Freedom – Being you

“God, I’m tired.” There I go again.

“Of what?” was the immediate reply.

Oh.. now that’s something new.

“Of being someone else.” My heart blurted out.

Ah. My eyebrow is raised, and my attention is caught.

“Be real, Yihan. Be yourself.”

“I’ll try.”

“No, it’s not about trying. You don’t have to try to be yourself. Just live being true to your heart. Your feelings. Don’t listen to them when they tell you that it’s not about how you feel, but what you should do.”

“Eh…. I’ll ..tr… I will.”

I’ll be real.

Now, no wonder I like being alone so much. I’m just myself and I don’t have to try.
I can just walk at my own speed. Thinking about stuff as I wish. And tell my God who understands every single feeling and thought that goes through my head.

Sometimes trying to be someone else is really tiring. We try so hard because we think being ‘right’ with God means living up to the standards and expectations of our church leaders.

One prayer I keep making, “ God, be my judgement. And no one else.”

Sometimes we try to be someone else because we’re afraid of being judged. We take people’s opinions of us as truth, as sentences.

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re too slack. You should come church and cell group more.”

“You’re too aggressive.”

“You think too much.”

Or the big: “ You’re not good enough.”

And so what do we do? We live by people’s standards. We try to be someone else to be accepted.

And sadly, usually the people we want acceptance from the most are the people closest to us, and it makes it all the more tougher.

Jesus only seeked one approval. There were those who accepted Him, and there were those that didn’t. I think it must have hurt to have his brother reject Him.

But sometimes what happens when we live from our hearts. The people around us start beating us down. You’re too emotional. You’re too this or that. You’re too unspiritual. Pray more.

And on two occasions I took down 2 blog posts, because it was straight from the heart. And it left me vulnerable.

We live in a world with people denying their own hearts especially in churches rife with religion and beat others down when they live from their hearts.

Really, I really believe that the best gift you can give someone is to give permission for that person to live from his/her heart.

I remember a friend once telling me:
“ Yihan, I don’t want to go for service this two weeks because I feel that when I don’t go for service but spend the time with God instead, I feel more refreshed and closer to Him.”

“Well then, don’t go for these two weeks then. Just let your cell group leader know that you’re coming back two weeks later.”

Cell group leader comes after me with knife again. Haha.

We need permission. We need permission to be who we really are.

St Irrenaus said that the glory of God is the man fully alive.

When we live fully from the center of our hearts, that’s when the glory of God will show most powerfully in our lives. It’s a pity most of us live denying that part of us that will ultimately reveal His glory.

Sometimes I feel like asking friends out for supper, but I always back away because I feel like I have to be something else.

So to my friends around me: and I think I speak for everyone. My greatest wish is for you to allow me to be myself around you. Don’t judge me. That alone is a bigger gift than anything else.

And that’s why Jesus told us not to judge. It’s all this judging that forces a yoke, a burden on people’s necks to be someone else. Accept the nuances of your friends, the flaws, the imperfections, the bad habits.

God accepts you.

And it also comes to the point where you know, we have to find our identity in God. As I mentioned earlier, God should be our ultimate judge and no one else. God alone knows who we are and He has our real Name written on a white stone ( in Revelations) reserved for overcomers.

It is only your Father who can tell you who you are. The One who made you.

Anyway at the end of your life. You’re not answering to your friends. Their opinions won’t count for a thing. You’re going to answer to God.

So we have to come to place where we live free fully from men’s opinions, and seek only One approval. It’s tough. It’s a journey to the center of the heart. One that might take a lifetime. But at the end we find freedom. Freedom.

Friends, the act of judging does not mean we do not see the flaws or acknowledge them. It is to acknowledge them and accept that imperfection. I’ve several friends whom people would consider weird or what, but hey if you love them, get in their shoes and understand their perspective and their lives.

If only I had permission to punch those people who judge. Ah well.

No wonder Jesus was so pissed with the Pharisees.