Of scars and past hurts.

I just spent the majority of my evening talking to a friend in my Uni-Y Exco. We started off talking about our families, talked about God, about life, about school. She's a rather talkative person so we really could go for like 3 hours.

She's a non-believer but I really felt God used her to speak to me alot about family. She kept encouraging me to talk to my parents cos I was sharing what happened since young that caused us to have a communication breakdown. She's a really happy-go-lucky kinda girl that will tell me the most interesting things. Haha.

It was talking to her about my family that I really saw God's grace over my life.
Maybe before I talk about God's grace, lemme share abit about the bad things that happened in the past ( I remembered it when I was sharing with my friend). Somethings that hurt me so badly that till today I remembered it.

1. In primary 5-6, my parents asked me to write a list of things good about myself and bad about myself. I wrote 4 each. They scolded me for writing so many good things about myself and so little bad things. I was very angry then, so me and my brother; we wrote a whole long list of bad things about ourselves. I remember I wrote with tears flowing down my cheeks, things like:
I'm stupider than a pig. I'm the worse something something. I'm worse than shit.
Plus many more.

It's like I forgot it soon after, but I didn't realize the damage it did to me when I actually 'confessed' those things on paper.

Well my parents read it, and just told me off somemore than its not what they're looking for. But they want me to specify areas I can work on ( okay I can't remember the exact details, but it's something like that)

2. Primary 6 PSLE. I got 236. Got scolded all the way from school to home. At home, my dad asked me kneel at the study and repent and why I got so lousy results.

3. Primary 6 Xmas. I asked my parents for a Xmas present. They say cannot, because my PSLE results too lousy.

4. Sec 2. I walk home with my report book. Got 2nd in class. My mom shouts from the Tv, "count yourself lucky!" ( She told me to get 1st in class, what she means with the count yourself lucky was that it's not what she wanted, but was not bad enough to warrant a scolding).

It's only when I realized what kind of damage that has been done to my self-esteem that I can proclaim that I really stand by God's grace. What all these had done to me was to make me a self-conscious, unconfident, intimidated individual who never dared speak. Who always saw myself as a 'B' class guy. The guy that everyone just overlooked.

I couldn't joke alot. Couldn't laugh at myself alot. Because I was just simply insecure. People tot im just a very serious person. I'm not. Just emotionally shutdown.

Sounds like a scene from I not Stupid. Haha. But it's my life story.

( I learnt the following from Wild at Heart) Because I never really knew whether I was valued, I looked for the answers from girls I liked. I would just 'like' a certain girl ( now I know its not like), then she sorta becomes my source of validation, comfort and so on. It was really unhealthy, but I guess it's a natural result of someone never getting that knowing from young that "You are valued."

Screwed up life.

Till God came into the picture. Everyday more and more, I'm beginning to be able accept His love. Because of my past, it took me alot of come to the revelation of God's love, and His blessing. That He really loves me and wants to give me alot of blessings. It was easy to accept suffering for Jesus, but not easy to accept His love.

But I'm beginning to see it now. Slowly and slowly. As all these things from the past start coming up again, and I bring it to God for healing.

I begin to see how much Jesus loves me. God showing His love through the cross. I am beginning to see how much value we are to God, because He chose to send His son in our place. That no matter whoever can put us down, but our greatest value is our value to God.

Sometimes it's really hard to conceive God's love for me. Honestly I never received much of it in my life. Then comes a God who tells me He loves me, I really find it hard to comprehend. I never really experienced it before, so never understood it.

You ask me, I'm really only beginning to understand love. Slowly, bit by bit. Along the way, people whom I thought loved me disappointed me. They wanted something from me.

When I tear in the presence of God, I get happy on the inside: I know my heart is softening up in His presence. I know I'm beginning to accept all that He has for me.

But today, I stand in front of the YMCA staff as well as the president of YMCA, and speak about the vision of Uni-Y. I sit in front of my friends in my prayer meeting and lead them into the presence of God. I counsel and help some of my friends with their walk with God. I stand in front of an audience and speak with a stillness in my heart. No fear.

Because God is with me. =)

Truly, I say, I stand here by Your grace.

The Bible isn't a book of dos and don'ts. It's a story about a God who wants to love and be loved by His people.

Sometimes at nights I can sense this loneliness. The rejections of particular people. Thoughts of just giving up. I can get slightly depressed ( and tonight's one of them) for little reason.

I never knew why. But now I know. It's the scars of the past. The unresolved hurts of the past.

I sometimes think I'm just this screwed up person trying to do God's work. I'm just not good enough. I can't do it.

And I think about it.

Yeah it's true.

I stand here not by my own strength, but by His grace.

I can't do it. He can.

In all my scars, hurts, weaknesses, I find myself extra dependent on that time with God. I simply can't do without God. You want to take me out? Simple. Just cut away my prayer time. That'll be enough to make me depressed.

Yet, the more I think about it, ...

I remember:2 Cor 12:7-9
And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

The thorn in the flesh. My scars.

God's power. My heavy dependence on prayer.

Maybe God will remove it, maybe not. I don't know, but from what I know, I know I can trust Him. =)

Do I forgive my parents? Of course I do. I don't hate them. I know they're imperfect people as well. But the hurts are there. The scars are there.

I look to the future. I look at Uni-Y as it could be. I can only say: God I can't do it on my own. God, I give you Uni-Y, do to it as You will.

Easter

I think it's really one thing to tear in the presence of God, but to almost burst out crying is another thing. haha I had to control myself when I saw the scene in the drama every year.. Jesus getting whipped as he was brought to the place where he was crucified.

Thank God. I felt like all the things I had been feeling for the past week have cumilated in a service. On shame, unforgiveness, past hurts and where did Jesus come in, in all these things. I thought the drama was amazing in bringing that relevance of Jesus' crucifixion to our modern day hurts and pains.

I really felt ministered to. I thank God.

I remember how the story ended with the guy created iVision. Now instead of looking at the past with iMing, we see our potential with iVision, with visions and dreams. And in fact, that was what I just prayed a few days before!

"God, help me forget all that I have to forget, and give me a vision of the future, a picture of what is to come, that I would not let my mind dwell on past memories."

Wow. Haha. And then the drama came up with the iMing and iVision.

And btw, the drama team is really moving from glory to glory. I thought the plots are getting more excellent every year.

Always, today in Easter I'll remember all the emotional rejection, verbal, physical abuse that Jesus took on our behalf. That we may have an abundant life.

Sometimes we will never understand what Jesus has really done, until we really put ourselves in his position. His closest friends, his family, his followers, people whom he gave his heart to. Imagine that, people whom you might trust with almost your life,

ran away in your greatest moment of need. I can imagine how painful that really was.
I wonder how he took it man...

Amazing love. =)

Hebrews 12:1-2
Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Because of what what he took to forgive us, is there really anything too hard for us to forgive =)?

I have..

finished my Bible once through! Haha.

Man, I remember the last time my cell leader asked everyone in general who haven't finish their Bible, think at the beginning of this year. Haha I raised my hand, then she give me the 'face'. It's actually cos of Bible school that I had to re-read the New Testament again when I was almost at the Prophets...

Anyway I just finished Zechariah and Malachi last night. And I found a verse that speaks again underpaying and mistreating employees at sweatshops. We were discussing them in Ethics class. lol.

Malachi 3:5a
And I will come near you for judgment;
I will be a swift witness
Against sorcerers,
Against adulterers,
Against perjurers,
Against those who exploit wage earners and widows and orphans...

I love the message that Pastor Phil preached on Sunday, and especially the part about emerging in the power of the Spirit after a trial. I've been through some stuff recently, and last night I really felt like there was a new measure of anointing upon my life as I prayed..

Returning in the power of the Spirit.

Anyway I can't say much about it now, maybe years down the road, but I thank God for Him. Just being there. Thank God for the people who can listen and understand. I can't imagine life without either. =)

Psalms 23

Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He makes me walk in paths of righteousness,
for His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil.

For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil,
my cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
----


Psalms 91:1
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High;
shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

Battlestations!

My new ship!

Cost me an arm and a leg.

Another day begins.

No matter how I feel, God is still good. =)

The smell of heaven

Yesterday was a rainy day, and I don't know, there are times when the smell of the moist air invokes a sense of nostalgia. A sense of peace, a sense of heaven. Just that one moment gave me that extra boost of joy needed to finish the day.

Just reminds me the promised home in heaven. One day where we can finally rest. One day when the battle is over. =)



Just met up with my Bible school friends yesterday. Yet another taste of the heaven to come. I love the fellowship of these people. =)

We had a really interesting catch up session.

Willy told us about his trip to China to perform in the choir for the Olympics. There was no audtion and the choir team from the church is definitely perform for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Wow!

Sheryl shared with us about her challenges at work, and really, working in the church's affliated organizations is really good training. It's amazing for her how she managed all the kind of work she's handling now. =)

Daniel's getting married at the end of year.

Kelyvnna's an advisor to a major Indonesian group now. Promotion. After SOT. Haha.

and Jac! Haha. Jac had the most interesting story to share about her encounter with Jim Rogers. For those who are less financial savvy like me, Jim Rogers is like this super famous investor, on the level of George Soros that type ( Xinhong you should know hor. Haha)

She was in an event where Jim Rogers was there, and there were like 400 people at the dinner, alot of them trying to get their namecards into his hands kinda thing. But then somehow, Jim Rogers came to her table, and because Jacqueline was doing interpretation for the hearing impaired that was present.

So Jim Rogers starting talking to the hearing impaired person through Jac who was interpreting. So the girl shared her story about how she was impaired since 10 years old...

And then after that Jim Rogers turned to Jacqueline and asked her:" So young lady, how do you manage to speak and sign at the same time?"

And he took his own photo from his pocket and signed it and pass it to her! And took a photo with her! After that, Elim Chew's PA even approached Jac and ask her if she wanted to be Jim Roger's PA. Wow!

It reminds me of the story of David. When Samuel the prophet came to find the appointed king for Jerusalem. The Mom and Dad bascially brought out all the strong, fit, eligible brothers to Samuel to anoint, to choose. But David was somewhere far away, in the fields tending to the sheep.

But guess what, in the end Samuel rejected all the supposely eligible brothers, and found David, a songwriter, a shepherd and appointed him as king!

For Jac, she's like a servant quietly sitting in the corner doing signing for the hearing impaired, and guess what, she got the attention of the 'prophet'.

Proverbs 22:29
Have you seen a man who excels in his work, he will stand before kings...

Faithfulness. Sometimes all we have to do is to stay faithful in the little things and love our God.

While everyone was fighting for his attention, wanting to be special, but God chose to let the faithful person in the corner be noticed and open that door for her for promotion. Wow.

Faithfulness. Servanthood.

Is the key to promotion. To authority. To destiny.

Let's never fight on the same level as the world. Love God, love people. That's all we have to do to find success in every area of our life. =)

Security

Just came back from cell group. Praise the Lord, i think my guitar playing is getting better now. Pace is good, no screw ups today, okay la, maybe one, but no one noticed.. just played the wrong key during free worship, but I rectified immediately..

Anyway we're going to fight for the bid for the clubhouse. At least appeal and try another time. I strongly believe in my heart that we have a strong enough team to make it a superb clubhouse.

----

Recently, I've been pondering about the issue of security. Not about national security or about that terrorist running around Singapore, but about the security of a person. Does he feel secure in who he is? Or is he unsure.

I think there's really much to talk about in regards to security, because out of it flows alot of our behavior. Alot of things people do can be attributed to security, and also, the lack of it.

Let's start with the source of security, and I'll write till I feel like sleeping, and catch on another time I feel like writing about it. Haha..

God is our source of security. Because He is the one that has everything under His control. He has foresight, foreknowledge and He knows what will happen. He is the beginning and the end.

And in that knowledge, all we need to know is that this same God that created the universe loves us so much He sent his Son to die for us. And if He is for us, who can be against us?

This is the security that we find in God. When the Pharisees challenged Jesus, He answered and effectively said,"You don't tell me who I am, I know who I am, because my Father tells me." When the devil challenged Jesus, as to whether He was really the Son of God, he did not react by proving himself ( in the case, to turn stones into bread)

And in fact, that's what alot of people use to hide their insecurity. They try to prove a point. They try to use good grades to prove themselves. They use possessions to prove themselves. They want the world to know that,"Hey, I'm worth something, look at the things I have, look at the grades I got.".

And while there's nothing wrong with good grades and good possessions, many use it as a tool to prove themselves. That they're of value.

But how does a person who is truly secure react? The same way Jesus reacted. Don't prove yourself. If you truly know who you are, and what God made you to be, that's all you need to know. And there's nothing you need to show people.

To people it might matter if your GPA is 3.9 or 3.2, to them it is a reflection of your 'value'. But to God, it doesn't matter. No matter your grades, your value to Him remains the same. What matters to Him more is that you tried your best.

And the hard thing is about living it out. Not letting the opinions of man affect your motivations.

And the truth is that many driven people, are really driven by this insecurity. They're afraid that other than their grades or their possessions, they really have nothing to show the world. That's why they fight extremely hard for it. So when you see an especially hardworking person who really just doesn't have balance, it could really be due to insecurity in his life.

He feels he needs to prove something. That fear of one day standing before many people, and realizing you have nothing to show.

But thank God, it is in Him that we find our value, our security, our identity. Only your creator would know what you're made for. And we stay assured in that knowledge, that hey, we don't have to fight so hard in life to prove that we're something.

Instead, we first know who we are, then we go and do our best for what we've been made to do.

And insecurity does not just cause an individual to be extremely driven, but it brings something really ugly to the table: self-preservation.

---

Self preservation is rooted in fear. That fear that if you don't fight for yourself, no one else will. That ideology of the survival of the fittest. But things really do get ugly when people start playing self-preservation.

Your friends get so 'focused' on their work that they don't stop and help another who's slower, or help someone who's in need.

People get 'polished' to learn what it takes to ace an interview, learning the minors and forgetting the majors. Learning about the 'right' things to say in an interview and throwing aside the more important things like attitude and character.

Graduates fighting for the highest paying jobs, giving up the jobs that they love; because they somehow believe that taking a pay from the marketing or HR might not guarantee them the good life they want for themselves.

People raising up hands in the classroom purely to get their participation marks( for their As) and end up saying something irrelevant or totally out of point.

Friends checking their grades with one another and one secretly thinking that they're doing fine when they find out their peers didn't do as well.

All these things done in self-preservation are really rooted in fear. Fear that there will not be enough to live on, fear that people will look down on them.

But God wants to take that fear away from us. He wants to have faith in His provision. To know in our hearts, not just in our heads that hey, He's got everything covered. All we have to do is obey Him, trust Him. It's that simple.

Have faith in the perfect love of God. For the Bible says perfect love casts out fear. If we are assured fully of God's perfect love for us, there's nothing we need to be afraid of. When we know in our hearts that God is on our side, we can stand strong on the truth, to walk a different road from the crowd.

To be continued ( If I feel like it. Haha.)

I've been really busy with Uni-Y stuff for the past few weeks, with the clubhouse.

We didn't get through to the second round. =/
I think everyone felt slightly discouraged, especially when we brought so much expertise to the table.

Personally I feel that the judges were too concerned with a variety of menu and the management: details which I thought coud be settled through a few meetings.

But I felt they neglected the fact that we had expertise on food and F&B business, and people who are very concerned about customer service; and not so concerned about the bottom line.

But it's alright. It's nothing personal, it's just business. Heh.

I believe the business world is bigger than the SMU Clubhouse. It got lots of energy to be directed to other ventures as well, and especially so the Citibank-YMCA Youth for Causes, which will sponsor $10k for a sustainable social enterprise.

I'm listening to a sermon by Pastor Phil now... "BUT GOD!"

No matter what, we must never neglect the But-God factor in the things that we do.

The Pharisees wanted to kill off Jesus for one final time, BUT GOD...

Haman wanted to kill off the Israelites and Queen Esther, BUT GOD...

Daniel was thrown into the Lion's den by corrupt officials in the Babylonian Empire, BUT GOD...

Saul wanted to kill off David who was going to take his kingship, BUT GOD...

The world will stop us from having a presence in SMU, BUT GOD...

We may not be able to take the clubhouse, BUT GOD... will have better doors for us to enter!

No matter how the circumstances seem against us, against God's work, we must never forget the "BUT GOD" factor in our lives. When we come to our end, there God begins to move His hand. Where we stop, God starts.

In our weakness, God's power is made perfect! =)