Of scars and past hurts.

I just spent the majority of my evening talking to a friend in my Uni-Y Exco. We started off talking about our families, talked about God, about life, about school. She's a rather talkative person so we really could go for like 3 hours.

She's a non-believer but I really felt God used her to speak to me alot about family. She kept encouraging me to talk to my parents cos I was sharing what happened since young that caused us to have a communication breakdown. She's a really happy-go-lucky kinda girl that will tell me the most interesting things. Haha.

It was talking to her about my family that I really saw God's grace over my life.
Maybe before I talk about God's grace, lemme share abit about the bad things that happened in the past ( I remembered it when I was sharing with my friend). Somethings that hurt me so badly that till today I remembered it.

1. In primary 5-6, my parents asked me to write a list of things good about myself and bad about myself. I wrote 4 each. They scolded me for writing so many good things about myself and so little bad things. I was very angry then, so me and my brother; we wrote a whole long list of bad things about ourselves. I remember I wrote with tears flowing down my cheeks, things like:
I'm stupider than a pig. I'm the worse something something. I'm worse than shit.
Plus many more.

It's like I forgot it soon after, but I didn't realize the damage it did to me when I actually 'confessed' those things on paper.

Well my parents read it, and just told me off somemore than its not what they're looking for. But they want me to specify areas I can work on ( okay I can't remember the exact details, but it's something like that)

2. Primary 6 PSLE. I got 236. Got scolded all the way from school to home. At home, my dad asked me kneel at the study and repent and why I got so lousy results.

3. Primary 6 Xmas. I asked my parents for a Xmas present. They say cannot, because my PSLE results too lousy.

4. Sec 2. I walk home with my report book. Got 2nd in class. My mom shouts from the Tv, "count yourself lucky!" ( She told me to get 1st in class, what she means with the count yourself lucky was that it's not what she wanted, but was not bad enough to warrant a scolding).

It's only when I realized what kind of damage that has been done to my self-esteem that I can proclaim that I really stand by God's grace. What all these had done to me was to make me a self-conscious, unconfident, intimidated individual who never dared speak. Who always saw myself as a 'B' class guy. The guy that everyone just overlooked.

I couldn't joke alot. Couldn't laugh at myself alot. Because I was just simply insecure. People tot im just a very serious person. I'm not. Just emotionally shutdown.

Sounds like a scene from I not Stupid. Haha. But it's my life story.

( I learnt the following from Wild at Heart) Because I never really knew whether I was valued, I looked for the answers from girls I liked. I would just 'like' a certain girl ( now I know its not like), then she sorta becomes my source of validation, comfort and so on. It was really unhealthy, but I guess it's a natural result of someone never getting that knowing from young that "You are valued."

Screwed up life.

Till God came into the picture. Everyday more and more, I'm beginning to be able accept His love. Because of my past, it took me alot of come to the revelation of God's love, and His blessing. That He really loves me and wants to give me alot of blessings. It was easy to accept suffering for Jesus, but not easy to accept His love.

But I'm beginning to see it now. Slowly and slowly. As all these things from the past start coming up again, and I bring it to God for healing.

I begin to see how much Jesus loves me. God showing His love through the cross. I am beginning to see how much value we are to God, because He chose to send His son in our place. That no matter whoever can put us down, but our greatest value is our value to God.

Sometimes it's really hard to conceive God's love for me. Honestly I never received much of it in my life. Then comes a God who tells me He loves me, I really find it hard to comprehend. I never really experienced it before, so never understood it.

You ask me, I'm really only beginning to understand love. Slowly, bit by bit. Along the way, people whom I thought loved me disappointed me. They wanted something from me.

When I tear in the presence of God, I get happy on the inside: I know my heart is softening up in His presence. I know I'm beginning to accept all that He has for me.

But today, I stand in front of the YMCA staff as well as the president of YMCA, and speak about the vision of Uni-Y. I sit in front of my friends in my prayer meeting and lead them into the presence of God. I counsel and help some of my friends with their walk with God. I stand in front of an audience and speak with a stillness in my heart. No fear.

Because God is with me. =)

Truly, I say, I stand here by Your grace.

The Bible isn't a book of dos and don'ts. It's a story about a God who wants to love and be loved by His people.

Sometimes at nights I can sense this loneliness. The rejections of particular people. Thoughts of just giving up. I can get slightly depressed ( and tonight's one of them) for little reason.

I never knew why. But now I know. It's the scars of the past. The unresolved hurts of the past.

I sometimes think I'm just this screwed up person trying to do God's work. I'm just not good enough. I can't do it.

And I think about it.

Yeah it's true.

I stand here not by my own strength, but by His grace.

I can't do it. He can.

In all my scars, hurts, weaknesses, I find myself extra dependent on that time with God. I simply can't do without God. You want to take me out? Simple. Just cut away my prayer time. That'll be enough to make me depressed.

Yet, the more I think about it, ...

I remember:2 Cor 12:7-9
And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

The thorn in the flesh. My scars.

God's power. My heavy dependence on prayer.

Maybe God will remove it, maybe not. I don't know, but from what I know, I know I can trust Him. =)

Do I forgive my parents? Of course I do. I don't hate them. I know they're imperfect people as well. But the hurts are there. The scars are there.

I look to the future. I look at Uni-Y as it could be. I can only say: God I can't do it on my own. God, I give you Uni-Y, do to it as You will.