Tranquility

Here was a post I drafted but never posted it out 1 month over ago. Too close to the heart.

-------





“Goodbye, I’m going to miss you.”

I said, as we reached the place where we had to seperate. She was flying off tomorrow.

I give her a pat on the shoulder.

“Really.”

She smiled.

As I turned to walk in the other direction, she raises her sweet yet firm voice above the sound of the afternoon.

“Be strong!”

I was pleasantly surprised; for it was an uncommon word from a gentle and quiet lady.

I turned.

I looked back at her one more time.

I smiled,

clenching my fist, I replied,

“I will!”

------

Two words more effect than a sermon.

They say two things that pierce the heart more than anything else does: Beauty and Affliction.

Beauty has pierced mine.

I would sit at my chair in my room, just sitting.

Just waiting.

Just longing.

For hours...

Suddenly, the TV doesn’t seem so interesting anymore.

Suddenly, the computer seems almost an hindrance...

Suddenly, I notice the beauty in my garden, the stillness of flowers under the moonlit night sky.

… the beauty of music, its power to capture emotion.

… the evening sky, lit by the setting sun.



I would wait.

Time would stand.

Beauty has stilled my heart.

They say, there comes a time in your walk with God, when it’s not about the battles anymore, when the Sacred Romance begins.

Suddenly, I notice.

Yes, You have awakened my heart to Beauty. Through her, You have.

They say, that only when a man begins to see, then he is ready.

---

“What is your address over there?”

“I’ll write.”

A smile. “Aww, that’s sweet.”

"I don’t know, I’ve only been there once in my life.”

Tomorrow’s battles don’t seem so hard. Yes, there is a certain quietness tonight. A stillness beyond time.

Tonight, time stands still.

-----

As I turned to walk in the other direction, she raises her sweet yet firm voice above the sound of the afternoon.

“Be strong!”

I was pleasantly surprised; for it was an uncommon word from a gentle and quiet lady.

I turned.

I looked back at her one more time.

I smiled,

clenching my fist, I replied,

“I will!”




I always will.

------------------

When I looked back, I thought I was ... too emotional.

But I just spoke to her over MSN tonight.

Tried to give her an overseas call but I think she wasn't at the phone.

Then suddenly.

That's feeling came back again.

That feeling of tranquility.

Of peace.

Like I touched the a tinge of that glory.

My heart stilled again. Stopped. In the midst of my crazy planning and following up on alot of events, my heart just stopped suddenly.

And noticed the sound of the crickets in the night.

The glistening of dew on the leaves.

It's something about her, or something I saw through her.

unexplainable...

But wow.

I suddenly remember the times where I would really just sit there and wait for God. For hours.

But now sadly, all of life's distractions is coming back to me. The TV especially, looking to be entertained.

But I remember the times where ...

I would just sit down and wait. and wait somemore.

I'm going to find it.

True beauty.

It's so unexplainable but so powerful, so heart-wrenching.

What is it about you that I am held captive by?

Homesick

Once again, reading a friend's blog. He was aching because he had to leave Europe soon from his exchange. Yeah, it was probably a time for holiday and travelling and sightseeing for him.

The ache of leaving a holiday and coming back to 'reality'. The harsh reality of life with it's struggles, strivings and rat-raching.

That same ache when we look at a picture of a glorious sunset, the same ache of watching the serene mountains surrounded by lush green trees.

You know what's the problem?

We're missing home.

We're homesick.

We were never meant to live in the world we're living in now. It's a mess. We're missing that place that Adam and Eve first found themselves.

Eden.

Paradise.

We're all looking for it aren't we? That holiday in that beach resort, or treking in the ranged mountains.

We're looking for Heaven. On earth.

A place without pain, shame, tears, hurts, anger. A place of brotherhood, community, love, true friendship, heart-to-heart connections, a place of rest.

That ache is not unreal. It is real.

And it's pointing us back to where we first began.

Pointing us to Home.

We can never explain the existence of Heaven with our heads. Not with reason or science or facts.

But we know it exists with our hearts. We cannot deny the ache in our hearts, can we?

------

Today I begin to notice the sounds again.
The chirping of the birds.
The silhouette of the branches against the evening sky.

Beautiful.

Thank God for beauty. =)

Freedom – Being you

“God, I’m tired.” There I go again.

“Of what?” was the immediate reply.

Oh.. now that’s something new.

“Of being someone else.” My heart blurted out.

Ah. My eyebrow is raised, and my attention is caught.

“Be real, Yihan. Be yourself.”

“I’ll try.”

“No, it’s not about trying. You don’t have to try to be yourself. Just live being true to your heart. Your feelings. Don’t listen to them when they tell you that it’s not about how you feel, but what you should do.”

“Eh…. I’ll ..tr… I will.”

I’ll be real.

Now, no wonder I like being alone so much. I’m just myself and I don’t have to try.
I can just walk at my own speed. Thinking about stuff as I wish. And tell my God who understands every single feeling and thought that goes through my head.

Sometimes trying to be someone else is really tiring. We try so hard because we think being ‘right’ with God means living up to the standards and expectations of our church leaders.

One prayer I keep making, “ God, be my judgement. And no one else.”

Sometimes we try to be someone else because we’re afraid of being judged. We take people’s opinions of us as truth, as sentences.

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re too slack. You should come church and cell group more.”

“You’re too aggressive.”

“You think too much.”

Or the big: “ You’re not good enough.”

And so what do we do? We live by people’s standards. We try to be someone else to be accepted.

And sadly, usually the people we want acceptance from the most are the people closest to us, and it makes it all the more tougher.

Jesus only seeked one approval. There were those who accepted Him, and there were those that didn’t. I think it must have hurt to have his brother reject Him.

But sometimes what happens when we live from our hearts. The people around us start beating us down. You’re too emotional. You’re too this or that. You’re too unspiritual. Pray more.

And on two occasions I took down 2 blog posts, because it was straight from the heart. And it left me vulnerable.

We live in a world with people denying their own hearts especially in churches rife with religion and beat others down when they live from their hearts.

Really, I really believe that the best gift you can give someone is to give permission for that person to live from his/her heart.

I remember a friend once telling me:
“ Yihan, I don’t want to go for service this two weeks because I feel that when I don’t go for service but spend the time with God instead, I feel more refreshed and closer to Him.”

“Well then, don’t go for these two weeks then. Just let your cell group leader know that you’re coming back two weeks later.”

Cell group leader comes after me with knife again. Haha.

We need permission. We need permission to be who we really are.

St Irrenaus said that the glory of God is the man fully alive.

When we live fully from the center of our hearts, that’s when the glory of God will show most powerfully in our lives. It’s a pity most of us live denying that part of us that will ultimately reveal His glory.

Sometimes I feel like asking friends out for supper, but I always back away because I feel like I have to be something else.

So to my friends around me: and I think I speak for everyone. My greatest wish is for you to allow me to be myself around you. Don’t judge me. That alone is a bigger gift than anything else.

And that’s why Jesus told us not to judge. It’s all this judging that forces a yoke, a burden on people’s necks to be someone else. Accept the nuances of your friends, the flaws, the imperfections, the bad habits.

God accepts you.

And it also comes to the point where you know, we have to find our identity in God. As I mentioned earlier, God should be our ultimate judge and no one else. God alone knows who we are and He has our real Name written on a white stone ( in Revelations) reserved for overcomers.

It is only your Father who can tell you who you are. The One who made you.

Anyway at the end of your life. You’re not answering to your friends. Their opinions won’t count for a thing. You’re going to answer to God.

So we have to come to place where we live free fully from men’s opinions, and seek only One approval. It’s tough. It’s a journey to the center of the heart. One that might take a lifetime. But at the end we find freedom. Freedom.

Friends, the act of judging does not mean we do not see the flaws or acknowledge them. It is to acknowledge them and accept that imperfection. I’ve several friends whom people would consider weird or what, but hey if you love them, get in their shoes and understand their perspective and their lives.

If only I had permission to punch those people who judge. Ah well.

No wonder Jesus was so pissed with the Pharisees.

Freedom - Part I

I was reading my friend's blog yesterday and it suddenly reminded me of something I was supposed to write but left it aside weeks ago. Freedom.

Freedom. Jesus says that it is for freedom that He came to set us free. Freedom from religion, freedom from sin.

She mentioned Pastor mentioned religious people saying things like:

“The TV is the devil’s box, don’t watch it.”

or “ If you bow towards your elders, it is like worshipping them so it is wrong."

Well, it really sounds absurd. But I want to say that sometimes these rules run more subtly in the church, and they do have them in every church, and this is because of man’s refusal to rely on God and God alone. Sometimes they need rules and regulations so that they know they’re ‘okay’.

More subtle ones would be like, “Thou shall attend service and cell group every week.”

or “Thou shall pray an hour a day and read 3 chapters of the Bible everyday.”

Well, really, it is unspoken and because it’s a spirit of religion. While the examples Pastor Kong mentioned might be blatantly dumb, but I think each of us should examine our hearts, because at the core of it is a spirit of religion.

Each of us has our own set of rules and regulations that decide if we’re ‘spiritual’ or ‘right’ with God. We have our own set of 20 commandments, or 200. It may not sound as blatantly stupid as what Pastor mentioned, but for each of us, often it comes unconsciously, into a heart that just refuses to lean purely on the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Let’s go back to the beginning.

In the beginning in the garden with Adam and Eve, God gave no rules, no nothing, and only one restriction not to eat of that tree. No Ten Commandments.

A few hundred years later, maybe thousands, we come to Abraham, who still didn’t have the Ten Commandments. Deemed righteous by God.

And then we observe Job, Noah who were deemed righteous by God, but hey, no Ten Commandments for them.

No Bible to read too.

But where does sin begin? It begins from a life that is resolved to be lived apart from God. The fact is, God placed a lot of desires in our heart, and it is our decision to choose to satisfy these desires apart from God that causes us to sin.

We desire beauty. God the creator of woman in her original glory, is far more beautiful than her. Yet when we seek beauty apart from God, we find pornography, prostitution and what not. But it is God that has the beauty that can truly captivate our hearts.

A famous writer (forgot name) said: “When a man knocks on the door of a brothel, he’s looking for God.”

We desire glory. God had given man and woman that glory in the original creation, but now that we’re separated from God, we choose to find our glory in riches, fame, power, when yet, God has the best and the original glory for us.

We desire fairness and justice. God is the judge for all, and it is when we choose to do justice for ourselves, we find murderers, unforgiveness, and hatred in our hearts. But God is the one who will do vengeance for the wronged.

We desire security. God gave it to Adam, but when Adam lost his glory, he was afraid, says the Bible. So since that time, us men and women have been trying to find security in all the wrong places, in having lots of money, in that girl/guy, in getting our As and what not. But it is God who can give us the ultimate security, because whatever else will fail with time.

But seriously, once you've seen the REAL thing in Jesus, you will never settle for what the world or the devil has to offer anymore.

So then, the Bible says to guard our hearts (and its desires), not to kill it.

I would see it as like .. let’s say, eating fast food. As I’m guilty of as I’m thinking about this.

We have a hunger for food. But hence here is the decision point, what would we use to ease that hunger? What would we use to fill that cup? So for most of us youths who don’t really give much of a care to our health, we fill it with fast food. We are fed, we fill full, but unbeknownst to us, our body is ‘polluted’ with crap.

And it works the same way for each and every desire of our hearts. We desire, let’s say.. security. Now we have options. More money so that we can have a secure future, the guy/girl that makes us feel safe, or God. It is like junk food, snacks or a wholesome homemade meal with fruits and vegetables?

Whatever we use to ease our hunger, to fill our cups, we would choose it more easily the next time. Whatever we choose to make us secure, we’ll in all probability stick to it.

Did you know that if a child grows up eating fruits, vegetables and all the right food in his/her diet, the child will have a distaste for sweets and chocolates and the nonsense food? Cool right.

It's the same with us. Once we tasted God, we don't want anything less. We reject the phoney.

I’m not saying it is not okay to find security in money, or a guy/girl. Each of it provides us with a certain level of it no doubt. I’m just addressing our ultimate source of security.

Which cup are you drinking from today to quench that desire? (Remember Jesus told the Samaritan woman to drink from a cup that she would never thirst?)

I remember one time I was praying in my room, and telling God, “God, I want to build this website and make $XXX dollars a month with it by the end of the year!”

“Why?” was the immediate impression I got.

I immediately thought out what was in my heart, “Because then I’ll be set for life (without You).” I was absolutely shocked at what came into my mind.

But I caught the idol of my heart. In my heart, I still wanted to rely on money to give me that security that only God could give. I smiled; gotcha! =)

It set me thinking about myself, do I really see money as a channel of blessing to others, or is it just to me so that I can live in the false security of it, thinking that once I have enough, all my life will be in a sense, settled.

A side note: It is good to talk out your feelings and your desires, often they give a big clue about the condition of your heart. Don't keep in all in, or trying to think what's not right and what's not wrong. You have to speak it out and go deep into your own heart.

Well, the point I’m trying to say is that, our desires are not wrong. That’s why Pst Mike say don’t go and drive a knife through your heart. Your desires are important and they matter to God.

Your heart is the treasure of the kingdom.

And so then, back to Jesus. What did He do for you? Bible says he came to set us free. It is for freedom he came to set us free.

How does reconciliation with God set us free? By having our desires connected back to Him again. When our desires are connected back to God, we become free from the bondage of anything of this world to seek what we are supposed to seek from God: Security, Beauty, Glory, Justice, what not.

We suddenly don’t need money anymore to give us security. No need pornography to find beauty.

It is when we are fully connected back to God once again, like in the original creation. That’s when the law gets written in our hearts. That’s when we can do away with these rules and regulations. Because by being connected back to God again, we automatically fulfill the law. Not that the law is abolished. No. It is fulfilled.

Would you covet if you knew (in your heart) that God of all universe is your provider?
Would you murder if you knew God would do justice for you?
Would you find an idol if you knew God would be your ultimate protector and provide you the security you need?

At Jesus’ death and resurrection, the veil in the temple was torn and the relationship between God and man could be restored, at its fullest potential, like in the original creation. The beginning without rules, without commandments, but a pure freedom to live freely with desire, free from addictions.

Yes, that’s the freedom Jesus is talking about.

The freedom to desire.

The freedom to live from your heart.

Our highest calling is not morality, it is freedom.

Friends.
In Jesus, you are truly free.

*Imagines yourself soaring with outstretched hands through the skies overlooking the lush green forests, passing through the great bodies of clouds in the sky.*

Yes. Freedom to live life to the fullest.

This, my friends, is called the Good News. =)

And in typical Braveheart fashion, I end my blog post with a,

*sword thrusted up in the air* "FREEEEEDDDOOOOOMMMMM!!!"

I can't take Tax Planning. Didn't get the bid.

And now I have to take AFA.

My life is over.