Beauty

I'm terribly afraid of beauty;

What it does to my heart.

You know I was thinking as I was heading to my BSM class today, why do people expect so much from their life partners.

Anyway to bring it in context; a church with huge no. of singles and with no seeming intention to get attached.

I remember speaking to a leader about the kind of guy she's looking for, about a year ago. The kind of criteria she gave was .. well.. almost unattainable. She pointed to a pastor that was like 30 plus years old, married with kids.

I was thinking: wow, if you want a husband like that, you might as well wait another 10 years or so; you might just find one.

The thing is, while they like to 'peg their standards' to someone that's a role model in church, they can't expect guys their age to act, behave and be as strong spiritually as their pastors. Totally unreasonable ya, but well, that's the kind of pressure guys can face when wanting to date a church leader.

The kind of unspoken," Why can't you be more like this and this leader. Or this and this pastor?" pressure that's on a guy; any guy.

If you ask me, or any guy for that matter, are we looking for someone to pressure us how we should be better? That's our idea of the 'other half?' Is that our 'dream' beauty that our hearts are looking for?

Anyway, I digress.

Beauty.

Scarey thing God placed on earth yeah.

Sometimes I just wished my heart was dead to such things.

Simone Weil once said," There are only two things that pierce the human heart - beauty and affliction."

And God uses them both to get to our hearts.

Sometimes, to shut ourselves out, we kill our hearts, we kill that thing in our hearts that recognizes beauty when it sees it. Some of us call it holiness. But God made our hearts to recognize, be captured by beauty. It's not holiness to simply shut our hearts down.

But how tempting it is to do so. To be come a superb efficiency and productivity machine that doesn't stop going and going. Society views such people in high regard. Just forget your heart, go for productivity. Conform!

Speaking of which, this is how I feel now with all the work coming in. I'm not one to conform. I make alot of noise when I'm forced to do something I don't want to do it. No it's not called discipline.

While I believe that my discipline level can be worked on, but it's not discipline to force yourself to like and do something you totally have no feel, calling,

Discipline is what helps you achieve your dreams but cutting out unnecessary and useless activities; Discipline is NOT cutting out what you love to do and forcing yourself to like something you hate or feel nothing for.

When you love playing the piano and want to become a noted musician in the world; it's discipline to make yourself practice 5 times a week.

It's not discipline to tell yourself that you should just spend your time getting your As and getting acquianted with accounting.

Perhaps it was my mistake to have chosen accounting in the first place. But with all due respect to accountants and people who love accounting(like Xinhong), I totally hate it. Ha..

I find reading numbers to be a bore. Takes me about 3 minutes to lose my focus.

What a pity it is that most people believe that becoming 'marketeable' is the highest aim of any body.

"Where you going?"

"Finance/Banks."

"Why, cos of money ah."

"Ehhh.. no, because I like numbers."
"No, because I like challenging myself."

I find that hard to believe. Ha. With due respect to those who really love the subject of finance, ultimately its really about getting a good pay-> $$ -> security.

And for the Christian:

Good pay -> $$ -> security in life -> Be 'set' for life -> Less need to lean on God

How about:

Heart -> Passion -> Uncertain $$ -> No natural security -> Uncertain future -> Need to lean on God

Sometimes we think that we're 'trusting' God. And most people live a life thinking that they've been trusting God ( God, Banks or Big 4? lead me as to which one you want me to go)

What do you want?

I want to go bank.

Nono, what do you really want?

I er...

You know sometimes we limit God don't we. And because we think in God's eyes there are only two kinds of jobs: Banks or What not that we neglect our heart's desires.

What if you really loved to write? to dance? to sing? to connect with people? preach?

How about becoming a dancer? a writer? a singer? a counsellor? a pastor? missionary?

No lah. So low pay. Not marketeable. Don't think God will ask me to do something like that. Don't know if will succeed or not( don't know if I can feed myself)

Culture has made us believe that good jobs are those in the financial institutions, but have you ever remembered that God created such a diversity of talents and abilities that no one industry can accomodate all?

Esp in SMU la. Bank bank bank. Finance finance finance. I'm getting sick of listening to it man.

Continue thinking like that, sure. Cover your own backside. You will never walk into God's destiny for your life. You'll never find your promised land if you continue to decide that you want to arrange life for yourself.

Allow God to arrange life for you.

At its root its called practical agnosticsm. With our mouths we proclaim God the Lord of our lives, with our actions we proclaim that we are the Lord over our lives.

Oh man, digressed again.

Anyway back to the subject topic.

Sometimes I still wish God can shut that heart down. I'm absolutely petrified by beauty. PETRIFIED.

Check this blog post by John Eldredge. He's the best man. Ha.

Simone Weil was absolutely right—beauty and affliction are the only two things that can pierce our hearts. Because this is so true, we must have a measure of beauty in our lives proportionate to our affliction. No, more. Much more. Is this not God’s prescription for us? Just take a look around. The sights and sounds, the aromas and sensations—the world is overflowing with beauty. God seems to be rather enamored with it. Gloriously wasteful. Apparently, he feels that there ought to be plenty of it in our lives.

I am at a loss to say what I want to say regarding beauty. Somehow, that is as it ought to be. Our experience of beauty transcends our ability to speak about it, for its magic lies beyond the power of words.

I want to speak of beauty’s healing power, of how it comforts and soothes, yet also how it stirs us, how it moves and inspires. All that sounds ridiculous. You know your own experiences of beauty. Let me call upon them then. Think of your favorite music, or tapestry, or landscape. “We have had a couple of inspiring sunsets this week.” A dear friend sent this in an e-mail: “It was as if the seams of our atmosphere split for a bit of heaven to plunge into the sea. I stood and applauded . . . simultaneously I wanted to kneel and weep.” Yes—that’s it. All I want to do is validate those irreplaceable moments, lift any obstacle you may have to filling your life with greater and greater amounts of beauty.

We need not fear indulging here. The experience of beauty is unique to all the other pleasures in this: there is no possessive quality to it. Just because you love the landscape doesn’t mean you have to acquire the real estate. Simply to behold the flower is enough; there is nothing in me that wants to consume it. Beauty is the closest thing we have to fullness without possessing on this side of eternity. It heralds the Great Restoration. Perhaps that is why it is so healing—beauty is pure gift. It helps us in our letting go.

Source:http://www.xanga.com/solderchecker/662322194/item.html

Leadership Movies

The previous post is a long overdue post which I left in my draft because I didn't have the time to finish it.

Anyway I'm currently busy with schoolwork( tell me something new!) and, okay here's the more interesting thing I guess: building my website. Maybe in time when it looks more decent I'll place the link here.

I'm doing a section in the website called Leadership Movies. I'm actually looking for good leadership movies that I can place for recommendation on my website. So if you know any movies that teach a good leadership lesson; do let me know in the comment box?!?! Haha.

In the next two weeks I have 7 projects/quizzes/reports due, so I mean, it's like a broken record when you are talking to SMU students now. It's the same story for everyone and like, sometimes I wonder if it even goes to the brain of the person I'm telling.

Haha.

"Been busy?"

"Yeah. So tired."

"Why?"

" I have (insert blanks) due in the next week."

As I'm saying that, I sometimes just cut myself off. I find making that statement to be drawing no compassion from people; not because they don't care, but because its the same old story every term, and the same story for 1000 other people.

Maybe one day I'll reply differently.

" Life's good. God is with me. I screwed up my quizzes and report but I don't care."

Ha. Take that, SMU. =P

Anyway, I really DO have alot to do now, so till next time I'm less 'drowned',

Here comes Eve, beware!

As I was walking with my friend yesterday to lunch, there were like some guys just taking a second look at her.. the first thought that came to my mine," Here comes Eve, beware."

But recently, I've been really thinking about the kinda risk God actually took in creating Eve.

I remember reading this in Wild at Heart and I thought it was such a revelation! God created the world from simple to complex. From the sky and earth, to the sun, stars. Then in increasing complexity, the mountains, then the flowers, then the animals, and finally man.

So man is supposed to be like the most complex being amongst all of God's creation. He had something that all the other created things did not have: a soul.

But wait. There was one more created thing after man; a far more complex being, far greater in beauty: women.

Ah, now you know why women are so complex. Haha. They're supposed to be the most complex!

But why was it a risk?

Eve was closer to in God-likeness than anything else in creation. This meant that man apart from God, would very most likely worship the next thing closest to Him: woman.

And I tell you, many guys, myself in my earlier days included, have placed woman in a position in our hearts that only God is supposed to occupy. Many guys have put the woman in worship.

I mean, look at the kind of music these days. Pst Kong said that the pop music of today reflects the culture of today. I mean, the daughters of Eve are almost worshiped, if not already worshiped.

These are two things closest to God in the natural world, which is what makes them objects of worship for alot of people who don't know God: Women and Money.

Ah. That sounds totally familiar doesn't it. Haha.

So anyway, to my female readers; it's really a compliment when it is said, you are closer to God in likeness, in complexity, in beauty.

You are in a position where guys might put you on that dreaded pedestle of worship. Watch out for the signs. =))

Compromise.

On Saturday I did something that I never done before in my life: I blasted my Exco for their ill-discipline.

I just felt that I had allowed the standards to drop to such a level that it was just simply unacceptable.

Writing that email to reprimand the Exco was not something I wanted to do, nor something I felt equipped to. I just knew that when I sent that email, I'll become a very unpopular figure in my team.

The guy that speaks the bad news into the happy family.

I just hope that they will take it with a good attitude.

Sometimes as a leader to our peers, we must get a breakthrough in this area. The move from being a people pleaser to a God pleaser. I knew that the reason I didn't want to send that mail because after that, the line becomes clear.

You will either hate me or you would listen and stand with me.

I guess that's how we just have to be as a leader. Be the bearer of bad news. Be the disciplinarian.

It's easy when you are clearly superior in position and age and seniority, but it isn't easy when the people you're scolding are your friends. It's these times that you wish they weren't.

I don't feel I did the wrong thing by giving 'it' to them. I just can't compromise on these standards any longer.

The ministry is more important than my 'face' or me being a nice happy guy.

And speaking of which, today I'm expelled from Mr Christian Nice Guy school. lol.

Budgeting

Today Pastor Kong talked about budgeting our finances.

I think it was something that really spoke to me because I realized I haven't been budgetting my finances for a long time ever since my computer crashed.

Budgeting is basically planned spending. And as a leader, we need to know how to plan our lives before we plan others' lives.

Self-leadership is one of the toughest things to do, but seriously, if you don't have self-leadership in your life, how can you have leadership in your organization or your team.

Budgeting does not mean that you cut down on every area of your spending, but it means you plan for it, and then keep within that budget.

I am motivated to start creating a budgeting template for myself, for my daily income and expenditure as well as a monthly summary, which I did the last time.

I think it's a great way to keep ourselves from debt and from overspending. Good stewardship with our money is important because it shows the level of self-leadership in our lives.

We want to plan for an organization's budget well. First we got to do our personal budget well.

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On a side note, life's been pretty low recently for me. I'm going through quite alot in my heart now.

Alot of past wounds are resurfacing again.

Alot of hurts.

Sometimes I'm tempted to bury all that, and become a hard-driven, independent person who is an 'overachiever'. I could. I'm very tempted to. So that I will never need anyone again.

I'm faced with a decision everyday. I could choose to hide all the wounds and become an angry, hard person. Or I can bare my wounds in front of God, and let all that pain come in, and allow myself to grieve for the wounds.

It's going to hurt. But I guess it's the only way to the life God promised me.

When we kill our hearts along our journey in life in order to become 'stronger', in eseence we kill off our relationship with God, because in our hearts we're really resolving to say that," God, I don't need You in my life anymore. I can do life myself."

Sometimes when we choose we live from our hearts, allow our hearts to surface that we get hurt by people; by our team, by people we love. When we open our hearts like that, we open up ourselves to a risk. The risk of getting hurt and disappointed.

But then how, do we choose to kill our hearts because it hurts us, maybe for some of us, most of the time? Or do we choose to continue living from our hearts, because it is only with our hearts that we can do life well, with our whole body, soul and spirit.

Without our hearts, we cannot pray.

When we choose to kill our own desires, we cannot pray anymore. We don't need God when we don't have desire in our hearts. We don't need anything out of our control. We seek to control our environment by our own efforts. Whatever we cannot control, we kill or shut down.

Why then, we could get by much easier.

No more hurts, no more tears.

But we miss the point then.

The point of life is to experience its pain, hurt, love, joy in its fullness. To experience every emotion fully. The abundant life that Jesus promised in John 10:10.

Sigh.

I know very well what my heart is thinking and what decisions my heart is trying to make, but it doesn't make it any easier.