Beauty

I'm terribly afraid of beauty;

What it does to my heart.

You know I was thinking as I was heading to my BSM class today, why do people expect so much from their life partners.

Anyway to bring it in context; a church with huge no. of singles and with no seeming intention to get attached.

I remember speaking to a leader about the kind of guy she's looking for, about a year ago. The kind of criteria she gave was .. well.. almost unattainable. She pointed to a pastor that was like 30 plus years old, married with kids.

I was thinking: wow, if you want a husband like that, you might as well wait another 10 years or so; you might just find one.

The thing is, while they like to 'peg their standards' to someone that's a role model in church, they can't expect guys their age to act, behave and be as strong spiritually as their pastors. Totally unreasonable ya, but well, that's the kind of pressure guys can face when wanting to date a church leader.

The kind of unspoken," Why can't you be more like this and this leader. Or this and this pastor?" pressure that's on a guy; any guy.

If you ask me, or any guy for that matter, are we looking for someone to pressure us how we should be better? That's our idea of the 'other half?' Is that our 'dream' beauty that our hearts are looking for?

Anyway, I digress.

Beauty.

Scarey thing God placed on earth yeah.

Sometimes I just wished my heart was dead to such things.

Simone Weil once said," There are only two things that pierce the human heart - beauty and affliction."

And God uses them both to get to our hearts.

Sometimes, to shut ourselves out, we kill our hearts, we kill that thing in our hearts that recognizes beauty when it sees it. Some of us call it holiness. But God made our hearts to recognize, be captured by beauty. It's not holiness to simply shut our hearts down.

But how tempting it is to do so. To be come a superb efficiency and productivity machine that doesn't stop going and going. Society views such people in high regard. Just forget your heart, go for productivity. Conform!

Speaking of which, this is how I feel now with all the work coming in. I'm not one to conform. I make alot of noise when I'm forced to do something I don't want to do it. No it's not called discipline.

While I believe that my discipline level can be worked on, but it's not discipline to force yourself to like and do something you totally have no feel, calling,

Discipline is what helps you achieve your dreams but cutting out unnecessary and useless activities; Discipline is NOT cutting out what you love to do and forcing yourself to like something you hate or feel nothing for.

When you love playing the piano and want to become a noted musician in the world; it's discipline to make yourself practice 5 times a week.

It's not discipline to tell yourself that you should just spend your time getting your As and getting acquianted with accounting.

Perhaps it was my mistake to have chosen accounting in the first place. But with all due respect to accountants and people who love accounting(like Xinhong), I totally hate it. Ha..

I find reading numbers to be a bore. Takes me about 3 minutes to lose my focus.

What a pity it is that most people believe that becoming 'marketeable' is the highest aim of any body.

"Where you going?"

"Finance/Banks."

"Why, cos of money ah."

"Ehhh.. no, because I like numbers."
"No, because I like challenging myself."

I find that hard to believe. Ha. With due respect to those who really love the subject of finance, ultimately its really about getting a good pay-> $$ -> security.

And for the Christian:

Good pay -> $$ -> security in life -> Be 'set' for life -> Less need to lean on God

How about:

Heart -> Passion -> Uncertain $$ -> No natural security -> Uncertain future -> Need to lean on God

Sometimes we think that we're 'trusting' God. And most people live a life thinking that they've been trusting God ( God, Banks or Big 4? lead me as to which one you want me to go)

What do you want?

I want to go bank.

Nono, what do you really want?

I er...

You know sometimes we limit God don't we. And because we think in God's eyes there are only two kinds of jobs: Banks or What not that we neglect our heart's desires.

What if you really loved to write? to dance? to sing? to connect with people? preach?

How about becoming a dancer? a writer? a singer? a counsellor? a pastor? missionary?

No lah. So low pay. Not marketeable. Don't think God will ask me to do something like that. Don't know if will succeed or not( don't know if I can feed myself)

Culture has made us believe that good jobs are those in the financial institutions, but have you ever remembered that God created such a diversity of talents and abilities that no one industry can accomodate all?

Esp in SMU la. Bank bank bank. Finance finance finance. I'm getting sick of listening to it man.

Continue thinking like that, sure. Cover your own backside. You will never walk into God's destiny for your life. You'll never find your promised land if you continue to decide that you want to arrange life for yourself.

Allow God to arrange life for you.

At its root its called practical agnosticsm. With our mouths we proclaim God the Lord of our lives, with our actions we proclaim that we are the Lord over our lives.

Oh man, digressed again.

Anyway back to the subject topic.

Sometimes I still wish God can shut that heart down. I'm absolutely petrified by beauty. PETRIFIED.

Check this blog post by John Eldredge. He's the best man. Ha.

Simone Weil was absolutely right—beauty and affliction are the only two things that can pierce our hearts. Because this is so true, we must have a measure of beauty in our lives proportionate to our affliction. No, more. Much more. Is this not God’s prescription for us? Just take a look around. The sights and sounds, the aromas and sensations—the world is overflowing with beauty. God seems to be rather enamored with it. Gloriously wasteful. Apparently, he feels that there ought to be plenty of it in our lives.

I am at a loss to say what I want to say regarding beauty. Somehow, that is as it ought to be. Our experience of beauty transcends our ability to speak about it, for its magic lies beyond the power of words.

I want to speak of beauty’s healing power, of how it comforts and soothes, yet also how it stirs us, how it moves and inspires. All that sounds ridiculous. You know your own experiences of beauty. Let me call upon them then. Think of your favorite music, or tapestry, or landscape. “We have had a couple of inspiring sunsets this week.” A dear friend sent this in an e-mail: “It was as if the seams of our atmosphere split for a bit of heaven to plunge into the sea. I stood and applauded . . . simultaneously I wanted to kneel and weep.” Yes—that’s it. All I want to do is validate those irreplaceable moments, lift any obstacle you may have to filling your life with greater and greater amounts of beauty.

We need not fear indulging here. The experience of beauty is unique to all the other pleasures in this: there is no possessive quality to it. Just because you love the landscape doesn’t mean you have to acquire the real estate. Simply to behold the flower is enough; there is nothing in me that wants to consume it. Beauty is the closest thing we have to fullness without possessing on this side of eternity. It heralds the Great Restoration. Perhaps that is why it is so healing—beauty is pure gift. It helps us in our letting go.

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