sweet yet firm voice above the sound of the afternoon.

“Be strong!”

I was pleasantly surprised; for it was an uncommon word from a gentle and quiet lady.

I turned.

I looked back at her one more time.

I smiled,

clenching my fist, I replied,

“I will!”

I always will.

------------------

When I looked back, I thought I was ... too emotional.

But I just spoke to her over MSN tonight.

Tried to give her an overseas call but I think she wasn't at the phone.

Then suddenly.

That's feeling came back again.

That feeling of tranquility.

Of peace.

Like I touched the a tinge of that glory.

My heart stilled again. Stopped. In the midst of my crazy planning and following up on alot of events, my heart just stopped suddenly.

And noticed the sound of the crickets in the night.

The glistening of dew on the leaves.

It's something about her, or something I saw through her.

unexplainable...

But wow.

I suddenly remember the times where I would really just sit there and wait for God. For hours.

But now sadly, all of life's distractions is coming back to me. The TV especially, looking to be entertained.

But I remember the times where ...

I would just sit down and wait. and wait somemore.

I'm going to find it.

True beauty.

It's so unexplainable but so powerful, so heart-wrenching.

What is it about you that I am held captive by?

Homesick

2008-07-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

Once again, reading a friend's blog. He was aching because he had to leave Europe soon from his exchange. Yeah, it was probably a time for holiday and travelling and sightseeing for him.

The ache of leaving a holiday and coming back to 'reality'. The harsh reality of life with it's struggles, strivings and rat-raching.

That same ache when we look at a picture of a glorious sunset, the same ache of watching the serene mountains surrounded by lush green trees.

You know what's the problem?

We're missing home.

We're homesick.

We were never meant to live in the world we're living in now. It's a mess. We're missing that place that Adam and Eve first found themselves.

Eden.

Paradise.

We're all looking for it aren't we? That holiday in that beach resort, or treking in the ranged mountains.

We're looking for Heaven. On earth.

A place without pain, shame, tears, hurts, anger. A place of brotherhood, community, love, true friendship, heart-to-heart connections, a place of rest.

That ache is not unreal. It is real.

And it's pointing us back to where we first began.

Pointing us to Home.

We can never explain the existence of Heaven with our heads. Not with reason or science or facts.

But we know it exists with our hearts. We cannot deny the ache in our hearts, can we?

------

Today I begin to notice the sounds again.
The chirping of the birds.
The silhouette of the branches against the evening sky.

Beautiful.

Thank God for beauty. =)

Freedom – Being you

2008-07-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

“God, I’m tired.” There I go again.

“Of what?” was the immediate reply.

Oh.. now that’s something new.

“Of being someone else.” My heart blurted out.

Ah. My eyebrow is raised, and my attention is caught.

“Be real, Yihan. Be yourself.”

“I’ll try.”

“No, it’s not about trying. You don’t have to try to be yourself. Just live being true to your heart. Your feelings. Don’t listen to them when they tell you that it’s not about how you feel, but what you should do.”

“Eh…. I’ll ..tr… I will.”

I’ll be real.

Now, no wonder I like being alone so much. I’m just myself and I don’t have to try.
I can just walk at my own speed. Thinking about stuff as I wish. And tell my God who understands every single feeling and thought that goes through my head.

Sometimes trying to be someone else is really tiring. We try so hard because we think being ‘right’ with God means living up to the standards and expectations of our church leaders.

One prayer I keep making, “ God, be my judgement. And no one else.”

Sometimes we try to be someone else because we’re afraid of being judged. We take people’s opinions of us as truth, as sentences.

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re too slack. You should come church and cell group more.”

“You’re too aggressive.”

“You think too much.”

Or the big: “ You’re not good enough.”

And so what do we do? We live by people’s standards. We try to be someone else to be accepted.

And sadly, usually the people we want acceptance from the most are the people closest to us, and it makes it all the more tougher.

Jesus only seeked one approval. There were those who accepted Him, and there were those that didn’t. I think it must have hurt to have his brother reject Him.

But sometimes what happens when we live from our hearts. The people around us start beating us down. You’re too emotional. You’re too this or that. You’re too unspiritual. Pray more.

And on two occasions I took down 2 blog posts, because it was straight from the heart. And it left me vulnerable.

We live in a world with people denying their own hearts especially in churches rife with religion and beat others down when they live from their hearts.

Really, I really believe that the best gift you can give someone is to give permission for that person to live from his/her heart.

I remember a friend once telling me:
“ Yihan, I don’t want to go for service this two weeks because I feel that when I don’t go for service but spend the time with God instead, I feel more refreshed and closer to Him.”

“Well then, don’t go for these two weeks then. Just let your cell group leader know that you’re coming back two weeks later.”

Cell group leader comes after me with knife again. Haha.

We need permission. We need permission to be who we really are.

St Irrenaus said that the glory of God is the man fully alive.

When we live fully from the center of our hearts, that’s when the glory of God will show most powerfully in our lives. It’s a pity most of us live denying that part of us that will ultimately reveal His glory.

Sometimes I feel like asking friends out for supper, but I always back away because I feel like I have to be something else.

So to my friends around me: and I think I speak for everyone. My greatest wish is for you to allow me to be myself around you. Don’t judge me. That alone is a bigger gift than anything else.

And that’s why Jesus told us not to judge. It’s all this judging that forces a yoke, a burden on people’s necks to be someone else. Accept the nuances of your friends, the flaws, the imperfections, the bad habits.

God accepts you.

And it also comes to the point where you know, we have to find our identity in God. As I mentioned earlier, God should be our ultimate judge and no one else. God alone knows who we are and He has our real Name written on a white stone ( in Revelations) reserved for overcomers.

It is only your Father who can tell you who you are. The One who made you.

Anyway at the end of your life. You’re not answering to your friends. Their opinions won’t count for a thing. You’re going to answer to God.

So we have to come to place where we live free fully from men’s opinions, and seek only One approval. It’s tough. It’s a journey to the center of the heart. One that might take a lifetime. But at the end we find freedom. Freedom.

Friends, the act of judging does not mean we do not see the flaws or acknowledge them. It is to acknowledge them and accept that imperfection. I’ve several friends whom people would consider weird or what, but hey if you love them, get in their shoes and understand their perspective and their lives.

If only I had permission to punch those people who judge. Ah well.

No wonder Jesus was so pissed with the Pharisees.

Freedom - Part I

2008-07-12T03:19:00.000-07:00

I was reading my friend's blog yesterday and it suddenly reminded me of something I was supposed to write but left it aside weeks ago. Freedom.

Freedom. Jesus says that it is for freedom that He came to set us free. Freedom from religion, freedom from sin.

She mentioned Pastor mentioned religious people saying things like:

“The TV is the devil’s box, don’t watch it.”

or “ If you bow towards your elders, it is like worshipping them so it is wrong."

Well, it really sounds absurd. But I want to say that sometimes these rules run more subtly in the church, and they do have them in every church, and this is because of man’s refusal to rely on God and God alone. Sometimes they need rules and regulations so that they know they’re ‘okay’.

More subtle ones would be like, “Thou shall attend service and cell group every week.”

or “Thou shall pray an hour a day and read 3 chapters of the Bible everyday.”

Well, really, it is unspoken and because it’s a spirit of religion. While the examples Pastor Kong mentioned might be blatantly dumb, but I think each of us should examine our hearts, because at the core of it is a spirit of religion.

Each of us has our own set of rules and regulations that decide if we’re ‘spiritual’ or ‘right’ with God. We have our own set of 20 commandments, or 200. It may not sound as blatantly stupid as what Pastor mentioned, but for each of us, often it comes unconsciously, into a heart that just refuses to lean purely on the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Let’s go back to the beginning.

In the beginning in the garden with Adam and Eve, God gave no rules, no nothing, and only one restriction not to eat of that tree. No Ten Commandments.

A few hundred years later, maybe thousands, we come to Abraham, who still didn’t have the Ten Commandments. Deemed righteous by God.

And then we observe Job, Noah who were deemed righteous by God, but hey, no Ten Commandments for them.

No Bible to read too.

But where does sin begin? It begins from a life that is resolved to be lived apart from God. The fact is, God placed a lot of desires in our heart, and it is our decision to choose to satisfy these desires apart from God that causes us to sin.

We desire beauty. God the creator of woman in her original glory, is far more beautiful than her. Yet when we seek beauty apart from God, we find pornography, prostitution and what not. But it is God that has the beauty that can truly captivate our hearts.

A famous writer (forgot name) said: “When a man knocks on the door of a brothel, he’s looking for God.”

We desire glory. God had given man and woman that glory in the original creation, but now that we’re separated from God, we choose to find our glory in riches, fame, power, when yet, God has the best and the original glory for us.

We desire fairness and justice. God is the judge for all, and it is when we choose to do justice for ourselves, we find murderers, unforgiveness, and hatred in our hearts. But God is the one who will do vengeance for the wronged.

We desire security. God gave it to Adam, but when Adam lost his glory, he was afraid, says the Bible. So since that time, us men and women have been trying to find security in all the wrong places, in having lots of money, in that girl/guy, in getting our As and what not. But it is God who can give us the ultimate security, because whatever else will fail with time.

But seriously, once you've seen the REAL thing in Jesus, you will never settle for what the world or the devil has to offer anymore.

So then, the Bible says to guard our hearts (and its desires), not to kill it.

I would see it as like .. let’s say, eating fast food. As I’m guilty of as I’m thinking about this.

We have a hunger for food. But hence here is the decision point, what would we use to ease that hunger? What would we use to fill that cup? So for most of us youths who don’t really give much of a care to our health, we fill it with fast food. We are fed, we fill full, but unbeknownst to us, our body is ‘polluted’ with crap.

And it works the same way for each and every desire of our hearts. We desire, let’s say.. security. Now we have options. More money so that we can have a secure future, the guy/girl that makes us feel safe, or God. It is like junk food, snacks or a wholesome homemade meal with fruits and vegetables?

Whatever we use to ease our hunger, to fill our cups, we would choose it more easily the next time. Whatever we choose to make us secure, we’ll in all probability stick to it.

Did you know that if a child grows up eating fruits, vegetables and all the right food in his/her diet, the child will have a distaste for sweets and chocolates and the nonsense food? Cool right.

It's the same with us. Once we tasted God, we don't want anything less. We reject the phoney.

I’m not saying it is not okay to find security in money, or a guy/girl. Each of it provides us with a certain level of it no doubt. I’m just addressing our ultimate source of security.

Which cup are you drinking from today to quench that desire? (Remember Jesus told the Samaritan woman to drink from a cup that she would never thirst?)

I remember one time I was praying in my room, and telling God, “God, I want to build this website and make $XXX dollars a month with it by the end of the year!”

“Why?” was the immediate impression I got.

I immediately thought out what was in my heart, “Because then I’ll be set for life (without You).” I was absolutely shocked at what came into my mind.

But I caught the idol of my heart. In my heart, I still wanted to rely on money to give me that security that only God could give. I smiled; gotcha! =)

It set me thinking about myself, do I really see money as a channel of blessing to others, or is it just to me so that I can live in the false security of it, thinking that once I have enough, all my life will be in a sense, settled.

A side note: It is good to talk out your feelings and your desires, often they give a big clue about the condition of your heart. Don't keep in all in, or trying to think what's not right and what's not wrong. You have to speak it out and go deep into your own heart.

Well, the point I’m trying to say is that, our desires are not wrong. That’s why Pst Mike say don’t go and drive a knife through your heart. Your desires are important and they matter to God.

Your heart is the treasure of the kingdom.

And so then, back to Jesus. What did He do for you? Bible says he came to set us free. It is for freedom he came to set us free.

How does reconciliation with God set us free? By having our desires connected back to Him again. When our desires are connected back to God, we become free from the bondage of anything of this world to seek what we are supposed to seek from God: Security, Beauty, Glory, Justice, what not.

We suddenly don’t need money anymore to give us security. No need pornography to find beauty.

It is when we are fully connected back to God once again, like in the original creation. That’s when the law gets written in our hearts. That’s when we can do away with these rules and regulations. Because by being connected back to God again, we automatically fulfill the law. Not that the law is abolished. No. It is fulfilled.

Would you covet if you knew (in your heart) that God of all universe is your provider?
Would you murder if you knew God would do justice for you?
Would you find an idol if you knew God would be your ultimate protector and provide you the security you need?

At Jesus’ death and resurrection, the veil in the temple was torn and the relationship between God and man could be restored, at its fullest potential, like in the original creation. The beginning without rules, without commandments, but a pure freedom to live freely with desire, free from addictions.

Yes, that’s the freedom Jesus is talking about.

The freedom to desire.

The freedom to live from your heart.

Our highest calling is not morality, it is freedom.

Friends.
In Jesus, you are truly free.

*Imagines yourself soaring with outstretched hands through the skies overlooking the lush green forests, passing through the great bodies of clouds in the sky.*

Yes. Freedom to live life to the fullest.

This, my friends, is called the Good News. =)

And in typical Braveheart fashion, I end my blog post with a,

*sword thrusted up in the air* "FREEEEEDDDOOOOOMMMMM!!!"

2008-07-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

I can't take Tax Planning. Didn't get the bid.

And now I have to take AFA.

My life is over.

Narnia

2008-06-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

I've watched Narnia about 4 times now, almost all on TV, and I never fail to be captivated by it.

Especially where Peter goes," For Narnia and for Aslan!!!"

So much stirs inside of me when he charges into battle against evil.

And it always is interesting to 'ah!' about certain parts of the show; those that link back to the Bible. For those might not know, Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is a story of Jesus and his defeat of death written by CS Lewis, one of the greatest Christian writers of the 20th ( or was it 19th) century.

It was interesting to note that Lucy and her sister(forgot her name) accompanied Aslan and were there at his resurrection. So did Mary her mother, and Mary Magdelene at the Cross and at Jesus' tomb.

It was also another thing to note that Aslan went to the white witches castle to actually set the captives free before he actually went to battle with the white witch. Jesus went down to Hades to set the prisoners free before he ascended into Heaven. Amazing ah.

And how Aslan, after killing the white witch (defeating Death) turned to Peter and said that line we all know so well:

" It is finished."

But the part I liked the most was one of the last conversations with Lucy and the fawn.

" You shouldn't press him (Aslan). He's not a tame lion."

"But he's good."

Amen to that.

Jesus wasn't a tame man, nor a nice one. But He was good. Guys, God didn't call you to be tame or 'nice'. He called you to be wild. And good.

Anyway, I've decided I'm doing too many things that are irrelevant and just simply taking up my time for nothing, so I'm streamlining my activities. And blogging is one thing that has to go out of the window.

After this, I just have one last post to share, when I have more time to write. And then that's it. =)

Something has changed.

2008-06-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

Something changed in my heart.

Suddenly, I don't like the TV or the computer anymore. It just suddenly lost all of its attraction to me. It's like... my heart saw something greater. Something.

Something's changed in my life.

And I'm glad.

=)

Daughter of Destiny

2008-06-21T07:42:00.000-07:00

I was just reading Kathryn Kuhlman's Biography titled Daughter of Destiny.
(Kathryn Kuhlman is the spiritual mentor of Benny Hinn)

(Yeah, I put Pilgrim's Progress aside for a while. Typical of me. Haha)

Went through 9 chapters in one shot.

One thing I can say about her life. Wow.

Kathryn Kuhlman was not a perfect lady, with a perfect life. Far from that. She had her fall from grace which kept her out of ministry 8 years when she married a man who divorced his wife for her.

I'm just awed by the things she said, her life philosophies she held. It was alot of imperfections, alot of character flaws, alot of things not done right in her ministry.

But God used her.

That's the bottom line.

Many things about her life hit me, but I think what was key was this, I quote from the book:

When Kathryn preached those heart-searching messages on a jealous God who would not 'share the glory' with any earthly figure, she was preaching to herself. She knew how desperately she needed to hear that message and apply it to her own life. So she preached it over and over, for no minister in this century - perhaps even the Time of the Apostles - was under more pressure to weaken and accept some of the glory herself.

and the chapter ends with:

"At times," she once confided privately, " in my weakness, I just go ahead and accept the praise and thanksgiving. Sometimes I am so weary that if I did not accept some of the praise I would go under. And it seems God allows me to do it, just to keep me going. But at the end of the day, when I am all alone in my bedroom, I raise my hands toward heaven and say,' Dear Jesus, you know what they said abou me today. But now I give it all back to you. I am nothing, and nobdoy knows that better than e. I have no healing power. No healing virtue. There's nothing attractive in me. But dear Jesus, you are everything. And today the people got us all mied up. I didn't have the strength to straighten them out, but I know you understand. And now I give you all they gave me. I ask but one thing - take not your Holy Spirit from me, for without Him I will surely die."

Wow. Scarey. Haha.

But from the mouth of one of the greatest evangelists of the 20th century.

Evening

2008-06-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, I really appreciate the evenings that I'm able to reach home before 7 pm. I've been having meetings on Monday and Wedneday, and tonight is cell group meeting.

Last evening, I picked up a book I bought: Pilgrim's Progress.
It's an amazing book written by John Bunyan in the 17th century, but it remains a classic till today. In the preface, it writes," A book known by many as a Christian publication second only to the Bible."

Wow.

So yeah, anyway I pick up my garden chair, plonked it in the middle of the garden, and started reading, while observing the crimson evening sky, lit by the setting sun.

A lone street lamp stood as the foreground between me and the sky,
like a silent, still light standing in world going to sleep.
There is a certain poignancy in that image,
I know not what,
but like a reminder of a far away place,
a place yet to visit, but found in my heart.

Anyway, I cut myself off and went back to my book. I wanted to do some reading before it got too dark to stay in the garden.

Pilgrim's Progress is about John Bunyan's dream about a man named Christian, in his journey all the way to the Gate (salvattion) and finally to the Celestial City(Heaven) and all the trials, temptations, people he meets on the way. Some whom choose to follow him, some choose to turn away, some taking the wide and easy way leading to destruction.

Very interesting. Good read. =)

Morning

2008-06-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

Today I was just sitting down at my kitchen for a cup of steaming hot tea of Lipton before I prepared to leave my house.

I observed the mango tree in my back garden,
how the leaves of the trees glistened in the morning light,

What a beautiful morning, I thought,
It's funny how mornings like this just you everyday but really, no one notices.
It's like God's way of hiding beauty in our lives,
until one day we see it.

Nature is so timeless, I thought
as I observed the purple flowers in their bloom in my front garden,
so oblivious to the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
A part that beckons your heart to be slow,
when all else is asking you to hurry up.

Ah well, it's something simple, yet magical I experience in the morning,
That's why I adore the early mornings, and that's why people shouldn't wake up at 12.Hahaha.

The 'mind' inside the mind

2008-06-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes I wish I could blog at an environment where there wasn't so much noise, but the basement which I have an internet in has, the TV on (with my brothers watching it) and my brothers' World of Warcraft on with all that noise. Plus all that flashing lights all over the place.

How to write from the heart. Haha.

For 2-3 weeks my Saturdays have been spent as a Sabbath. A time to reflect, to rest and to read. It's amazing how much God can speak to us when our hearts are still, when we're not thinking about the next thing we have to do or be done by Sunday.

I'll read in the garden, and occasionally put down my book to observe the stillness of the night. Sometimes looking up into the star lit night sky, relating to God. I would go for chapter after chapter.

I had an interesting revelation from a book I read yesterday, but more on it another day: Who we are being defined by what we do, especially this generation that almost worships efficiency and productivity often being labelled religiously as 'fruitfulness'.

But let it be for another day.

I just read something interesting which brought me back to 9 years old which I thought was good to share.

This is not to say the heart is only swirling emotion, mixed motives, and dark desire, without thought or reason. Far from it. According to Scripture, the heart is also where we do our deepest thinking. "Jesus, knowing what they were thinking in their hearts." is a common phrase in the Gospels. This might be most surprising to those who have accepted the Great Modern Mistake that "the mind equals reason and the heart equals emotion." Most people believe that. ...Solomon is remembered as the wisest man ever, and it was not because of the size of his brain. Rather, when God invited him to ask for anything in all the world, Solomon asked for wise and discerning heart. - Waking the Dead, John Eldredge

I remember at 9 years old, I was pondering this thought for a while ( yeah, the thinking alot went a long way back. Haha). I was thinking,' Wait, there's this voice in my head, that's speaking very loudly.' but.... ' there's another voice, this one softer.. what is it? Maybe it's the mind inside the mind.'

So that was what I settled for at 9 years old. The mind inside the mind.

The still small voice behind the voice of the mind.

If I could go back and tell the 9 year old me...

"It's just your heart."

Well, nothing revelational, but something that just popped up in my mind when I was reading.

Alright, now back to more time in the stillness of the night, away from the flashing colourful, noise-filled basement with its TV and World of Warcrafied laptops.

=)

Writings of the Heart

2008-06-10T17:32:00.001-07:00

Recently, I've decided to do one thing: To write from the heart.

Hence the new name of the blog.

But many times after I write, my first other instinct would be: Should I even post this up? What kind of reaction will it garner?

Maybe I should just keep my posts to updates on my everyday life and how everything is going on and stuff. That way, I don't ruffle feathers. That way, I
won't be vulnerable when my heart is seen.

Then I realized that's how alot of people live their lifes. From the false self, and not from the center of the heart.

Living from the heart often means that we'll be vulnerable and there's a chance for us to be hurt. Especially when we reveal our hearts and people don't treat that fragile thing with care.

When we are passionate about something and people around us tell us to just cool it off and follow the program.

But the real you exists in the heart; the invitation to know a person, is basically an invitation to know his heart.

God lives in your heart, and the way to be sensitive to God is to be sensitive to our hearts.

I was reading an article about Corrinne May, and she made a statement that resonated with me: "The best performances come from the heart; performing is about communication, about connecting with one’s audience. It is about reaching out to offer one’s story, one’s vulnerability, to a listener,” she stressed.

The power in a poet, in a writer, in a singer, in a preacher, is to speak from the heart, and to the heart. Sometimes you can sense it, whether something someone says is resonating from the heart, or is it just a shell. From the heart, the message becomes so much more powerful, whatever it may convey.

And I have an inkling that's where the power of God begins.

Anyway I've actually posted up another post before this, and I decided to take it down, because I felt.. it left me vulnerable. Which now I think about it, it does, and it wasn't wise to put it in cyberspace for the whole world to see.

I think the diary would do better.

The Glory of God is the man fully alive - St. Irenaeus

Mr. Nice Christian Guy

2008-06-03T07:36:00.001-07:00

Recently something has been getting on my nerves, and I hastily just expressed it out in anger, not vulgarities, but just in a sense, “ranted” to my friends from church.

However sometimes, I get this vibe that, hey, “You know, you should just forgive and forget the whole incident.” I get this thing that you know, it’s unspiritual to actually talk about how pissed you, and be pissed. You should just be nice, and then say something really ‘religiously’ and ‘scripturally’ correct.

It reminded me of what I read in Wild At Heart some time back. You know, God wasn’t a very ‘religiously’ correct person. Our God is a passionate God, and He doesn’t have a problem displaying His anger, His love, His hatred, His sorrow. And He’s even got it down on paper! He even got someone to write it down.

Jesus, when He went to the temple, with pre-mediated aggression, ( He made the whip with the intention of going to the temple to use it), and turned the place upside down.

Would you call him a nice guy? The same way you call a nice guy today. Oh yah , “ XYZ, yeah, he’s a nice guy.”

Jesus wasn’t nice. But He was good. He was passionate. And he had no problems showing His anger.

Look at the apostles who turned the whole world upside down.

Nice guys? You couldn’t count the number of people they offended.

Yet when you look to the church today, what do you see? A whole bunch of ‘nice guys’. How many guys in the church today can you count on to hold that whip, walk into that church and start turning the place upside down?

How many guys today can you count on stand up strong against religiosity?

Nope. They’re more like ‘nice’ guys.

“XYZ, yeah he’s a nice guy.” That’s probably what you hear nowadays. But what happened to, “XYZ, wow he’s a wild and passionate guy!”

I remember having lunch with my friend one day, I asked her, “ What kind of guy do you prefer, the nice kind of guy you see nowadays in church, or the type who will stand up for you and beat up whoever who’s trying to bully you?”

“Really.”

“The second one.” She turns and look at her food.

Another one:
“ I can’t stand church guys. I want to find a guy outside church. Church guys are so.. eeee ”. “Spineless?”, I suggested. I laughed out loud. I know what she’s talking about. But she didn’t. She thought she was being unspiritual for thinking that. What a sad thing.

Jesus was alive. He was very in tune with His heart. He knew how he felt and He was not afraid of expressing it out.

Yet when you tell someone or give someone the impression that being angry and talking about it when he’s hurt, even if it’s a small thing, is unspiritual or you dismiss him with something like,"Hmm, just forgive alright?"; you really are telling him, “You know, your heart don’t matter.” Hey, when you put something else above God, you hurt him, and He gets mad, and He’s not afraid to tell you.

You should really read some of the things He says when He’s mad. If another Christian were to say it, you would think him: how unspiritual. Seriously. Go read your Bible. Sometimes I’m shocked at the things God would say to His people. My goodness, what explicit terms!

And Jesus would say, “ Hypocrite! White-washed tomb! Brood of vipers!” Wow. How ‘unspiritual’. And He didn’t sin? My goodness. Hur hur.

Or some of us would imagine Jesus in His most gentlemanly voice, “My, my, you guys really shouldn’t do that. It is not good, you know.” And really, isn’t that what we expect our guys to respond? Seriously. Check your heart.

Honestly, It sounds more like “Screw you!” or “Bastard!” in modern day language.

“Oh nono… Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Tsk tsk, Jesus, how could you!?”

What bullshit.

There’s this total misconception of ideas of servanthood, humility, about turning the other cheek.

The truth is, Jesus had the strength to rule, but He humbled himself, and served. That is His true strength, in being able to retaliate, to rule over people, but despite that, not doing so.

Many guys act the same way, the ones we call with a ‘servant’s heart.’ When they are hurt, they don’t retaliate. Wow. Good. Know how to ‘forgive’ and forget.

But the thing is, many times it is not they don’t retaliate. It’s because they cannot. They don’t have the strength to retaliate, they don’t have to strength to rule.

Jesus strength was in that while He could slap you back, He didn’t. He could rule, but He served.

Many guys today, they don’t slap you back because they simply can’t. They don’t lord over you, because they simply can’t. That is not TRUE
strength, That is NO strength.

I remember Pastor Kong shared a story in Bible school, once when he was a very young pastor, there was this guy that was two-timing two of the girls in his church. When he found out, he immediately asked the guy to come meet him with his teacher.
He first talked to the guy nicely, and the guy was appeared rather disinterested with the ‘what-can-you-do-with-me’ look.

Then Pastor Kong just stood up and banged the table, held him by his shirt collar and said, “If you ever lay hands on any of my two girls again, I’ll make sure you’ll get it from me!!” The guy was so shocked and frightened he almost cried, agreed, and never came into the girls’ lives again.

Now that is strength. That’s offering your strength.

How many ‘nice’ guys in church you see is capable of the same thing?

Turning the other cheek applies to people who can choose not to. It doesn’t apply to people who don’t have a choice anyway.
When you can retaliate and screw your enemy upside down but don’t. That’s real strength.

Forgiveness applies to people who have been hurt and want to seek justice. They don’t apply to people who think nothing of an offence; the people that go “Ah, it’s okay, it’s nothing” and suppress all that hurt inside. No, its NOT okay. When you acknowledge that you have been hurt, misunderstood and offended, and this strong desire to find justice for yourself comes up, but you put it aside and say, “I forgive.” That’s real strength.

And when our leaders encourage this behavior without teaching and helping guys discover their strength, they emasculate them.

“Wow, look at XYZ, he’s so serving. Everytime I ask him to do something, he’ll never say no.”

Eh, have you considered he doesn’t have the guts to say no to you?

And we celebrate it! Woohoo! Let’s all just do what our leaders tell us no matter how many ministries we’re holding and how little time we have for prayer, its okay. Let’s just be serving.

Oh, we just need to crucify our flesh and pray no matter how tired we are after we’re done.

If you loved your wife, would you set some quality time aside for her, time that you’re not tired, but alive and able to engage actively with her? Or would you leave her to the last agenda of the day and try to keep awake, telling her about your day and not listening at all? “You really have to pardon me, I’m the breadwinner of the house so I have to work till late, so I can’t give you my best time.”

What is strength? Strength is when you know your relationship with God is the most important thing above all, and you’re not afraid to say no to a few leaders because of it.

Strength is when you’re clear about God’s vision for your life and you know who to say no to, and who to say yes to.

That is strength. And no, when a person is ‘okaying’ to everything that is asked of him, including giving up his quality time with God. That is not servanthood. That is weakness.

Have you also considered that the guys that are okaying to everything are doing so because they don’t know what to do with their own life?

Be a God-pleaser, and not a church-leader pleaser. That is strength.

The truth is: With a culture like this, many of the passionate men, the same ones you see in the Bible, they are turned away by the church. They are labeled unspiritual, ungodly, rebellious, disobedient. NDW. Bah.

Would a man like Martin Luther who stood against the Roman Catholic Church in the dark ages and against ‘God’ be found in the church today? If Jesus would step into church today, would he find a group of passionate men, loving the truth, loving Him, knowing what their calling is, and pursuing it. Or would He come back to really find… ‘nice’ guys. yuck. Guys who are really just following the crowd, and just flowing along and being a great ‘servant’ and not knowing what they’re really there for?

The truth is: God uses shit-stirrers.

Yeah. People who can stir shit.(This is an army term for troublemaker).

He used Saul, who was passionately killing Christians. And with that same passion after conversion, Paul worked harder than any of the apostles.

Look at Martin Luther, who stirred a hell lot of shit in the Roman Catholic Church with his 93 thesis, then started the Protestant movement.

Look at Pastor Kong who filled his first church with youths that upset all the elders in the church, and started our church.

God uses passionate people. You can be passionate about the wrong thing, but God can re-direct your desires for the right thing.

But the #1 thing is Passion. It is Desire. God will use a man with desire. Not a man who knows how to follow the program.

And passion comes from knowing your heart. It comes from knowing that your heart is important, that your desires are important, your feelings are important to God. Yes YOURS. Don’t do the ‘My desires are God’s desires.’ It kills your heart.

And it doesn’t come by a sermon about “Let’s have MORE passion!” and then suddenly Passion comes. Ha. I wished it worked that way.

God needs people who can stir shit to change the world. He doesn’t need nice people.

And guess where does your first opponent come from when you decide to ‘stir shit’? No prizes for guessing: from the church. It’s ALWAYS from the church. Because the Pharisees haven’t died today.

That’s why the ones who can change the world aren’t even in church. Cos they’re stirring too much shit for the Pharisees inside the church to take. They’re the ‘unspiritual’, ‘bad attitude’ , ‘rebellious’ guys.

But they are the ones with the passion. The ones with the real strength.

“Why aren’t the guys rising up?”

Hur hur.

You cannot ask them for strength they don’t have. You have either chased them out of church or stripped them of it.

I think we have to be intentional here. We must help a guy find his strength, and then teach him to use it right.

Let’s not be nice guys. It kind of sucks.

And please don’t call me NICE.. eeeeee. I promise not to be nice from today onwards. Hahaha.

Turn to your neighbour and say, “ I’m a shit-stirrer.”

Ha. =)

Goodness. How unspiritual of him.

=P

Apologies

2008-06-01T07:04:00.000-07:00

Apologies for not writing for so long, it's just that I have found a new love in spending my time being silent in the garden, sometimes reading, sometimes just waiting.

I've been penning down my deepest thoughts in paper instead, I find it more of a release than actually writing them in the public cyberspace.

----

I just read Xiaohui's blog about the book "God is not great". Haha, and that kick in that stomach. I can so identify with it. Oh, when I first started out as a Christian, the first book that kicked me in the stomach was the Gospel of Judas.

It's been a long time since. Now I look at these books and just give a knowing smile.

Because I know one thing, God cannot be explained away. He just simply can't. How do you explain away someone whom you've been with for the past 2 years, having a loving relationship with? You use a retina structure? C'mon... You got to do better than that.

God is real. And He is real to those who have chosen to seek Him, because they found. And that's what God promises, if you want to seek Me, you will find Me.

No, it's not the 'if you think it true, then it is true' bull. Nope.

God is so elusive, those who have never found Him will spend their life trying to explain Him in , or explain Him out. None succeed.

God is known by our hearts, not our minds. We know God exists because we know. I like to use what Aaragon said to Gandalf, in the Lord of the Rings.

" What does your heart tell you?"

Listen.

Be still.

Ask your heart. Your mind will never comprehend Him. Never. Maybe on that day when we are perfected, we might. But not today.

As you stood before, in the face of an awesome sight.

The orange glowing morning sun, rising in the distant land, where the heavens meet the earth. The warm morning breeze that brushes against your cheeks. You close your eyes. You are captivated.

You are held by an unseen glory that holds your heart captive.

You feel your heart wrench, the sight stirs up a longing in your heart.

The Ageless Romancer is wooing your heart, romancing your heart. He stirs this longing for a life eternal. A life that is beyond the everyday rushing to work, the everyday striving for success. The longing, for Eden.

For Home.

There is something in our hearts that tells us, as we stare into the sunset, no, we are not home.

Even at a young age, I find myself being woo-ed, being romanced by this beauty. I would stare into the trees in faraway places. Into the mountains far far away. It seemed somehow...

I would sigh.

I didn't know why.

I didn't know. I was being romanced by the Ageless Romancer.

And so I grew up. But the search for Heaven never ends. Some of us, we think we might find Heaven in that million dollars. Some of us, we think Heaven is in finding that romance. For me, Heaven is going away from Singapore into some remote regions of Europe in the mountains, start a farm and settle down with your family and live there till the day we die.

But we never find it. Our search alone exposes the answer. We are not home. We are not home. For that purpose, The Romancer has placed eternity in our hearts, so that we will find our way Home.

Yes. Home.

I imagine my home, basked in the orange glow of the morning sun. As I step into the front door, a little girl comes and embraces me. And as I step into the kitchen, a lady smiles with perfect radiant white teeth, eyes filled with joy at my return. She is working on the dinner we're going to feast on tonight.

I turn around. I'm surprised to see that the orange glow is emitted not by the sun, but by something beyond the lush green hills. I take a walk through the trees, their flowers in full blossom, arrayed in perfect colour. The leafs sway in the gentle breeze, reflecting the warm embrace of the orange glow. The first drop of morning dew falls from the leaf, disappearing into the grass underfoot.

There is a peace. A warmth.

I walk toward the hills, wanting to see what laid beyond. I take a slow walk up its gentle slope, and behold...

The Temple of Jerusalem.

A temple of gold, diamonds, of the most precious gems man has ever seen. Radiating such light that the whole of the heavens are lit. Such a beautiful orange glow that is not piercing, but mild yet lighting all of Heaven.

There is a Presence within the Temple.

An undeniable presence.

His house.

And your heart tells you: You are Home.

----

You don't have to rationalize it.

Listen carefully to your heart.

Just listen.

What does it tell you?

Just wait.

And listen.

You'll have your answer.

And so, God and Heaven don't exist because you believe you got a better idea for a retina?

Try harder.

Listen.

What does your heart tell you?

Entrepreneur’s Credo

2008-05-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

I do not choose to be a common man,
It is my right to be uncommon … if I can,
I seek opportunity … not security.
I do not wish to be a kept citizen.
Humbled and dulled by having the
State look after me.
I want to take the calculated risk;
To dream and to build.
To fail and to succeed.
I refuse to barter incentive for a dole;
I prefer the challenges of life
To the guaranteed existence;
The thrill of fulfillment
To the stale calm of Utopia.
I will not trade freedom for beneficence
Nor my dignity for a handout
I will never cower before any master
Nor bend to any threat.
It is my heritage to stand erect.
Proud and unafraid;
To think and act for myself,
To enjoy the benefit of my creations
And to face the world boldly and say:
This, with God’s help, I have done
All this is what it means
To be an Entrepreneur.

(Excerpt from Common Sense, written in 1776 by Thomas Paine)

I saw this at a colleague's table, and...

above all the nonsense i can say about how unfulfilling work life is, this captures my heart. =)

Amazing passage.

I am

2008-05-20T20:16:00.001-07:00

Blogging again at work.

Unemployed cos my colleagues got nothing for me to do at the moment.

Looking forward to lunch =)

If there’s one thing I want to thank this internship for,
It is that it has cultivated a habit for me to wake up at 6am plus to pray before work.

I will grab my garden chair and sit in the middle of the garden and start playing my guitar.

One day in the morning as I was singing I looked up to the sky.

One lone bright light in the sky.

Venus, most likely.

Then suddenly it came to me:

Bright Morning Star.

Wow.

Just one lone bright light in the early morning sky.

Beautiful.

Today morning I woke up looking at the bright morning star too, and I composed a song to God in 30 mins! Haha. All before work!

And I saw the early morning moon in its perfect roundness, not too distant from the ground.

Spectacular.

One day I shall take a picture of it, maybe tmr.

To me, it’s God’s treat for me for waking up early in the morning and honoring Him the first thing in the morning. Ha..

True Beauty

2008-05-19T04:43:00.000-07:00

At a certain point during the week,

Feeling down again.

Tired.

Then I thought of Mel again.

"When I'm lonely, I'll write on my personal diary about my thoughts and feelings."

Maybe its a form of release for her. I might just try it.

There's something about Mel's life that really attracts me. The simplicity of it all.

Family, boyfriend, a few close friends, settled in a small town in Papua New Guinea managing her dad's business. No complicated life. No complicated relationships.

The peace. Oh..

Yet I know what I seek is not in her, but something beyond.
Beauty beyond the beauty.
The longing beyond the longing.

A longing for... Eden.

But the battle is not done.
As he looks over the hills,
He sees,

There is much to conquer,
much to fight for.

The day is not done.
It will be awhile,

Before I come home.

I'm so tired; refresh me O' God.
The battle is not the end,
but the end is not without the battle.

Show me Your glory O' God.
Show me Your Beauty.

Then He answered:

(In conversation w friends) "I'm looking for her type of girl. A lady who is strong, but with feminine strength"

And then surprise, she shows up.

"Oh hey, we were just talking about you."

As I was observing her, poetry rose up in my heart.

Oh, your eyes of compassion,
they melt very depths of my heart.

Do not smile no more,
For my heart grows faint.

Let me stay,
Let me stay just a little longer.
Just a moment more.

" I think I know what you're talking about...

It's her eyes," friend tells me.

"No.. it's more than... " ( ...that, her eyes are a window to her soul.)
Anyway I couldn't say that coz she was just opposite. lol.

Siggghhhh.

Wow.. my heart doesn't feel so tired anymore.

Rest.

I could just sit there forever just appreciating her.

True beauty, like the flowers of the wild,
beg to be untouched, and simply to be appreciated.

In contrast, the beauty that the world potrays,
invokes lust, invokes a desire to take. To keep it for oneself.

True beauty invites appreciation. Invites the soul to want to fight for it, to stand up for it, and in my case, invites the soul to rest.

It invites the heart to want to give.

Siiigggghhh.

And don't be mistaken, I'm not in love. Haha.

As I laid down on my bed, I felt God gently remind me: That is my answer to you.

Wow.

Open door.

2008-05-15T17:54:00.001-07:00

I met Eunice Olsen on Tuesday at the YMCA AGM.

I was introduced by Yenpeng to her after the whole AGM. I was slightly taken aback by her ‘bubbliness’. She wasn’t what I thought she was: a serious, mature lady with a kind of air around her.

No leh. She was just a bubbly, talkative lady who just had a lot to talk about. So much so that I felt like the most serious person around her. Ha…

“ Hi Eunice, Yihan here is from Uni-Y, he wants you to help him.”

“ Oh, no no.. seriously I don’t know how you can help me as of now.”

“Oh it’s okay la, take contact first, and talk later!” (with a tinge of singlish)
*She proceeds to take my notebook from me and write down her hp number.*

That’s very graceful of her. Ha.

So then I smsed her to pass her my contact later on..

“Hey Eunice, I’m Yihan here…”

I’m thinking, my goodness. Never in my life, would I think I’ll be doing this.

“Hey Eunice???” Omigosh.

Hahaha…

But I thank God for this meeting, thank God that I stayed on even though I felt really tired after work and just wanted to go home. I just felt God say, “ This is the beginning of many.”

Thank God for the open door.

Anyway, I thought of a few ways I could get her help. Firstly to officiate the Uni-Y Freshmen Orientation Camp! Get her to be the guest of honour!! Heh.

Woohoo. =)

Sometimes when I run the ministry, I wonder if it all is worth it.

But when I read her reply to my sms, I just smiled and thought,

You know, It’s worth it.

Sometimes, that one word of encouragement makes all the sacrifice worthwhile.

2008-05-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

We had an tremendous manhood conference today! With no less than the man of God..

Mr Lee Xinhong to preach!!

Haha.

Xinhong, you're seriously one of the best cgl preachers I've seen among so many. You should really start a manhood ministry!

And he laid hands on me twice. Powerful man. The anointing really flowed. I haven't gotten touched with such power for a very long time liao!

I think the last message he preached about "Your word is your bond" was the best. I really feel challenged to become a man of my word.

"Your word is as good as gold!" says the man of God.

;)

-----------

And Chew Yan is coming to my department to work next monday. Praise the Lord.

Last Tuesday when I found out, I was jumping up and down in my heart already. Haha.

When she walks into office next monday, the first thing I'll do is to shout " CHHHHHEEEEEWWW YAANNNNNN"

Really delighted that I have company, especially such a lovely sister like her.

Of past entries

2008-05-08T17:28:00.000-07:00

I was spending some of my time yesterday reading through my past blog entries of my previous blog which I chose to take down.

I must say: I was SOOOO in love with the Word the last time. Haha. The way I wrote my blogs were a little well... overbearing on my friends who would read it. Alot of scriptures! and alot of 'truths'. My goodness. There'll be a few lines of what I wanted to say, and then a scripture, and then more.

I even quoted verses that I totally am unfamiliar now. Haha.

(Oh no, what happened to me now? No verses to quote! Must repent! Ha. just kidding.)

But I could tell I was really in love with His word that time, but when I read it, I realized there were somethings that I believed wrongly, but I sorta had greater understanding.

It's been only 2 years since, but really, I sense alot of change. No. 1: I think 2years of blogging have helped me write better, for one thing. Haha.

And I'm taking life more easily now, I noticed. Where the Spirit of God is, there is liberty! Those whom the Son sets free, are free indeed!

There was an entry that caught my attention, in 25 Aug 2006:

Today on the way to cell group at Bedok, I took the train with Wil and had dinner with him at the Bedok market. Wil brought something to my attention, which though I already knew.

He told me that alot of people don't believe I have the capability to lead a team for any major projects.

Now that, I wasn't too concerned, because I sorta already knew what most people were thinking. And well, I believed that even if I really couldn't lead, I would have to live with it, because that's who I am, and I don't have to prove otherwise to people.

I read it, and smiled.

We forgot one thing:

The God factor.

Sad

2008-05-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

In the day of trouble,
You cover me;

In the secret place of refuge
Lord I will sing.

I feel sad.

At least she has a fellowship to confide in; a fellowship to fall back on.

I don’t.

I didn’t want to say it, but then what? I watch one by one of them walking away.

Have I done wrong?

Sometimes I wonder if I can stand alone.

There’s sometimes no one to turn to.

Yet fellowship is so important if I want to hold this thing together.

I can’t just share my burdens to the people I lead. I’m there to offer my strength, not take it.

Go to God.

Yeah, I always do.

But God made us for fellowship with men as well.

Fellowships of the heart.

I want a fellowship of men. Not boys. Men. I thought to myself as I watched the last Samurai charge in The Last Samurai.

Men who are of good courage; men who fight to the death.

“Show me how he died..”

“No, I will show you how he lived.”

My heart was stirred, almost to tears.

God, I want someone like that in my life.

Someone to show me how to live, O’ Lord.

Without a fellowship, do I then step back from my ministry in school? I can’t sustain myself. I cannot stand alone.

No, then the devil will win. That’s what he wants me to do: turn back and retreat.

I can’t turn my back. But I want to go away for a while.

I think of Sorong in Papua New Guinea, the place where Mel is going. I dream of myself at the edge of a cliff, overlooking a lush green expanse of trees. And in the distance, I see great mountains, where clouds cover the peak.

“Are there tigers or bears in the forest there?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t been there, only once when I was young.”

“If I go into the forest there and get killed then how. Maybe I’ll just leave my valuables with you at your hotel.” But then tigers and bears don’t kill for money. Oh well.

*A smile and a giggle*

“One day I’ll go and find you, and then I’ll go trekking in the forest, and maybe to the mountains far away. Is it expensive to get there?”

“Yeah, the domestic flight is about $400.”

“Okay, then you let me stay at your hotel for free so that I don’t have to pay for accommodation k? Haha.”

“Oh, it’s still under renovation now..”

…

I need to find my heart back.

I don’t think I’ll be able to find it by sitting in front of the computer churning out reports and slides 830am to 530 pm daily.

Is this the kind of life I want?

One week. Fine. Two weeks. Eh.

But 1 year?

One year of TGIF and Monday Blues?

There must be something more.

…

Teach me how to live, O’ Lord
In Your righteousness.

Oh, to Charis, thanks for always being there to listen to me. I think above everyone else, you've heard from me the most.

But I don’t want to always ‘take’ from you in this friendship. I can’t always do that to you and you only.

Not fair la. I want to give too. =)

Bye Mel

2008-05-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

Today's the last day I'm seeing one of my closer friends: Meliana.

Maybe I shall spend a little time talking about this absolutely beautiful lady. =)

If there was a phrase to describe her: Proverbs 31 Lady!

And I don't think I'm stretching it.

For a start, in her time here in Singapore, she takes care of an apartment herself, so she does the cleaning of the house, sweeping the floor la, ironing the clothes, cooking meals, buy groceries and basically everything you need to mantain a house in tip top condition.

And she's so pretty!..

That's a big wow already. Okay, let's see...

She's going back home to manage a part of her dad's business, alone! Power! Haha. I guess I won't share too much in case she doesn't want people to know about this part.

In my words, a "perfect wife"! Ha..

Confirm Proverbs 31! lol.

But of course there's always more than just knowing how to do all these. It's funny how I only realized it today, after writing a letter to her before she left...

She's really beautiful from the soul.

The beauty of a lady begins from the soul, and so it reflects in the physical in turn.

I guess I can take this time to talk a little about what I learnt about the feminine soul recently. Haha.

True beauty is at rest.. Truthfully, there are some women I stay around with that are not at rest. How would you know? Well, I can sense it. Any guy can sense it. You can sense whether a lady is 'at rest' in her heart, or she is striving.

And heart at rest invites the guy to be secure as well. Beside a true lady, a guy will never feel insecure, but he will be invited to be who he is.

That's one thing about Mel that I sensed, but never really articulated till last night while writing my letter.

You can be who you are with her.

There are really some women that cause me to be restless in my heart. I don't know why, but from its supposed to be, a heart at strive causes this restlessness. Her restlessness causes the guy to be insecure, uncertain and unable to play his part.

But Mel isn't like that. I AM myself with her.

She's not a complicated lady. Simple. When I share my heart with her, I don't have to worry about, erm.. will she go and gossip? Will she think of me differently and stuff? That's one of the reasons I'm not afraid to be myself.

She's not a lady given to idle chatter. My heart is safe with her.

And it was only today that I got this in my car: If guys were men, would girls be ladies?

And surprisingly, I was reading this article on the newspaper about Singaporean women finding men not eligible and stuff.

And I've been pondering this problem for a long time: Why do the men not rise up in church?

Then my answer: Would you fight as a lady?

There is power in fighting as a lady, and I was writing to Mel in one of the letters:" Queen Esther of the Bible caused the king to want to give up half his kingdom for her. One day you'll cause a king to give up half his kingdom for your favour!"

Amen. She will.

Queen Esther was a woman who fought like a lady. And a powerful one she is.

But I'm sad to say, many women today fight like men. Strive is the word to put it. I cannot pinpoint any certain behaviors to it, but I think you yourself would be able to tell the difference. A girl who fights like a guy: Controlling, Aggressive, Manipulative.

And then when you want to play the guy, would it be any surprise any guy doesn't rise up? You're already doing his job. Then you're saying he doesn't do anything as the man? Simple, you already played the man.

Girls who fight like guys are not attractive, simply because they hinder guys from becoming real men. That's why guys say " I don't feel I can play the man in the r'ship." Then the girls say it coz guys just plain don't grow up.

Well both are right. It's a chicken and egg thing. Unless the guys rise up to be ready to fight for the girl, the girls cannot be vulnerable and play their part. But while the ladies continue striving and playing the part of the man, the guys cannot rise up.

Real beauty allows herself to be vulnerable, and it invites men to play the part of the man. It arouses him to " Yes, M'lady, I will fight the dragon for you. You wait for me."

Ha... Funny la, but it goes back to your heart.

You know it's true. Why do you think some fairy tales last the ages?

Mel's like that. She may not become a cell group leader, or a super evangelist, but she's a lady through and through.

And I'm not advocating that women should be weak or that they should not work. Nope. Queen Esther was one courageous and tough lady. It took alot of strength of character to do what she did.

But she fought like a woman.

And if you think that's weak, consider this: It would have taken hundreds of thousands of warriors or fighters to win even 1/2 of the Persian kingdom!

Blood shed. Deaths.

But it took only 1 lady to achieve the same.

If you think femininity is weak, think again!

Mel, I really think someday you'll do just that. Take 1/2 of someone's kingdom. Haha.

For those who don't know the Bible, think Arwen from the Lord of the Rings.

A warrior princess, but a princess nonetheless.

I'm really going to miss Mel. There's nothing romantic about our friendship, but truth of the matter, true beauty is attractive to any guy's soul.

Ladies: You are the image of the beauty and mercy of our Lord.

You're the crown of all creation. The pinnacle. The finishing touch. God saved the best for the last. ;)

Next to the beauty of the Lord, there's nothing else in creation that compares to your beauty. That's why guys like you so much. lol.

Find your heart back in God. Allow God to heal that part of you that was lost because men in your life didn't fight for you. Let God be your lover.

Well guys, if you are considering her, you can drop it. She's taken. HAHA.

Bye Mel, I'm going to miss you =)

Sigh.

The Question of the Heart

2008-04-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

This is my 2nd blog in succession, but really I don't that much time to blog anyway.

There's this thing that was been popping up in my mind, because one thing was that it really spoke to me through a book " Journey of Desire" and it seems like I've been dealing with this issue around in my life alot; maybe because the book started opening my eyes.

Let me start with this: A conversation with a friend..

My friend said that when you make a decision, the best gauge is to think about which decision leads you to greater godliness.

I was like.. Huh?

What do you mean by greater godliness? Even as a Christian, I totally had no idea what he was talking about.

For example if you were choosing between two jobs, and one was intensive, working late hours and the other was more slack, but it meant that you had more time for prayer and reading the Bible, you should take the latter.

Oh I see, but I totally disagreed with that he said. He's my friend la, I love him, but he's just off. That's totally unscriptural.

And that's what I want to talk about: Principles.

As humans, it's a very natural thing for us to try to rely on principles. The Godliness principle states that you have to pick the job that leads you to greater godliness.

It's natural. We like to think in principles. Look at all the frameworks consultants have come up with. All the diagrams and stuff that philosphers have done.

And it extends to the Christian faith as well. Besides this Godliness principle, there's probably unsaid things like the "Serving God" principle: when an authority asks you to do certain things ( even when you're overloaded), the serving god principle states that you are a good servant if you accept it, because you have submissive and obedient. BUT when you apply the Sabbath day principle: You realize that because of all these, you don't have a day of rest at all.

So then now what?

Principles are great, but more often than not, they reflect the fear of uncertainty of the human heart. We, in our fallen state, are attempting to try to figure life out by ourselves and to put it under OUR control.

Frameworks, Principles; we use things we can see to try to put our lives under our own control.

How do you gauge if you're doing well in God. Oh, use the attendance principle( btw all these are unspoken, but yet it's pretty obvious some people live by them): Are you attending cell group and service?

But then my question to them is: By which principle did Abraham use when he brought his son up to Mt Moriah to be sacrificed? The 10 commandments weren't even out then. The godliness principle maybe? Maybe he decided that he would be more godly if he were to kill his only son.

By which principle did Jesus decided that He was to be crucified?

By which principle did the disciples live by when they started speaking in other tongues?

But the Bible says: The just shall live by faith.
(Hab 2:4,Romans 1:17)
To Abraham: His faith was accounted to him as righteousness. (Also in Bible, but i forgot book chapter and verse)

God said in the Bible, that He has put His law in our hearts. That we have a new spirit and a new heart.

Why then has man gone back to principles, laws and commandments after 2000 years, like the Pharisees used to be?

It's safe.

It's certainty.

You don't need faith when you think all you have to do is A-Z for God to be pleased with you.

Your life is back under your control.

And why don't we dare to live from our hearts? Live by faith?

It's scarey.

It's dark in there.

You don't know what your heart's desire will bring out.

It's like a sleeping dragon in there.

You HAVE to live by faith.

Your life stops being under your control when you decide to give up your stable job and start a business on your own. Or when you decide that you will love another person wholeheartedly. There's a chance to be hurt now. You're vulnerable when you live from your heart.

Look back into your heart. Ask yourself What do you want?

You'll notice it's alot. Too much for you to handle sometimes. But God never expected us to quell our desires, but to re-direct them.

The Bible says to guard our hearts. Not kill it.

But what often is the first thing that religion does to us? It tries to kill the heart. It's just too much to bear. So we're unconsciously we're taught to kill our own desires so that we can be 'godly'. We just want to be 'faithful servants' who do as we're told. We give up our dreams and desires because they make us wild, sometimes seemingly disobedient to the 800 commandments and principles that have been set up on top of God's 10.

But Jesus never asked us to quell that desire. Look at the way he treated the sinners. The tax collectors, the prostitutes, the Samaritian woman who had 5 husbands before.

He knew they, in their hearts, they were looking for God. They were searching for a life that only God could give, a life of intimacy, of hope, of abundance. But they were doing it without God, which was why their desires were directed into the wrong places. They tried to find life in all the wrong places, in the wrong people.

Jesus knew that: that was why he said to the Samaritian woman:(roughly, no time to check bible)" If you knew the water I could give you, you will drink and never be thirsty again." Jesus knew that she was searching, searching for the life only God could give, and she found them in the wrong places, which led her to her present state.

That is our problem sometimes, we try to make a life for ourselves apart from God, and we see that often we just screw ourselves up.

But these people never knew God. That was why Jesus was so compassionate on them, He knew what they were looking for, and He knew He had it.

Our desires are holy. They are good. They just need to be re-focused and re-directed. Live from the heart. It is either our greatest enemy or greatest ally.

Conversely: Why did you think Jesus was so pissed with the Pharisees? They tried to kill the heart. They tried to put God in a box. They added hundreds and hundreds of commandments to gauge their holiness, to gauge people's holiness.

While the sinners never put their heart away, the Pharisees already planned to live their life apart from God. And what's more, they tried to kill the hearts of the people as well.

So friend, are you a Pharisee yourself?

Do you REALLY live by faith? or by principles? or by wisdom?

Do you follow Jesus' principles? Or do you follow Jesus?

Romans 8:14
For as many are led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God.

That same friend asked me what this verse meant in the same bus ride. Only then did I realize why we had such a debate. Ha..

Simple. It means what it means.

If you don't know the Spirit of God. You won't understand this verse.

Then I realized one thing: He didn't really know God for himself, that's why he lived by principles.

Know God for yourself.

Jesus didn't come to give us 800 more princples or commandments. He came to give us LIFE more abundantly, in this time, and the time that is to come. =)

Of not-so-nice grades and internships

2008-04-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

I got back two of my grades last night: Ethics, which I got an A- and SME consulting which was a B+. Honestly, I was a little disappointed at the SME consulting grade.

I did alot of work for the project and all the liaising with my client. But the grading system is such that the project group gets a common grade and then the test is the determining factor. Maybe I didn't do so well for the test.

I had expected an A- at least for it, but well.

Then I ask, why is it that you're disappointed? Does it matter really whether its a B+ or A-? The most important thing is that you've enjoyed the course and learnt about consulting.

You don't intend to work anyway so like your grades don't really matter actually. Then why so sian?
Maybe it's cos that B+ represents what the world thinks of your ability. " I think you're a B+ in your consulting skills." That statement seems to be in that innocent looking B+ on my SMUVista.

Oh well. I'm stronger than that. A grading system will not determine my ability or where I'm going in the future. I'll just forget it ever happened.

------

Working life is not easy.

Not because the work is tough, but I guess for me, because the work will turn out to be routine after a while. The department I work in is Business Advisory Services, which is kinda like consulting, and mostly HR consulting. So the jobs of the associates is to consult, recommend, conduct workshops, churn out reports and do up powerpoint slides. Pretty much sounds like what I've been doing for my UOB-SMU Project and SME consulting Project.

I'm thinking: Yeah, everything's cool and all, I'm happy here, the colleagues are great. They're all young people only slightly older than me so there is no generational gap. It's my 3rd day and I've having fun exploring the place, getting into the 'culture' of things. And yes, each day was significant because it was meeting new people, and going new eating places (lol).

But what after 1 year? I was thinking. Would I remember my 42th day at work as much as my 3rd day?

I don't know man. Maybe I haven't got into the flow of work, so nothing's really challenging me yet.

But would I give 7 am - 7 pm (including travel time), of everyday to a job like that? I imagine that same desk everyday, same things to eat everyday.

And the thing about it is that, i feel it dulls our senses. It de-sensitizes our hearts. And it's not noticeable because it happens bit by bit, bit by bit.

What do you want?

That's a good question to ask yourself, if you want to know if your heart is still in there. Ha...

Oh well, for the first 3 days I've just been asking the colleagues how the department functions and all. I think it's a good model to use for a business. =)

First 2 days of Internship.

2008-04-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it's my first taste of corporate culture in the first 2 days of my time at Ernst and Young.

Actually the colleagues are really nice la. Fengyi told me that it's like a bubble: not very real kinda corporate culture.

First 2 days I got treated twice already. They're so generous I'm thinking if all corporate people are like that or just them. Haha.

Job's been alright.

3 church people work there as well. Haha. One of them just approached me cos she only just found out that I'm from the same church. I even told her how we met: we were kinda 'fighting' for seats during xmas. Heh.

Small world.

Daryl's bro Brian is there too. Really nice guy to talk to. I'll always remember him as the guy who decided that Pastor Kong's answer was wrong ( for SOT 2006) and then went on to pick the wrong answer. Hahaha. Oh man.

Anyway alot of things have been happening over these 2 days, but I suspect it's God's will that all these is happening.

I want to blog more, but time for QT=).

Interesting Conversations

2008-04-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged in almost a week.

My comp crashed on last Friday morning, and I sent it for repairs. Praise God it happened one day after my exams, and also that I learnt that I could live my life without having to stare at my computer for hours everyday! So far the time I spend in front of a computer a day is about say.. 15 mins? ( excluding blogging this post in my bro's computer). Thank God for that. I realized how much more there is to life than just staring in front of the computer all day.

More time with God. More time for reading. More time for exercise. More time just to chill.

-------

I spent Monday and Tuesday at SAFRA Changi, a beautiful chalet at the end of East Coast. It was for a Uni-Y Retreat and it was a time of sharing lives, reconcilation, spiritual warfare, and time with God.

A glimpse of Paradise.

Sometimes we can get lost in this urban jungle, full of things to do, full of emails to reply but how often can you wake up without an agenda for the day?

On the first night of the retreat, I just went to the beach with a friend, and we just had a time of sharing our lives. Our views on things, our life stories.

The crashing of the waves under the moonlit sky.

Slowing down our hearts.

Just sitting there and waiting for nothing.

The brushing of the sea breeze against my cheek.

Can you hear the sound of heaven...

We spoke for about 2 hours before deciding we were too tired and then we went back to the chalet with the rest of the guys.

The next day, I went to the beach again, this time alone.

I went to the rocks, the more jagged rocks that were just by the sea. The waters crashed on the rocks with each wave. I stepped on each rock with caution as I tried to get closer to the waters.

I observe small little crabs crawling from under the rocks. The waves splash on them, but they held firmly on the rocks.

I stood as close as possible to the waters without letting the waves get to my feet.

Waiting.

Just listening to every wave that hit the rocks.

God, are you here?

....

Just listening.

In case God decides to speak.

....

I turn around wanting to head back.

I fell down on the rocks, my hands tried to break the fall, but they slipped and I struggled to get my balance under those slippery rocks. My wallet fell out of my hands.

I finally got my balance. I looked around. Well. There wasn't anyone around. Oh well.

I got to my feet, observed my hands. Scratches. I sprained my right wrist.

My legs. My right knee was bleeding.

I cautiously stepped back to the sand area.

I had no intention of going back to wash myself. I'm staying here.

You're a man.

I felt God's affirmation.

I smiled.

I walked onto the sandy part..and I see a stretch of sand I could walk alongside the sea.

I start praying...

Well, what an experience. =) Honestly Singapore sea is not something that is much to be admired, but surely a taste of heaven to come. I totally enjoyed my experience there.

Sometimes we live in such a consumer driven society that everyone wishes to be entertained by something at every moment: The chalet facilities prove it: Movie rental, HBO, Star Movies, Bowling, Swimming Pool, Arcade, Pool table, KTV, Gym, Wireless internet, jackpot machine.

But to me, the greatest joy comes in the simplest things. Going back to nature. The remnants of the beauty that Elohim God once placed on Earth, that speaks of the Paradise lost.. that speaks of Eden...

One day we will see it.

Our longing, our hope does not disappoint.

-------

I was speaking to a friend about the kind of struggles I was facing as the head of the ministry in school.

It's spiritual warfare.

It's a battle.

"Sometimes the thought of suicide flashes through my mind. Sometimes the thought of giving up just comes suddenly. I even had the thought of not having the vision sharing meeting yesterday."

" Really?"

Now this was a girl who was filled with the joy of the Lord. She's this girl that is passionately in love with Jesus. And her joy is immensely contagious. I totally loved just being around her. The joy of the Lord was almost literally radiating through her.

"Yeah, you can come to the spiritual battlefront. You'll know what I'm talking about. Look your friend is going through the same thing. It seems like the devil is really not very happy with us."

"Huh, are you sure or not? Very scarey leh."

"Yeah. There was a time when I was like you. Had a lot of time just for God, loved God so passionately and all I wanted to do was to talk about and to Him. Listened to alot of sermons, read alot about books about Him. I spent over a year just reading about Him, praying to Him, listening to sermons, just attending service and cell group, getting good results in school..."

"Oh no, that means next time I'll be like this? Oh no, I must prepare myself."

"Don't worry, there is a time and season for everything. God is now preparing you and training you in the same way he prepared me before you are sent out. "

At that moment I felt like some war veteran telling a recruit about the horrors of war. Ha. But no la, seriously I am really nothing compared to the many people who have built the church of Jesus Christ upon their own blood. Those are the real veterans.

To my dear friend, the joy of the Lord is your strength! And It will be your strength on that day. =)

C.S Lewis once said: We are in enemy occupied territory.

Yea, while many portray the birth of Christ as the silent night, yet they do not see the spiritual meaning behind it, written in Revelations 12. The birth of Christ is the spiritual D-day. The great invasion.

We're fighting a war and the enemy is the Devil.

Be of good courage. God is with you.

Retreat is not an option.

While we may enter into a time of wilderness filled with the Holy Spirit, a time of spiritual warfare, a time where our identity is tested, our loyalty is tested, our faith is tested, but I always will remember one thing...

We return in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Screw you devil. You suck.

I finished reading...

2008-04-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

no. Not my notes.

I finished Wild At Heart again in 2 days. Haha. Now that's a record. I haven't done that in a long time ( Finish a book in such a short time).

I really recommend this book to people. It's really good because doesn't give you a list of A-Zs on how to be a good Christian kinda thing ( i.e Build up people, don't tear down, Pray 1 hour a day, be disciplined that kinda stuff), but rather it explains everything from the soul of the man, the wounds, the result of seperation from God.

It's like a complete picture of the man and his fall, and His God, and how He completes the picture on everything that's going through.

eg. When someone habitually puts down people close to him, the principle-based approach would be "We build each other up because we love the people around us, so you should be careful about what you say.".

But the book showed the wounds that led a person to be where he is today. There is a root cause in all our brokenesses, sin and all the wrong things.

The Enemy has attacked at the precise spot. It has crippled many men and women to stop them from becoming who they were destined to become. The wound that caused all of us to behave in ways less than ideal.

Yet, the way to deal with all these is not to offer principles. Yes, principles are important; they give us guidelines to live our lives, but principles will not bring a person the healing he needs and into the destiny he has been called. God will.

The book explains the wound, and where it has hurt us guys that caused us to lose our masculine hearts, and why our Heavenly Father is the only one that can heal and the only one we can truly draw from to become who He called us to be.

Really? Why are people so mean? Why do people hurt people? Is because they want to? No, its not. Nobody grows up wanting to be like that. Nobody grows up wanting to be the bastard, wanting to hurt people close to them...

It's because of the Wound.
It's because of self-perservation.
It's because we're afraid of uncertainty.
We want control over our lives.

God is our solution. Our ONLY solution.

He heals the wound.
Self-preservation becomes a Matthew 6:33
Certainty in God allows us to live with uncertainty.
God becomes in control in our lives.

Do people hurt you because they want to? Really?
I think its worth asking again and again.

Forgive them.

Without God, people will hurt and continue to hurt those close to them.

For where does sin begin? Apart from the presence of God.

Anyway here's another excerpt from the book ( MUST READ!): This one is about women. Haha
----------------------------------
The world kills a woman;s heart when it tells her to be tough, efficient, and independent. Sadly, Christianity has missed her heart as well. Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yourself this question: What is a Christian woman? Again, don't listen to what is said, look at what you find there. There is no doubt about it. You'd have to admit a Christian woman is ... tired. All we've offered the feminine soul is pressure to "be a good servant." No one is fighting for her heart; there is no grand adventure to be swept up in ; and every woman doubts very much she has any beauty to unveil.

Which would you rather be said of you: "Harry? Sure I know him. He's a real sweet guy." Or, "Yes, I know about Harry. He's a dangerous man... in a reall good way." Ladies, how about you? Which man would you rather have as your mate? ( Some women, hurt by masculinity gone bad, might argue for the 'safe' man... and then wonder why, years later, there is no passion in their marriage, why he is distant and cold.) And as for your own femininity, which would you rather have said of you - that you are a 'tireless worker,' or that you are a "captivating woman"? I rest my case.

What if? What if those deep desires in our hearts are telling us the truth, revealing to us the life we were meant to live? God gave us eyes that we might see; he gave us ears that we might hear; he gaves us wills that we might choose, and he gave us hearts that we might live.

- Wild at Heart, John Eldredge
-----

I hate exams.

2008-04-13T21:09:00.001-07:00

Period.

It's always this time that I feel the most purposeless. It's like everyday you're just living to study and making sure you get your facts right. Wake up, study. Sleep. Wake up, study.

I always ask myself. How much of this am I taking it with me for my life ahead? Probably 5%? or less? Okay maybe I'm taking Entrepreneurship and Business Creation.. its a little more.

But goodness.. why does everyone study so hard during exam time. Life is still going on leh. And life will still go on. How about spending time to exercise, to chill, to spend time with friends, and all that important things that we do?

I almost want to give up studying already. I don't mind learning, but studying is really a challenge for me. Argh. No motivation at all.

Anyway I was reading Wild at Heart in the morning again...
And I finished The Way of the Wild Heart ( 2nd Book) over the weekend.

Yes. In the exam period. Haha. I think there are some things more important than exams even though they're not urgent. As the book goes, I'm looking for my heart.

Here's an excerpt from Wild at Heart:
-----------------------
The way a man's life unfolds nowadays tends to drive his heart into remote regions of the soul. Endless hours at a computer screen, ...

Society at large can't make up its mind about men. Having spent the last thirty years redefining masulinity into something more sensitive, safe, manageable and, well, feminine, it now berates men for not being men...

"Where are the real men?" is the regular fare for talk shows and new books. You asked them to be women, I want to say.

And then alas, there is the church. Christianity, as it currently exists, has done some terrible things to men. When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe tha God put them on the earth to be a good boy. The problem with men, we are told, is that they don't know how to keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children. But, if they will try real hard they can reach the lofty summit of becoming...

a nice guy. That's what we hold up as models of Christian maturity: Really Nice Guys. We don't smoke, drink, or swear, that's what makes us men. Now let me ask my male readers: In all your boyhood dreams growing up, did you ever dream of coming a Nice Guy? (Ladies, was the Prince of your dreams dashing... or merely nice?)

Really now - do I overstate my case? Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yoursef this question: what is a Christian man? Don't listen to what is said, look at what you find there. There is no doubt about it. You'd have to admit a Christian man is ... bored. At a recent church retreat I was talking with a guy in his fifties, listening really, about his own journey as a man. "I've pretty much tried for the last 20 years to be a good man as the church defines it." Intrigued, I asked him to say what he thought that was. He paused for a long moment. "Dutiful," he said. " And seperated from his heart." A perfect description, I thought. Sadly right on the mark.

As Robert Bly laments in Iron John," some woman want a passive man if they want a man at all," the church wants a tamed man - they are called priests, the unviversity wants a domesticaed man - they are called tenure-track people; the corporations wants a ... santized, hairless, shallow man." It all comes together as a sort of westward expansion against the masculine soul. And thus the heart of a man is driven into the high country...Women know this, and lament that they have no access to their man's heart. Men know it, too, but are often unable to explain why their heart is missing. They know their heart is on the run, but they often do not know where to pick up the trail. The church wags its head and wonders why it can't get more men to sign up for its programs. The answer is simply this: We have not invited a man to know and live from his deep heart.

- Wild at Heart, John Eldredge
------------------------------------------

Wow. Anyway it's an amazing book; and in fact one of the best books I've read so far. I think every guy should really pick up the book and learn to see his heart. I loved the Way of the Wild Heart more though, it was his second book, but more precise on the stages of the masculine journey.

And I think I'm beginning to understand why is it that it's so hard for guys to 'rise up' in church. Haha.

I'm been asking alot of that to people around me, and trying to figure it out, but I think this book has provided a huge clue as to why... =)

Okay, I'm going to try to get someone out in the afternoon. NOT going to study.
Bleah.

An encounter

2008-04-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling really crappy again today. It’s already been 3 days like that.
The feeling of rejection. Again.

The feeling that you just aren’t wanted.

Isolation.

So I just started spending time with God, worshipping and just talking to God and crying out to Him.

In all the pain, I just thank God for his comfort.

And I’m only beginning to understand how Jesus must have felt when his closest friends, his family rejected Him.

The feeling just sucks. For me, I don’t talk much to my family, and that’s why I tend to lean on my friend’s acceptance more. And when I don’t find that, I just feel really down.

But God is always there. His presence is always more than enough for me.

Then I realized Jesus even had God’s presence taken from Him at that moment on the cross.

I can’t even begin to imagine that. Without God, without friend, without family, humiliated, shamed but no one to stand with him.

God, I feel lonely. I can’t be a friend to them and a leader at the same time, can I?

God, I don’t have many people to share with; they’re so busy they have their own things to do.

…

I wasn’t really asking God, just pouring my heart out and just crying in His presence.

------------------

Then 45 mins into my QT, he showed me a closed vision.
A vision of gangsters fighting, and his guy taking an knife slash on behalf of his fellow gangster.

A mom, though feeling disgusted that the baby shit in the diapers, still helped him clean up.

The verse ‘scrolled’ through my mind immediately : John 15:13 (Yes, including the Book,chapter and verse) Greater love has no one than this, to lay down your life for your friends. “

Hmmm.. cannot be.. so zhun meh? Sure its John 15:13? Or is it just me imagining?
I pick up my Bible, and took a look.

Oh my. It is that verse. ( I know many might think I memorized it in my head.. Haha but no, I don’t have this verse in memory.=P, all the more revelational)

I knew it was God.

God was trying to show me something.

God, what does it mean?

Laying down my live for my friends? I know I can lay down my life for You, but for my friends?

If I lay down my life for my friends, won’t I be moving away from your calling?

“Greater love has no one than this.”

Greater love… hmm.. God is love… so …

“Perfect fellowship comes when you give your life totally to your friends.”

Uh huh.

“You feel lonely don’t you.”

Oh… yes..

“If you give of yourself fully to your friends, won’t you have fellowship?”

Uh huh! Yes I will, God!

“Jesus came not for His ministry, He came for His people. Your calling is for people, not for any ministry. Don’t forget that.”

God, I understand now. What can I do?

…

Okay, I shall end here. Haha. He showed me some people that I’m supposed to sow into, and I’ll just keep it in my heart. I think not very nice to write here. =P

Giving myself fully to my friends.

Sometimes we can get so caught with getting that job, getting into that calling for God, that we forget, it’s really just about people. We’re growing in ministry for the sake of people.

Sow.

Interesting Personality Article

2008-04-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

I was feeling really down today...

and God led me to an interesting Word document talking about personality types hidden somewhere in the depths of my laptop.

I am mostly the:

The Melancholy
Martin Melancholy is the richest of all the temperaments-an analytical, self-sacrificing, gifted, perfectionist type with a very sensitive emotional nature. No one gets more enjoyment from the fine arts than the Melancholy. By nature he is prone to be an introvert, but since his feelings predominate, he is given to a variety of moods. Sometimes they will lift him to heights of ecstasy that cause him to act more extroverted. How ever, at other times he will be gloomy and depressed, and during these periods he becomes with-drawn and can be quite antagonistic. This tendency toward black moods has earned him the reputation of being the “dark temperament.”
Martin is a very faithful friend, but unlike the Sanguine, he does not make friends easily. He seldom pushes himself forward to meet people, but rather lets them come to him. He is perhaps the most dependable of all the temperaments, for his perfectionist tendencies do not permit him to be a shirker or let others down when they are counting on him. His natural reticence to put himself forward is not an indication that he doesn’t enjoy people. Like the rest of us, he not only likes others but has a strong desire to be loved by them. Disappointing experiences, however, make him reluctant to take people at face value; he is prone to be suspicious when others seek him out or shower him with attention.
His exceptional analytical ability causes him to diagnose accurately the obstacles and dangers of any project he has a part in planning. This is in sharp contrast to the Choleric, who rarely anticipates problems or difficulties, but is confident he can cope with whatever crises may arise. Such a characteristic often finds the Melancholy reticent to initiate some new project, or he may conflict with those who wish to do so. Whenever a person looks at obstacles instead of resources or goals, he will easily become discouraged before he starts. If one confronts a Melancholy about his pessimistic state, he will usually retort, “I am not being negative! I’m just being realistic.” In other words, his usual thinking process makes him realistically pessimistic. Occasionally, in one of his exemplary moods of emotional ecstasy or inspiration, he may produce some great work of art, but such accomplishments are often followed by periods of intense depression. Some of the world’s greatest geniuses have been notorious for their long bouts of melancholia. And some have even committed suicide. Martin Melancholy usually finds his greatest meaning in life through personal sacrifice. He seems to enjoy making himself suffer, and will often choose a difficult life vocation involving sacrifice. But once it is chosen, he is prone to be exceptionally thorough and persistent in his pursuit of it, and he will accomplish great good if his natural tendency to gripe throughout the sacrificial process doesn’t get him so depressed that he gives up on it altogether. No temperament has so much natural potential when energized by the Holy Spirit.
The creativity and innate strengths of the Melancholy are as pronounced as his weaknesses. For example, the admirable qualities of perfectionism and conscientiousness are of ten interwoven with the spirit of negativism, pessimism, and criticism. Anyone who has worked with a gifted Melancholy very long can anticipate that his first reaction to anything will be negative. Melancholies in our college and church organizations instinctively respond “Impossible!” “It won’t work!” “It can’t be done!” “We’ve tried that once and failed!” “The people will never go for it!” That final generalization is particularly aggravating, for the reference usually applies only to the Melancholy who is raising the objection! The most damaging influence upon a person’s mind, in my opinion, is criticism; thus the Melancholy has to fight that spirit constantly. He suffers from negative thoughts, but then he compounds the problem by verbalizing them, which not only reinforces the spirit of negation but devastates his wife, children, and friends. He is endlessly examining his spiritual life and coming up short-in his own mind-despite the fact that he is most likely to be more devoted than others. As one Melancholy fretted, “I’ve confessed all the sins I can remember, but I know there must be others that I just can’t recall.” This kept him from enjoying any confidence with God.
Melancholy Strengths and Weaknesses
The gifted Melancholy temperament, whether male or female, is the broadest and richest of all temperaments but reflects the most weaknesses. No temperament offers more potential but falls far below expectations due to negative mood swings and lack of self confidence.

Strengths Weaknesses
Gilled Moody
Analytical Deeply emotional
Perfectionist Easily offended
Self-disciplined Pessimistic
Industrious Negative
Self-sacrificing Critical and picky
Aesthetic Theoretical and impractical
Creative Suspicious and revengeful
Sensitive Self-centered
Loyal and faithful Indecisive

These “low-assertive/high-responsive” people must be motivated externally-by God, others, or projects. It is difficult for them to remain idle, for when they are not motivated by others they turn introspective and begin to psychoanalyze themselves, thereby destroying their self-confidence. Many of the most outstanding servants of God have been Melancholies who were filled with the Spirit. All the prophets were Melancholy, as were Moses and several of the faithful apostles and disciples of our Lord. The Melancholy can fulfill his potential only through the Spirit-filled life (Ephesians 5.17-21), which causes him to become a thankful praiser instead of a gloomy griper!
-------

Well I think I don't go to the extreme for the negative things he talks about the Melancholy.

But I sometimes just don't understand my mood swings. I remind myself of the prophets. I remember Pastor was talking about the ministry of the Prophet in the Bible, and I really could relate to its weaknesses, and show some of the strengths in the area.

Visionary. Prophetic.

but at the same time:

Just plain weird. Emotional, sensitive and get this weird mood swings. Like some mornings I can just wake up feeling like crap..and I don't even know why.

But like I mentioned, all these weaknesses made me lean on God more, which I is a good thing. =) At least I can relate to some men of God in the Bible. Haha.

Anyway the article also talked about Choleric, which i could identify with, the achievement oriented temperament, but I guess its my secondary personality. Still mostly the melancholy.

My parents just bought my sis...

2008-04-03T00:10:00.001-07:00

a $9000 harp!

Goodness. The last they bought a present even 1% of that price for me was like....

...

Never mind. Ha..

But before I let the feelings of envy or jealousy take me... I just want to say I have a Father who gives better ;)

Seriously it's not easy to parent 4 kids. It'll never be fair. There will be some that will get better treatment than others. But God is fair, amen ;)

Of scars and past hurts.

2008-03-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

I just spent the majority of my evening talking to a friend in my Uni-Y Exco. We started off talking about our families, talked about God, about life, about school. She's a rather talkative person so we really could go for like 3 hours.

She's a non-believer but I really felt God used her to speak to me alot about family. She kept encouraging me to talk to my parents cos I was sharing what happened since young that caused us to have a communication breakdown. She's a really happy-go-lucky kinda girl that will tell me the most interesting things. Haha.

It was talking to her about my family that I really saw God's grace over my life.
Maybe before I talk about God's grace, lemme share abit about the bad things that happened in the past ( I remembered it when I was sharing with my friend). Somethings that hurt me so badly that till today I remembered it.

1. In primary 5-6, my parents asked me to write a list of things good about myself and bad about myself. I wrote 4 each. They scolded me for writing so many good things about myself and so little bad things. I was very angry then, so me and my brother; we wrote a whole long list of bad things about ourselves. I remember I wrote with tears flowing down my cheeks, things like:
I'm stupider than a pig. I'm the worse something something. I'm worse than shit.
Plus many more.

It's like I forgot it soon after, but I didn't realize the damage it did to me when I actually 'confessed' those things on paper.

Well my parents read it, and just told me off somemore than its not what they're looking for. But they want me to specify areas I can work on ( okay I can't remember the exact details, but it's something like that)

2. Primary 6 PSLE. I got 236. Got scolded all the way from school to home. At home, my dad asked me kneel at the study and repent and why I got so lousy results.

3. Primary 6 Xmas. I asked my parents for a Xmas present. They say cannot, because my PSLE results too lousy.

4. Sec 2. I walk home with my report book. Got 2nd in class. My mom shouts from the Tv, "count yourself lucky!" ( She told me to get 1st in class, what she means with the count yourself lucky was that it's not what she wanted, but was not bad enough to warrant a scolding).

It's only when I realized what kind of damage that has been done to my self-esteem that I can proclaim that I really stand by God's grace. What all these had done to me was to make me a self-conscious, unconfident, intimidated individual who never dared speak. Who always saw myself as a 'B' class guy. The guy that everyone just overlooked.

I couldn't joke alot. Couldn't laugh at myself alot. Because I was just simply insecure. People tot im just a very serious person. I'm not. Just emotionally shutdown.

Sounds like a scene from I not Stupid. Haha. But it's my life story.

( I learnt the following from Wild at Heart) Because I never really knew whether I was valued, I looked for the answers from girls I liked. I would just 'like' a certain girl ( now I know its not like), then she sorta becomes my source of validation, comfort and so on. It was really unhealthy, but I guess it's a natural result of someone never getting that knowing from young that "You are valued."

Screwed up life.

Till God came into the picture. Everyday more and more, I'm beginning to be able accept His love. Because of my past, it took me alot of come to the revelation of God's love, and His blessing. That He really loves me and wants to give me alot of blessings. It was easy to accept suffering for Jesus, but not easy to accept His love.

But I'm beginning to see it now. Slowly and slowly. As all these things from the past start coming up again, and I bring it to God for healing.

I begin to see how much Jesus loves me. God showing His love through the cross. I am beginning to see how much value we are to God, because He chose to send His son in our place. That no matter whoever can put us down, but our greatest value is our value to God.

Sometimes it's really hard to conceive God's love for me. Honestly I never received much of it in my life. Then comes a God who tells me He loves me, I really find it hard to comprehend. I never really experienced it before, so never understood it.

You ask me, I'm really only beginning to understand love. Slowly, bit by bit. Along the way, people whom I thought loved me disappointed me. They wanted something from me.

When I tear in the presence of God, I get happy on the inside: I know my heart is softening up in His presence. I know I'm beginning to accept all that He has for me.

But today, I stand in front of the YMCA staff as well as the president of YMCA, and speak about the vision of Uni-Y. I sit in front of my friends in my prayer meeting and lead them into the presence of God. I counsel and help some of my friends with their walk with God. I stand in front of an audience and speak with a stillness in my heart. No fear.

Because God is with me. =)

Truly, I say, I stand here by Your grace.

The Bible isn't a book of dos and don'ts. It's a story about a God who wants to love and be loved by His people.

Sometimes at nights I can sense this loneliness. The rejections of particular people. Thoughts of just giving up. I can get slightly depressed ( and tonight's one of them) for little reason.

I never knew why. But now I know. It's the scars of the past. The unresolved hurts of the past.

I sometimes think I'm just this screwed up person trying to do God's work. I'm just not good enough. I can't do it.

And I think about it.

Yeah it's true.

I stand here not by my own strength, but by His grace.

I can't do it. He can.

In all my scars, hurts, weaknesses, I find myself extra dependent on that time with God. I simply can't do without God. You want to take me out? Simple. Just cut away my prayer time. That'll be enough to make me depressed.

Yet, the more I think about it, ...

I remember:2 Cor 12:7-9
And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

The thorn in the flesh. My scars.

God's power. My heavy dependence on prayer.

Maybe God will remove it, maybe not. I don't know, but from what I know, I know I can trust Him. =)

Do I forgive my parents? Of course I do. I don't hate them. I know they're imperfect people as well. But the hurts are there. The scars are there.

I look to the future. I look at Uni-Y as it could be. I can only say: God I can't do it on my own. God, I give you Uni-Y, do to it as You will.

Easter

2008-03-21T23:44:00.000-07:00

I think it's really one thing to tear in the presence of God, but to almost burst out crying is another thing. haha I had to control myself when I saw the scene in the drama every year.. Jesus getting whipped as he was brought to the place where he was crucified.

Thank God. I felt like all the things I had been feeling for the past week have cumilated in a service. On shame, unforgiveness, past hurts and where did Jesus come in, in all these things. I thought the drama was amazing in bringing that relevance of Jesus' crucifixion to our modern day hurts and pains.

I really felt ministered to. I thank God.

I remember how the story ended with the guy created iVision. Now instead of looking at the past with iMing, we see our potential with iVision, with visions and dreams. And in fact, that was what I just prayed a few days before!

"God, help me forget all that I have to forget, and give me a vision of the future, a picture of what is to come, that I would not let my mind dwell on past memories."

Wow. Haha. And then the drama came up with the iMing and iVision.

And btw, the drama team is really moving from glory to glory. I thought the plots are getting more excellent every year.

Always, today in Easter I'll remember all the emotional rejection, verbal, physical abuse that Jesus took on our behalf. That we may have an abundant life.

Sometimes we will never understand what Jesus has really done, until we really put ourselves in his position. His closest friends, his family, his followers, people whom he gave his heart to. Imagine that, people whom you might trust with almost your life,

ran away in your greatest moment of need. I can imagine how painful that really was.
I wonder how he took it man...

Amazing love. =)

Hebrews 12:1-2
Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Because of what what he took to forgive us, is there really anything too hard for us to forgive =)?

I have..

2008-03-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

finished my Bible once through! Haha.

Man, I remember the last time my cell leader asked everyone in general who haven't finish their Bible, think at the beginning of this year. Haha I raised my hand, then she give me the 'face'. It's actually cos of Bible school that I had to re-read the New Testament again when I was almost at the Prophets...

Anyway I just finished Zechariah and Malachi last night. And I found a verse that speaks again underpaying and mistreating employees at sweatshops. We were discussing them in Ethics class. lol.

Malachi 3:5a
And I will come near you for judgment;
I will be a swift witness
Against sorcerers,
Against adulterers,
Against perjurers,
Against those who exploit wage earners and widows and orphans...

I love the message that Pastor Phil preached on Sunday, and especially the part about emerging in the power of the Spirit after a trial. I've been through some stuff recently, and last night I really felt like there was a new measure of anointing upon my life as I prayed..

Returning in the power of the Spirit.

Anyway I can't say much about it now, maybe years down the road, but I thank God for Him. Just being there. Thank God for the people who can listen and understand. I can't imagine life without either. =)

Psalms 23

2008-03-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He makes me walk in paths of righteousness,
for His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil.

For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil,
my cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
----

Psalms 91:1
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High;
shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

Battlestations!

2008-03-11T19:42:00.001-07:00

My new ship!

Cost me an arm and a leg.

Another day begins.

No matter how I feel, God is still good. =)

The smell of heaven

2008-03-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rainy day, and I don't know, there are times when the smell of the moist air invokes a sense of nostalgia. A sense of peace, a sense of heaven. Just that one moment gave me that extra boost of joy needed to finish the day.

Just reminds me the promised home in heaven. One day where we can finally rest. One day when the battle is over. =)

Just met up with my Bible school friends yesterday. Yet another taste of the heaven to come. I love the fellowship of these people. =)

We had a really interesting catch up session.

Willy told us about his trip to China to perform in the choir for the Olympics. There was no audtion and the choir team from the church is definitely perform for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Wow!

Sheryl shared with us about her challenges at work, and really, working in the church's affliated organizations is really good training. It's amazing for her how she managed all the kind of work she's handling now. =)

Daniel's getting married at the end of year.

Kelyvnna's an advisor to a major Indonesian group now. Promotion. After SOT. Haha.

and Jac! Haha. Jac had the most interesting story to share about her encounter with Jim Rogers. For those who are less financial savvy like me, Jim Rogers is like this super famous investor, on the level of George Soros that type ( Xinhong you should know hor. Haha)

She was in an event where Jim Rogers was there, and there were like 400 people at the dinner, alot of them trying to get their namecards into his hands kinda thing. But then somehow, Jim Rogers came to her table, and because Jacqueline was doing interpretation for the hearing impaired that was present.

So Jim Rogers starting talking to the hearing impaired person through Jac who was interpreting. So the girl shared her story about how she was impaired since 10 years old...

And then after that Jim Rogers turned to Jacqueline and asked her:" So young lady, how do you manage to speak and sign at the same time?"

And he took his own photo from his pocket and signed it and pass it to her! And took a photo with her! After that, Elim Chew's PA even approached Jac and ask her if she wanted to be Jim Roger's PA. Wow!

It reminds me of the story of David. When Samuel the prophet came to find the appointed king for Jerusalem. The Mom and Dad bascially brought out all the strong, fit, eligible brothers to Samuel to anoint, to choose. But David was somewhere far away, in the fields tending to the sheep.

But guess what, in the end Samuel rejected all the supposely eligible brothers, and found David, a songwriter, a shepherd and appointed him as king!

For Jac, she's like a servant quietly sitting in the corner doing signing for the hearing impaired, and guess what, she got the attention of the 'prophet'.

Proverbs 22:29
Have you seen a man who excels in his work, he will stand before kings...

Faithfulness. Sometimes all we have to do is to stay faithful in the little things and love our God.

While everyone was fighting for his attention, wanting to be special, but God chose to let the faithful person in the corner be noticed and open that door for her for promotion. Wow.

Faithfulness. Servanthood.

Is the key to promotion. To authority. To destiny.

Let's never fight on the same level as the world. Love God, love people. That's all we have to do to find success in every area of our life. =)

Security

2008-03-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

Just came back from cell group. Praise the Lord, i think my guitar playing is getting better now. Pace is good, no screw ups today, okay la, maybe one, but no one noticed.. just played the wrong key during free worship, but I rectified immediately..

Anyway we're going to fight for the bid for the clubhouse. At least appeal and try another time. I strongly believe in my heart that we have a strong enough team to make it a superb clubhouse.

----

Recently, I've been pondering about the issue of security. Not about national security or about that terrorist running around Singapore, but about the security of a person. Does he feel secure in who he is? Or is he unsure.

I think there's really much to talk about in regards to security, because out of it flows alot of our behavior. Alot of things people do can be attributed to security, and also, the lack of it.

Let's start with the source of security, and I'll write till I feel like sleeping, and catch on another time I feel like writing about it. Haha..

God is our source of security. Because He is the one that has everything under His control. He has foresight, foreknowledge and He knows what will happen. He is the beginning and the end.

And in that knowledge, all we need to know is that this same God that created the universe loves us so much He sent his Son to die for us. And if He is for us, who can be against us?

This is the security that we find in God. When the Pharisees challenged Jesus, He answered and effectively said,"You don't tell me who I am, I know who I am, because my Father tells me." When the devil challenged Jesus, as to whether He was really the Son of God, he did not react by proving himself ( in the case, to turn stones into bread)

And in fact, that's what alot of people use to hide their insecurity. They try to prove a point. They try to use good grades to prove themselves. They use possessions to prove themselves. They want the world to know that,"Hey, I'm worth something, look at the things I have, look at the grades I got.".

And while there's nothing wrong with good grades and good possessions, many use it as a tool to prove themselves. That they're of value.

But how does a person who is truly secure react? The same way Jesus reacted. Don't prove yourself. If you truly know who you are, and what God made you to be, that's all you need to know. And there's nothing you need to show people.

To people it might matter if your GPA is 3.9 or 3.2, to them it is a reflection of your 'value'. But to God, it doesn't matter. No matter your grades, your value to Him remains the same. What matters to Him more is that you tried your best.

And the hard thing is about living it out. Not letting the opinions of man affect your motivations.

And the truth is that many driven people, are really driven by this insecurity. They're afraid that other than their grades or their possessions, they really have nothing to show the world. That's why they fight extremely hard for it. So when you see an especially hardworking person who really just doesn't have balance, it could really be due to insecurity in his life.

He feels he needs to prove something. That fear of one day standing before many people, and realizing you have nothing to show.

But thank God, it is in Him that we find our value, our security, our identity. Only your creator would know what you're made for. And we stay assured in that knowledge, that hey, we don't have to fight so hard in life to prove that we're something.

Instead, we first know who we are, then we go and do our best for what we've been made to do.

And insecurity does not just cause an individual to be extremely driven, but it brings something really ugly to the table: self-preservation.

---

Self preservation is rooted in fear. That fear that if you don't fight for yourself, no one else will. That ideology of the survival of the fittest. But things really do get ugly when people start playing self-preservation.

Your friends get so 'focused' on their work that they don't stop and help another who's slower, or help someone who's in need.

People get 'polished' to learn what it takes to ace an interview, learning the minors and forgetting the majors. Learning about the 'right' things to say in an interview and throwing aside the more important things like attitude and character.

Graduates fighting for the highest paying jobs, giving up the jobs that they love; because they somehow believe that taking a pay from the marketing or HR might not guarantee them the good life they want for themselves.

People raising up hands in the classroom purely to get their participation marks( for their As) and end up saying something irrelevant or totally out of point.

Friends checking their grades with one another and one secretly thinking that they're doing fine when they find out their peers didn't do as well.

All these things done in self-preservation are really rooted in fear. Fear that there will not be enough to live on, fear that people will look down on them.

But God wants to take that fear away from us. He wants to have faith in His provision. To know in our hearts, not just in our heads that hey, He's got everything covered. All we have to do is obey Him, trust Him. It's that simple.

Have faith in the perfect love of God. For the Bible says perfect love casts out fear. If we are assured fully of God's perfect love for us, there's nothing we need to be afraid of. When we know in our hearts that God is on our side, we can stand strong on the truth, to walk a different road from the crowd.

To be continued ( If I feel like it. Haha.)

2008-03-05T20:10:00.000-08:00

I've been really busy with Uni-Y stuff for the past few weeks, with the clubhouse.

We didn't get through to the second round. =/
I think everyone felt slightly discouraged, especially when we brought so much expertise to the table.

Personally I feel that the judges were too concerned with a variety of menu and the management: details which I thought coud be settled through a few meetings.

But I felt they neglected the fact that we had expertise on food and F&B business, and people who are very concerned about customer service; and not so concerned about the bottom line.

But it's alright. It's nothing personal, it's just business. Heh.

I believe the business world is bigger than the SMU Clubhouse. It got lots of energy to be directed to other ventures as well, and especially so the Citibank-YMCA Youth for Causes, which will sponsor $10k for a sustainable social enterprise.

I'm listening to a sermon by Pastor Phil now... "BUT GOD!"

No matter what, we must never neglect the But-God factor in the things that we do.

The Pharisees wanted to kill off Jesus for one final time, BUT GOD...

Haman wanted to kill off the Israelites and Queen Esther, BUT GOD...

Daniel was thrown into the Lion's den by corrupt officials in the Babylonian Empire, BUT GOD...

Saul wanted to kill off David who was going to take his kingship, BUT GOD...

The world will stop us from having a presence in SMU, BUT GOD...

We may not be able to take the clubhouse, BUT GOD... will have better doors for us to enter!

No matter how the circumstances seem against us, against God's work, we must never forget the "BUT GOD" factor in our lives. When we come to our end, there God begins to move His hand. Where we stop, God starts.

In our weakness, God's power is made perfect! =)

A Saturday's Message: Fear

2008-02-23T05:36:00.000-08:00

Today Pastor Ulf Ekman came to my church again, and he preached an amazing.. no, stupendous message ( I realized I use amazing, superb too much. Need to increase my vocabulary.) on fear.

Yeah, usually we talk about faith in church, but pastor decided to talk about fear and how we can face it head on. And really, it's not your traditional way of facing your fear.

He talked about where the fear was rooted in, and how we could fight it by destroying the roots that lead to fear.

Let me put a few insights from the sermon here, hopefully they flow. Ha..

All of us have a tendency to want to control our lives in an attempt to feel secure, but the thing is life is not like that, there's always something that will jump up, something that you cannot control.

We cannot escape circumstances and we will conquer them in Jesus, and in reality, there is a devil, and his main weapon of attack is fear. Most people live in fear on a daily basis.

Must clarify here. When we say we live by fear on a daily basis, it doesn't mean we're afraid at every instance, but rather, the actions that we do are driven by a deep seated fear.

A girlfriend calling every night to make sure her boyfriend is 'fine'. But in reality, she wants to check on him if he's up to anything else. The phone call could have been motivated by love, where she just wants to know if he had an okay day, but its really not about the action, but about the motivation.

But what really spoke to me was the part about where fear was rooted.

It is when we are selfish that fear can enter our hearts. We're afraid we don't have enough, we're afraid that we may not reach the status 'God has given to us' in our life, we're afraid that our future won't be bright enough. We're afraid that we cannot have enough in our lives to be happy.

We use these things as excuses to give less than we should to others, our money, our time, our effort.

All these things about me, myself and I, bring fear in our hearts. But it is when we don't look to ourselves, but look to God, look to meeting the needs of others that faith arises in our hearts. Faith that all the things we need will be added to us( Matt 6:33).

Amazing insights, let me just finish with one more which I think is great:

God's grace is unmerited.

It is the problem of us, because we have this deep seated need to be praised, to be exalted, that it somehow make out God's grace to be one that needs to be earned. And that's religion. And we really have a hard time accepting true grace, that its really not about what you have done, but what Jesus had done on the cross.

In our hearts, we only need to know that, we're accepted in the beloved. =)

Taking a breather

2008-02-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

Finally busy's stuff over for now. Been having meetings at night for Tue and Wed that I didn't manage to catch my dinner and a lunch, at least a proper one.

Spent the morning just chilling out. Playing with my ship on Battlestations.
I'm at level 57! Haha.

And here's my weaponry. 3 Giga Drills =) Haha..

(Seriously I don't think anyone will know what I'm talking about except for Charis and Mich, and Gershon, if he visits my blog. Haha)

But really, I think I need more balance in my life. Must remember always never to take up so many things, because in the end I'll do everything half-past six also.

Now I have to go Emart today to buy my mobilisation stuff. Sian. Totally hate army stuff.

2008-02-19T08:54:00.000-08:00

Been busy. So no blog. Will speak fast and short.

Things happening.
1. Uni-y marketing campaign on the way
2. Learnt about the ten values any organization or body should have. Powerful. Will use it for Uni-Y.

3. Midterms x 1 coming, Ethics one passed already.
4. Should learn never to pick up so many things to do ever again. Should do a few and do them well. Faithful in little = given much.

Lala. Busy.

Sunday's Message

2008-02-10T18:24:00.000-08:00

It was a superb message on Sunday.

Pastor talked about the role of husband and wife in marriage, but more so the husband.

As men, we must be the visionary, the spiritual leader and the figurehead in the home. What was more interesting was the story on Genesis 38.

More interesting than Channel 8 soap operas. Haha.

The failure of men to play their roles in women's lives be it father, husband, brother, it causes women to start fighting for what is rightfully theirs.

They become scheming, manipulative, cunning in order to obtain what is theirs. And guess what, God holds the man responsible when this happens to a girl, or a lady.

In the same way God held Adam responsible for what happened in the Garden of Eden, he's holding the men responsible for what happens to the sisters, daughters, wives placed into our lives.

It reminded me of what I read in Wild at Heart. It said that when men fail to rise up to their position of leadership, women in order to protect themselves, build a fortress around themselves.

They become hardened on the inside, aggressive, wanting to play the masculine role. In short, they lose their feminitiy when men don't play their part in their lives.

And I dunno, I think its probably true. When I see a girl that's feminine, it usually comes to me that the girl had been well sheltered, well protected in her youth. And contrary to what I was thinking before, that they were just being spoilt, this femininity actually brings out their beauty.

Of course, I don't want to risk going to the extreme saying its a virtue to be spoilt. Nonetheless, if the men would play their roles in a girl's lives of being the visionary, the spiritual leader and figurehead and their lives, it's where the girl is able to blossom in her soul as a woman.

There's beauty in that vulnerability in a woman.

On the other hand, (I'm going to start a debate, especially in the current culture), when we see a girl acting the masculine role in a relationship, or find herself unable to play the feminine role, it's due to a failure of the men in her lives.

So men. Must rise up. Don't let your sisters have to play self-preservation. To have to play the guy. (There are situations where they should be playing the role of the leader, but it should never be the case where they have to.)

Another revelation: Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

I suddenly remembered how no matter how bad we have been, God still loves us. And as pastor mentioned, we are to our wives, as Christ to us where He first loved us, therefore we love Him.

I am reminded how many times we have broken God's heart, and how no matter how many times our wives hurt us, we must be the man. And let love of God cover the sin(Proverbs 10:12). In the same way God forgives us 7x7, so must be to our wives. In the same way Jesus died for us, so must we be ready to lay down our lives for our wives.

I imagine that kind of love God has for us. Ha... now when we bring it down to that perspective. I suddenly get it. God's love is really amazing.

I imagine where we must find that love, not the human love, but the love of God. We really need to rise up in this area.

Week 4

2008-02-03T05:47:00.000-08:00

in school has just passed and CNY is coming. Praise the Lord! =) Always look forward to this time for the year, for very practical reasons. Haha.

Daniel today sent me an sms as encouragement regarding taking up leadership in Uni-Y:
I know its not ez and you're paying the price for it.

I thought.. I never really thought that it was a sacrifice. True, I'm going to miss exchange even though I'm covered. I'm going to stop doing my website periodically the see things happening, but I felt,

Nothing means more than knowing that you're in the will of God, and that God is with you all the way. With that, nothing cannot be sacrificed for Him. As Moses said, if Your presence does not go with us, then I will not go.

There is a joy being in God's will, fulfilling the call which He has called you to.

Praise the Lord.

This week, someone managed to do something to me which very little people have managed to do: get me pissed.

it's my Entrepreneurship and Biz Creation prof.

It's the ideas pitching session and we were supposed to present 7 ideas to him.

And he conveniently shot down all 7 of them. And I think he's secretly proud of it.

He uses arguments like "there's uncertain demand.. I don't think it'll work"

"Hmmmmmm... I don't think I'll use it ( baby planning)" DOHHHHHH.

"It's so expensive...But if your dad owns the building and you don't have to pay the rent, then its a good business idea." Seriously. I'm not kidding.

The one that really pissed me off was when we were talking about the baby planning.
He asked Claire, now if you have question with a baby problem what would you do?

"Ask my mum"

" THERE. MOVE ON! Next idea."

That's like saying ( before the plane was invented)," how do you get to KL from singapore. Oh I take the bus." "THERE, SEE the idea of the plane is totally unfeasible!"

God.

This guy is like some weirdo stuck in an ivory tower in some wilderness ( another way of saying academic field. Haha) and coming out into civilization and telling people how to live their lives.

I'm totally okay if he shoots down 7 ideas with good basis. But he doesn't.

He uses his feelings to gauge. He uses the fact whether he himself will use it to gauge a business idea. Goodness.

Roar!

Well, he succeeded in pissing me off.

Another interesting discovery about myself. I was doing consulting for project for Welson, who was the boss of Express Print, and he was sharing his experiences on how he did business and stuff like that. And I was really burning on the inside.

It's like I felt in my heart," This is it. This is you."
I think its kinda that feeling when Jesus opened the Old Testament and slowly realized that the Scriptures was talking about Him, through that prompting by the Holy Spirit.

Same with me.

I think I'm called to be an entrepreneur. Life is just so exciting as an entrepreneur. Haha the fun is really in the making of the money, not the spending.

No wonder I have a detest for ivory tower professors who impose their ideas about business on us.

Sunday

2008-01-28T00:10:00.000-08:00

Had a superb service.

Dr Bernard just has a way of putting across terms in an articulate, sophisticated way.

God sees us not as we are, but what we can be. We can be the junkiest of the junk, but God never sees us as that, but what we can become in Him.

Amazing.

Jack Neo came up to share his testimony and about his movie on stage!

He said that when he was making Ah Long Pte Ltd, he felt that there was something missing in the movie, but he couldn't figure out what. Then he prayed to God and asked God for direction, and " I believe God spoke to me, and gave me a prompting and I found what was missing" Wow. This from the mouth of Jack Neo. Haha.

"And as for what God spoke to me about the movie, go and watch it and I believe God will speak to you too!"

That was funny. Haha.

And Pastor said that Liu Geng Hong is giving Jay Chou Bible study and he's getting more on fire for God each day! Wow. =) Praise the Lord. I think the public declaration of his faith will be the most impactful throughout Asia in time!

I told God," God, I want to be part of all these, I don't want to left behind.."

Memories of time past

2008-01-26T11:55:00.000-08:00

It's like 4 am in the morning and I got attacked my mosquitoes on my bed, so I laid on my bed fighting the itches and trying to get back to sleep. Church at 730 am ( I have to leave house then) tmr! But as I tried to get back to sleep, all these memories started coming back..

Specifically of my time in OCS.

Suddenly I was thinking about my time in my bunk in OCS. In service term 1. It was a sad time then. I felt like someone who had their freedom given to them and then taken away again. Context: I was in OCS Tri-Service which lasted 1 month before I went to Paya Lebar Air Base for Pilot Selection for 2 months. During that time I had more freedom; could come out more often and stay out, and Australia was really a blast. Haha. Then suddenly I was back in the OCS bunk again.

Can imagine how depressing it can be. But I rem it was a very aimless time for me. I didn't know God then. I didn't know what I was there for. Sure I had that potential to do it; I knew I had, but I didn't see the point. All I wanted was freedom.

And then I had my back injury, which caused me to had to do regular visits to the physiotherapist.

*Flash forward a few months*

I'm doing guard duty now, but it's not the regular guard duty. I was supposed to stand at the edge of a training area to make sure no one got in. Supposed to stay from morning till late at night. Alone.

There was going to be no one within 1 km of me. Only trees and mosquitoes and what not.

It was still okay in the day, spent it fighting mosquitoes, but when night fell..

All I saw was a gravel road and forest all in front of me. Hp batt was running low. Needed company.

There was a shed by the side of the gate for me to site down, but it was small. Only enough to fit a chair and a little more. But I didn't want to sit inside. It would obstruct my vision.

So I sat in the middle of the gravel road, with the gate just behind me. Forest. Darkness.

I'm glad I didn't allow fear to get to me that night. And well, glad I didn't see anything. Ha..

I was raped by mosquitoes though. Had like at least 40 bites on my back by them. They could go through the uniform. Super mosquitoes.

Well, I was so glad when I saw the Rover come and pick me up for the night, at about 11pm like that. Home at last. Or camp. Haha.

*Flash*
I sit in the office with Amin, the admin clerk and LTA Spencer. I remember the Staff Sgt's face as well. Not a very nice guy. But LTA Spencer and Amin were really nice people and they were my company after I out of coursed from OCS.

They're not really very kind to people who genuinely had problems because alot of times there are people who 'chao keng'. I remember my PC wasn't very happy with me. He thinks I'm not pushing myself hard enough.

But it's a back problem, and even the physio told me not to carry weights. I think the physio got a littled peeved when he heard my PC still asked me to do stuff. Ha..

But anyway I Out of Coursed eventually and spent the remaining of my OCS days before I left for a unit with the Echo HQ people, Amin, LTA Spencer and Major Lam. Major Lam was another really nice uncle. Haha.

Anyway I only keep in contact with LTA Spencer now, once a year. On our birthdays..

Oh then LTA Adrian who's one of the company's officers: Think he just graduated from SMU last sem, or maybe going to this sem. See him once in a while but he doesn't recognize me..

*fast forward*
So I'm on a van now. Travelling to my new unit from OCS.

And I end up in Keat Hong Camp as a signaller. Really run down, and all the things were falling apart. It was a new to me. It was about 10 months in schools where all the training took place, now I was in an operational unit...

which the men practically did nothing but eat and sleep! Ha..

Anyway that's another story for another day.

But to think back on those days. I was just ... there. No aim. Just there. Lived day by day. All I was looking for was the time I could go back, and spend time outside in civilization.

But thank God for a purpose now. For zoe life, a life beyond the natural. A life filled with visions and dreams and hope for the future. Because God answers the question of where we come from, we also know where we're headed, our destiny.

Updates.

2008-01-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

Haven't update my blog for a long time.

Being doing fine =)

New move of God in my life. Thank God for Sunday Service. Presence of God was so strong I was trembling. Amazing.

Spent 1 hour for quiet time with God last night. Haven't done that in a while. Usually it's just 20 mins. And it's amazing since it's on Monday night ( I have two lessons on Monday and 2 on Tuesday), so I'm supposed to be busy.

Anyway this period will be a little busier because im trying to establish Uni-Y as a proper club, with proper membership, with proper progression up the structure, but at the same time, staying personal, and building that culture within the club.

We've had a few meetings so far, and I see that we're really going to have a great 1 year together. A year of change.

This week will be more relaxed for me; less meetings and all. =) But still have to come back school everyday despite having a two day week. Well, I'm not complaining. I think being in school keeps me in a working state; staying at home has this 'slacking' effect.

Well it's week 3 of school, going strong, needing to catch up though. I like my mods this sem: SME consulting and Ethics. Quite fun..Ha..

Crazy Day

2008-01-13T23:49:00.000-08:00

I had a crazy 2 days. Haha.

LOreal Brandstorm with Gershon and Charis yesterday from 3pm till 11pm and then today we rushed to school at 815 am to prepare our presentation at 930am.

This has got to be the biggest stunt we have done. The night before we haven't even got our slides joined together and we didn't even rehearse a single time before we went for the presentation.

I was telling Gershon this is so like a case challenge.

Anyway we got whacked very badly by the professor cos our presentation had no backing. I think what the prof said, though fierce, was true la. I think even through this we also learnt quite a little from this time.

Cool. Now got prayer meeting to lead, and sermon to prepare. Haha.

Busy busy

2008-01-10T03:31:00.000-08:00

Now everything seems to be piling on me like nobody's business!

Today I received, conservatively; 30 emails in my inbox, of which only 20% is email blasters from the school.

Tmr I have a meeting with the UOB-SMU client,

and I have to play the guitar for cell group meeting tmr, of which I'm horrible at it so i need LOTS of practice.

Then my ministry, bookstore just asked me to compile finances by the weekend ( I'm the treasurer for the team) and then ask me to rise up to be come a small group leader. So must attend more meetings! zzz. I think I talk to my team leader about it. Ha.. not too eager.

Then L'Oreal Brandstorm gotta prepare survey + prepare for presentation next Monday. Goodness. So fast.

Plus all the Uni-Y stuff, emails, planning and all.

And its only the 1st week of school!

Wow.

I was telling a friend, I feel useful. Haha. I always like to quote John Calvin ->

We're not made to be useless blocks of wood.

Anyway, somehow I managed to find the time to go register my driving at BBDC today. No class la, and during the trip I was reading this book Wild at Heart.

It's a superb book! I recommend all guys ( and girls ) to read it.

God made us Spirit, Soul and Body. And while most Christian books touch on the spirit, this one touches on the soul. It talks about how men are really created to be wild at heart. That there's something inside us that yearns to be more...

The Bible says we're made to be in God's image. And one thing the Lord is, is that He is a warrior ( Exodus 15:3). Although we see the gentle, graceful and merciful side of Jesus in the New Testament, we must never forget how He treats His enemies.

While most potrayals of Jesus are those of Mother Theresa like, we must not forget how he walked into the temple and overturned the tables of the traders, and how he 'picked fights' with the Pharisees. And how in the Old Testament, God sent armies, pestilence, plagues upon his enemies.

I think its no mistake, our God is a fierce, passionate warrior

And so are we men. The book says, that every man, in his heart of hearts, is looking for
1.a adventure to live for,
2.a battle to fight,
3.and a beauty to be swept off her feet.

I read it with a sparkle in my eyes. Haha. Now that's true.

No wonder all those war movies with potraying a courageous man willing to die for a cause ( Braveheart, 300, Kingdom of Heaven, Saving Private Ryan) always appealed to me, and I would hopefully think, to guys in general.

Then it goes on to talk about how society has really stifled this side of the man through its many 'don'ts', and through the pressure for him to be a 'nice' guy. I think there's a very interesting part, which really set me thinking: Is that question that alot men fear to know the real answer: Am I really a man?

And alot of over-achieving people are often motivated by this fear. This fear that they just might not be enough, and they might be 'exposed' that they are not real men after all.

Wow. It's an amazing book. I'm at Chapter 4 only, but this is really good. It hits the spot, really.

And it also talks about the three desires of a woman's soul, which are....

*end of post. To find out more, please stay tuned! =P*

Post No.100!

2008-01-07T22:42:00.000-08:00

Here at post 100 already.

Today's the third day of school, and the last day for the week! Muhahaha.
Yeah I did a two day week this semester, with 4 mods. I think I got really interesting mods like Ethics ( which my prof looks like Richard Branson, the CEO of Virgin Airlines) and Experiences in SME consulting, where my prof is the owner of one of the top SME consulting firms in Singapore.

So far so good; everything's going fine and thank God for complete healing. I'm feeling perfect today =). Well, everything's going back on track for 2008.

Exciting things to come:
1. Doing L'Oreal Brandstorm with Gershon and Charis. Always my honour to be in the company of church leaders. Heh..

2. Doing LKCSP Internal Case Challenge, but dunno with who. I still trying to find people, and asking Mr Vincent Ha to do with me but he doesn't seem very eager. I heard Gershon is judging this event. Haha.. so funny.

3. Doing the Citibank Case Challenge with Daryl, Xinhong and one more girl. Also my honour to do with them. I treasure the experience more than anything else la. To be stuck with zai people for one night and drawing whatever I can from them is just superb.

4. Webbie. Tianyi just showed me the amt of $$ he made from adsense just this week. I was like ...MOTIVATION (more than my monthly allowance la!). I told him to print screen that page and send to me as a jpg file. Now I leave it on my laptop. A reminder to not stop building no matter how slow I am.

5.Uni-Y. I just had a talk with Albert, the general secretary of YMCA, with Charlene and Daniel yesterday over dinner. I think we got more resources in our hands to do something big with Uni-Y than we think. He's even got the handphone of Eunice Olsen. Think might try asking her to come SMU to give talk. Heh. And then Steven Chia, maybe Elim Chew. See how la. Seems really fun, and really we've got lots of things to do for Uni-Y. Exciting exciting.

Anyway I'm really excited about things to come. Exciting year ahead. Now I just need to build that spiritual capacity to handle it. To prayer! Haha. The SMU-CHC fellowship is getting stronger; this week alone I saw them dunno how many times already. And it's only Wednesday.

God is really doing a new thing in SMU; and in my heart too. I need to rise up to the occasion to handle all these things coming my way. I think it's good I packed everything in two days. It's tiring but I feel like a useful person once again (after one month of 1/2 rotting at home).

Glory to God =)

SICS Camp

2008-01-04T22:55:00.000-08:00

Just came back from SICS Camp. It was a 2 day 1 night retreat with the people from the Special Interest Community Service Clubs from SMU. They brought the presidents of these clubs and financial secretaries together, both to brief us on the financial procedures and also to share our club vision + how SICS can help us in our daily running of our clubs.

We went to this Siloso Beach Resort. Goodness! Now I know where the school money goes to. And the dinner today was like... Confirm at least $1000 total one.

And I have such a hard time trying to get $600 for my transport for my Freshmen Orientation Camp which WAS in August 2007.

Nonetheless, it was a fruitful time. Meeting the presidents of other clubs has really opened up alot of avenues for collaborations. And we did have an interesting 4.5 hour 1st SICS AGM. I thank God for that kinda authority and influence He has given me through all these years. I think I was the one who spoke the most during the meeting, my opinions and all, that i think everyone noticed me like nobody's business. Haha.. (In fact I thought I talked too much). But no la, I had serious stuff to say.

But really most of all, I appreciated the time of fellowship I had with Xiaohui.

Xiaohui's from my church too, she's a freshmen from School of Law, and she only just joined the Exco for Uni-Y. =)

I think we really had a good heart-to-heart, spirit-to-spirit talk and shared our grievances, struggles and problems we face in the theraupetic beaches of Sentosa.( It's amazing at night.. Haha)

Interesting thing is that she had this feeling she'll be talking to me about it at the beach the day before, and ME too, this thought of talking to her regarding it came the night before! It was even in my mind: the words I was going to ask her with!

When we realized that, we knew it was God who wanted both of us to minister to one another! Amazing. Haha. Another thing: It was the same issue we were dealing with.Goodness!

Honestly I really haven't had such a talk with anyone for a long long time. But it's a great feeling, to know that there are people around whom you can be totally open with without fear of betrayal or misunderstanding or bewilderment( that includes you too, Estelle. Haha). Now as I take a step of faith to open up to people, I remember this: God not only created us for worship, but also for fellowship. We're meant to share our lives, our hopes, dreams, desires, struggles, pains with one another.

Xiaohui, you're reading this as I type. Ha.(still in camp meeting) But I must say you're a really mature girl. I think your spirituality is amazing considering your age, and your time in church. Jia you and continue growing in Him! You're terrific!

(Here's her blog:Xiaohui)

The pain is temporary, but God's way always the best. That many years we can look back together and thank God that we chose the path that was pleasing to Him. One day we'll look back, our destiny in God fulfilled, and thank God He guided us through this day.

Meanwhile, our destiny awaits. =)

1st Post of 2008

2008-01-03T06:04:00.001-08:00

Well, 2008's here!

And I'm back too! Amidst the hurts and the pain, I sense that God is restoring me once again, to the visions I had earlier in the year, the focus that I used to have. Through this I've really learnt some stuff about myself too.. especially the about the wall i've built around myself.

Anyway thank God that He's a God of restoration; and a God of new beginnings. I see a new beginning in my heart even as the year begins, and another level with Him. Totally unexpected; the polar opposite of what I was planning, I must say... but God's way is always better.=)

I was just reading Maximised Manhood by the late Edwin Louis Cole.

Amazing book.

I think one word describes my feelings reading it: Conviction.

The book talks about how wimpy the men of our time have become, shirking responsiblity that's meant to be theirs and not leading in the family and in the church.

The broken family is often the result of the absentee and the irresponsible father who refuses to 'rise' up at home and lets his wife do what is rightfully his job.

We're responsible for what goes on in the family, what goes on in the church. We're responsible for developing our character, godliness, discipline, love for people. That's manhood for you.

Manhood is not measured by physical size, or by how loud you can shout, or how physically strong you are. It's measured by character, by spirit..

Develop capacity to handle responsiblity, because that's what God requires of you eventually. You are reponsible for everything that goes on in the household. Everything.

Ow. It took me only till chapter 3 for me to put down the book and repent before God and ask Him the grace to live it out. I realized how far off I am from the mark.

It's one of those truths that are really hard to swallow. God is holding you responsible. Don't be like Adam who pushed the blame to Eve with the "She made me do it."

God held Adam responsible.

And for me, there was this fear of picking up the book for more truths that were hard to swallow, coupled with that hunger of wanting to know more about what it takes...

Well, the hunger won out. I finished the book within 30 hours of buying it. Haha.

Anyway, it's an amazing book. Teaches you to be a real man. Read it.

As the saying goes: Male by birth, man by choice!

The ladies should read it too. Haha know what God expects of your future boyfriend or husband for that matter. Really, broken families are most often the result of the head of the household not being the man God called him to be.

Well, anyway I'm glad I'm still nowhere near that kind of responsiblity. At least I still have time to work on these areas but I mess anything else up.

I'm done with the book so it's free for borrowing. =) Priority goes to guys. Haha..

1 hour till 2008

2007-12-31T06:58:00.000-08:00

It's 1 hour till 2008. Time to set new year resolutions and set them in stone.

My dad called me for dinner just now, quite a few times before I actually went down and ate with the whole family. I think we never sit at the same table for months? Maybe a year already. It's just our habit. We eat when dinner is on the table; we don't wait.

So I was late in going for the dinner just now; then after the dinner, my dad asked me: " Is it because you want to pray before you eat? That's why you don't want to eat with us?"

I was erm.. surprised. my prayer before I eat is just a "Thank you God for the food. Amen." I probably close my eyes for 2 seconds and its done. Haha.

But seriously, I think my dad's more religious than me. Haha.

Christianity is not defined by the way things are done, or what things are done. It's not a set of 'things-to-do'. Christianity is a relationship with God. Simple as that. Well, if that's hard to grasp; it's just like having a proper relationship with your Dad.

You relate to him like how you would to your father; respectfully, reverence, obedience and the like. You do what he asks you to, you don't do the things that displease him. That's being a good son. And that's exactly how we be good Christians. Good children of God.

Not complicated. Really, God is not interested in religion. There's no such thing as a way of doing things being 'holier' than the other.

The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. It always boils down to our heart, our intentions, our love in the end.

11.11 pm. 49 mins to 2008.

Back to my new year resolutions.

I was feeling really lonely just now. Ha.. alone at home on 31 Dec 2007 when everyone else is out there partying and having a good time.

I could almost start to feel sorry myself, until I spent my last 1 hour with God. Nothing beats the presence of God around you; the anointing of God on you; the weight of glory in your spirit; the peace of God in your heart.

I remember a year back in the earlier days, there's just this unexplainable joy in my heart. Just feel happy; no need perfect circumstances, God's presence brings that peace, joy in the Holy Spirit. =)

Praise the Lord!