Sad

In the day of trouble,
You cover me;

In the secret place of refuge
Lord I will sing.

I feel sad.

At least she has a fellowship to confide in; a fellowship to fall back on.

I don’t.

I didn’t want to say it, but then what? I watch one by one of them walking away.

Have I done wrong?

Sometimes I wonder if I can stand alone.

There’s sometimes no one to turn to.

Yet fellowship is so important if I want to hold this thing together.

I can’t just share my burdens to the people I lead. I’m there to offer my strength, not take it.

Go to God.

Yeah, I always do.

But God made us for fellowship with men as well.

Fellowships of the heart.

I want a fellowship of men. Not boys. Men. I thought to myself as I watched the last Samurai charge in The Last Samurai.

Men who are of good courage; men who fight to the death.

“Show me how he died..”

“No, I will show you how he lived.”

My heart was stirred, almost to tears.

God, I want someone like that in my life.

Someone to show me how to live, O’ Lord.

Without a fellowship, do I then step back from my ministry in school? I can’t sustain myself. I cannot stand alone.

No, then the devil will win. That’s what he wants me to do: turn back and retreat.

I can’t turn my back. But I want to go away for a while.

I think of Sorong in Papua New Guinea, the place where Mel is going. I dream of myself at the edge of a cliff, overlooking a lush green expanse of trees. And in the distance, I see great mountains, where clouds cover the peak.

“Are there tigers or bears in the forest there?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t been there, only once when I was young.”

“If I go into the forest there and get killed then how. Maybe I’ll just leave my valuables with you at your hotel.” But then tigers and bears don’t kill for money. Oh well.

*A smile and a giggle*

“One day I’ll go and find you, and then I’ll go trekking in the forest, and maybe to the mountains far away. Is it expensive to get there?”

“Yeah, the domestic flight is about $400.”

“Okay, then you let me stay at your hotel for free so that I don’t have to pay for accommodation k? Haha.”

“Oh, it’s still under renovation now..”

…

I need to find my heart back.

I don’t think I’ll be able to find it by sitting in front of the computer churning out reports and slides 830am to 530 pm daily.

Is this the kind of life I want?

One week. Fine. Two weeks. Eh.

But 1 year?

One year of TGIF and Monday Blues?

There must be something more.

…

Teach me how to live, O’ Lord
In Your righteousness.

Oh, to Charis, thanks for always being there to listen to me. I think above everyone else, you've heard from me the most.

But I don’t want to always ‘take’ from you in this friendship. I can’t always do that to you and you only.

Not fair la. I want to give too. =)